


Decisions

by Harrhenius



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: F/F, Post-Game(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26714209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harrhenius/pseuds/Harrhenius
Summary: It all started with Marlene’s decision to task two smugglers with smuggling Ellie out of Boston, a decision which would backfire against Marlene eventually because of Joel’s decision to save Ellie’s life. That decision wasn’t without consequences, either and eventually Ellie found herself sitting in salt water, facing the outcome of her own previous decisions. But life wasn’t over for Ellie, yet and the next decisions were already awaiting her, starting with the decision if she should continue sitting in the salt water - or leave it and head to somewhere else.___This story takes place after the ending of The Last of Us Part II, so beware of major spoilers in case you aren’t finished with the game, yet.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After finishing “The Last of Us Part II” I immediately had an idea of how Ellie’s story could continue and eventually I decided to write down my idea, starting with the ending, then writing the beginning and the way between start and final turned out to be quite longer than I originally had expected. 
> 
> English isn’t my first language and I saw writing this story as a somewhat entertaining way of refreshing my grammar knowledge and especially learning new vocabulary. I apologise in advance for misspelling and grammar errors and of course I’m open for suggestions and corrections, especially regarding recurring errors. 
> 
> As mentioned above the story is already finished except for some minor editings. I separated the story into ten chapters and intend to upload a new chapter twice a week, so it shouldn’t take too much time until my (written) idea about Ellie’s next part of her life after the game's ending is fully released.
> 
> While I used some cultural references and added a few secondary characters, obviously the whole story is completely fictional and any resemblance to actual events, organisations, or persons is entirely coincidental.

Ellie felt numb. Before she had felt anger, hatred, an insatiable desire for vengeance. Before she had felt pain from her various injuries, before she had felt heartache and sadness and disgust of herself because of all the horrible things she had to do on her way to avenge Joel.

It had been Ellies only remaining goal - killing Abby and getting justice for Joel and Jesse who both had been killed by Abby. Ellie even had made plans for doing the final act, how to give Abby a taste of her own medicine and beat the crap out of her instead of giving her just a quick death.

But the final fight turned out to be very much different from what Ellie had imagined before. Not only Abby had been little more than a shadow of her past self, that Ellie almost didn’t recognize her hanging at that pole. Ironically Ellie had to save Abby so she could fight her - and had to force Abby to fight her by threatening a barely consciousness kid. The fight itself had been messy and more of the question of who was less weak than who was stronger, but eventually Ellie had managed to gain the upper hand - and didn’t finish it.

It had felt right in that moment, the decision to let Abby go instead of killing her. Seeing Joel in a flashback, not dead but the man who became the closest thing to a father Ellie ever had in her life had reminded her of past, almost forgotten times. Times, when she was trying to live a normal life in a post apocalyptic world, when she read comics and had fun with her friends instead of brooding over ways of killing Abby in the most violent way. Joel had lied to Ellie about what happened in the hospital of the Fireflies in Salt Lake City and possibly doomed mankind by saving Ellie instead of letting her die for finding a cure against the Cordyceps fungus - and it had been something that changed their relationship drastically. 

But Ellie always had the problem of being mad at Joel because of his actions. Of course she had felt betrayed and been angry that Joel hadn’t accepted her wish to do everything necessary for finding a cure, even if it would mean that she had to sacrifice herself. But Joel had saved Ellie and eventually had to pay his decision with his life after a bunch of - understandably - angry Ex-Fireflies took revenge on him, ultimately executed through Abby who seemed to have a personal score to settle with Joel because of reasons Ellie didn’t know and cared anymore for. 

More than once Joel had made it clear to Ellie how important she had become for him, how she had given him something to fight for and she had even seen it for herself, how Joel had changed from a cold and very bitter man to a warmer and kinder person. More than once Ellie had wondered how she could be mad at someone who always would have her back, supported her and was willing to do everything for her - it wasn’t easy to be mad at one of the very few people who would genuinely mourn her death. 

It was something Ellie always had dreamed of and it wasn’t like that their relationship was only one-way. For Ellie Joel had become one of the most important humans in her life, too and was one of the reasons why Ellie finally started enjoying her life even though they were living in a post apocalyptic world in which every day could be the last one.

Except for a few rules, which were supposed to minimize potentially deadly risks, Joel had given Ellie a freedom she never experienced in her mostly unpleasant life in Boston. Joel didn’t mind her reading as many comics as she wanted, he even helped her with getting new ones and always had an eye open for figurines, stickers, tags and other cool and funny stuff, too. Of course it had been Joel who teached her swimming in a pond near the settlement, playing the guitar and even encouraged her to perform at the recurring open-mic-evenings - and luckily had been as patient with Ellie’s first singing experiments as with her guitar lessons. Joel’s birthday presents always had been the best - even after Ellie had discovered the truth about what happened in the hospital in Salt Lake City. 

On her first birthday after she had found out the truth Ellie originally hadn’t wanted to accept anything from Joel but ignore him - and when she had got from him not only a stack of comic books, a Wonder Woman costume Ellie never dared to wear but liked to own nonetheless and a music book with guitar covers for rock songs Ellie liked to hear, but on top of all that a perfectly working Playstation with some cool action and adventure games and even a new television, too, Ellie just couldn’t fulfill her goal to not accept any presents from Joel. Ellie absolutely had known that Joel was trying to bribe her in a very obvious attempt of getting back into her good graces - and eventually he got partially successful because at some point Ellie had thanked him for the gifts and made some very awkward conversation with him before rushing back into her hut to continue her adventure with Lara Croft on the small but very dangerous island Yamatai. 

Together with Tommy Joel had helped Ellie with covering her bite mark with a chemical burn and thanks to the painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs he had found somewhere the whole procedure didn’t turn out to be as painful as Ellie had feared before. Joel always had answered patiently even the stupidest of her never ending questions about how the world had been before the Outbreak - at least as long as Ellie didn’t pester him too much about his personal painful past - and if for some reason she wasn’t in a good mood and didn’t want to be bothered from the world, with Joel she could enjoy a peaceful and not at all awkward silence and contrary to Maria he never once tried to force her to talk about her feelings but just let her be. 

Joel had been such an awesome father that his lies hurt even more - and just when Ellie finally was ready to move on and reconcile with him, Joel died and before she knew it Ellie had found herself in a never ending vortex of hatred and violence and in her nightmares she not only saw Joel's bloody death but the face of the enemies she had tortured and killed, too. 

Maybe forcing a fight against a shadow of her archenemy who obviously lost everything, too, by threatening an unconscious kid had been the reason for Ellie to look at herself and question what she had become. More than anything Joel had desired a nice and peaceful life for him and Ellie as much as it was possible in this post-apocalyptic world. It was something Ellie had wished and enjoyed very much, too - and the reason for her anger and hatred at Abby had not only been because she killed him but destroyed this life for Ellie and Joel, too - and that she had taken them the chance to reconcile. But seeing Joel looking at her with his fond fatherly smile had suddenly reminded Ellie of her former self and how much she had changed during her hunt for Abby. 

Even though Joel could be cold and merciless and both he and his brother Tommy often hinted their dark and bloody past after the Outbreak, both of them still seemed to have a moral compass and knew, what was right and wrong and while Joel generally was pretty forgiving with Ellies attics he surely knew to scold her when she did something wrong - and if she decided to ignore his objections he exactly knew how to make her feel guilty about it. 

Ellie knew that Joel wouldn’t stop anything to avenge her if someone would have done something terrible to her and she was sure that he would understand her desire for revenge. But Joel wouldn’t want Ellie to lose her humanity by doing so - and in that moment, when she’d been almost done with her ultimate goal of killing Abby, Ellie suddenly had got the feeling that fulfilling her quest would make it impossible for her to be that girl again she once was. Suddenly Ellie had the feeling as if she was about to lose herself in her anger and hatred, like a once good person that was about to become a Sith and Ellie almost had the feeling as if someone would stand behind her back and whisper in her ear to give herself up to her bloodlust.

Ellie knew that Joel would’ve been disappointed in her, if she had lost herself and suddenly she had remembered how he helped her to get over the whole disaster with David and all the other horrible things she had to experience during their trip across the country. 

For a moment it had been crystalclear for Ellie that if she didn’t want to lose herself she had to let Abby go - literally and metaphorically. Ellie had come to the realisation that if she would have followed her anger and hatred, she’d been lost to the dark side - but by resisting that urge she still could hope for a way of finding back into the light, to herself, to someone she could look at in the mirror. So she let Abby escape with that kid, that otherwise Ellie most likely would have killed too so it wouldn’t come after her in an attempt to avenge Abby. 

But instead of closure Ellie now felt numb, hollow and empty, like a shell, barely functioning but without any life in it. Abby wasn’t the only one who lost everything after she’d killed Joel and made the mistake of letting Tommy and Ellie alive. Because of her never ending bloody hunt Ellie lost everything, too and now it had happened, what she always had feared the most - she ended up being alone. Jesse was dead because of her, Dina broke up with her - and had every right to do so - and Tommy would surely not be happy if he heard about Ellies change of mood. After her trip to Seattle her relationship with Maria had already been strained and otherwise Ellie didn’t know many more people in Jackson who were close to her and still alive. 

Ellie didn’t know how long she had been sitting in the water when sudden distant screams and gunshots pulled her out of her thoughts. After some hectic searching very much to her relief Ellie found her switchblade in the shallow water not too far away where she had lost the blade during the fight before. Not wasting any time Ellie caught her backpack with her many weapons and fled - the last thing Ellie wanted was getting involved with another armed conflict she had no business with and didn’t care for. 

Travelling back to Jackson, Wyoming had been more of a spontaneous than well thought out choice and was mostly because Ellie simply didn’t know where she should go otherwise. Jackson was a place she called a home and the people she still cared about were living there even though after the recent events the relationship with those few people got very strained. Traveling into one of the big Military Quarantine Zones was no longer an option for Ellie because the special scanners to identify infected people would still identify her as infected and Ellie didn’t know any other trustworthy settlements as Jackson, where newcomers only had to get into some kind of a special quarantine for a couple of days before they could join the community. 

On the one hand Ellie yearned for seeing Maria, even Tommy, especially Dina and JJ and other folks again, but on the other hand especially the first meeting with them would most likely not be the most pleasant occurrence to experience, so Ellie found herself not being in a hurry during her trip back to Jackson. 

The trip itself was surprisingly unspectacular and except for a few fights with Infected and a group of bandits which both didn’t turn out to be much of a challenge, Ellie didn’t run into much problems. Ellie even got lucky because in a house, only guarded by a Clicker, she found a kit with useful items to treat her wounds - and even some antibiotics from which she found even more in the luggage of those bandits, whose not only tried to rob her but obviously had some really pervert intentions with her, too. 

While Ellie managed to treat her severe stomach wound and some other minor injuries relatively well given the circumstances, the two missing fingers on her left hand kept hurting, regardless of how much Ellie tried to treat the stomps. Ellie had heard of the phantom pain of missing limbs before and could fully understand it now - and not only it was the pain that came with the missing fingers and the two more or less useless stumps she still had on her hand, it was the realisation what she no longer could do properly that hurted Ellie, too. 

It didn’t surprise Ellie to find the house empty except for her stuff, the farm to which she and Dina moved to live a quiet and peaceful life outside of the often loud and hectic Jackson. Having Joel's guitar in her hands, again and no longer being able to play it properly hurted as much as Ellie had imagined before and very quickly she made the decision to try playing the guitar the other way, so playing the chords with her right hand instead of her left. 

Without the always stomping Dina and JJ, who was a constant fountain of happiness and enjoyment, the house felt even more silent, empty and hollow - just as Ellie felt inside. Once again Ellie wondered how quickly her life had turned upside down and before she knew it Ellie found herself leaving the farm in an attempt to escape this additional reminder of her failures. 

Not too far away from the farm Ellie’s feet stopped moving by themselves - and once again she found herself thinking about what she should do next and her future generally. On the one hand Ellie still yearned to see the few remaining people she still cared for again, missed being inside the safe city walls of Jackson and living a relatively normal life, as normal as it could be these days. On the other hand Ellie knew that a lot of most likely unpleasant conversations were awaiting her if she returned to Jackson - and she had managed to disappoint basically everyone she could have disappointed. Ellie had ruined things with Dina by putting Abby over their family, Ellie had most likely disappointed Maria by letting down Jackson and considering how unhappy Tommy had acted after Ellie initially rejected him she was sure that he wouldn’t take the news about what happened in Santa Barbara very well, either. 

The quick fight against two Runners Ellie found in a house she had considered as a place to stay for the night, later, reminded Ellie of another big part in her life, that turned out to be a pretty big failure and disappointment - her immunity. In the beginning Ellie had been full with so much hope, that she could be the final key or at least a big part in finding a cure against the Cordyceps Fungus and later the responsibility for providing her part after she had lost not only Riley, but Tess, Sam and because of his guilty feelings Henry, too. After their failure in Salt Lake City Ellie started to find herself guilty for every settler of Jackson who died after an infection with Cordyceps because she was immune to the fungus and couldn’t help others with it - and when her growing doubts turned out to be true and Ellie finally had found out the truth Ellie started feeling herself even more guilty than before. 

When Ellie suddenly had the thought that she should have joined Abby and that kid in their attempt to find remaining Fireflies and with them maybe another doctor or scientist who was able to use Ellie’s immunity for creating a cure, Ellie had to restrain herself to not fall into a hysterical laughter - and couldn’t contain it any longer when she thought about what Tommy probably would think of that outcome. 

Eventually Ellie found a place to stay for the night in a small and shabby but unoccupied house not too far away from Jackson in one of the many empty villages that only got visited by patrols and Infected anymore. Even though it was relatively silent except for some sporadic sounds of various nocturnal animals and she was pretty tired already, Ellie didn’t manage to find very much sleep. Not only was her mind way too restless to let her drift into sleep but she felt kind of afraid of sleeping, too - Ellie couldn’t even remember anymore the last time she didn’t have nightmares but slept peacefully as a normal and sane person would do. 

“So... did you know the truth about what happened in Salt Lake City, too?” “Yeah...” “Why didn’t you tell me?” “It wasn’t my secret to share...” “Oh c’mon, cut that bullshit!” 

Angrily Ellie looks at Tommy who walks next to her and keeps looking everywhere except into her direction. “You are one of the very few people who know about my... immunity and you exactly know how important this is for me!” “I know...” “So why did you cover Joel?” “Actually I always thought that you weren’t believing him...” “Why?” “You always seemed... skeptical... doubtful... and it was so obvious how Joel tried to avoid any typical signs for lying when he talked with you about that... topic, that at least for me it was pretty obvious that he was lying.” “Well, for me he always seemed... kind of uptight, too, but I thought it was his disappointment about the failure of our mission or something like that - I mean he should’ve an interest in finding a cure, too, shouldn’t he?” 

Tommy stops and lets out a weary sigh before he looks at Ellie. “All I can say is that Joel loves you - and there’s nothing that’s gonna stop him saving the people he loves and cares for. Joel and I had our... disagreements but in the end we’re brothers - family - and always had our backs - and you’ve become part of that small circle of people who are important to Joel, too.” “Finding a cure against Cordyceps is more important than... saving my life! I would’ve gladly given my life if it was necessary for finding a cure!” “Don’t say something like that, Ellie...” “I’m not his daughter - Joel was supposed to bring me to the Fireflies and not... what he did instead!” “I reckon you can’t travel across the country without getting attached to each other...” “Joel should’ve known that I was ready to die if it was necessary for creating a cure...” “Ellie, listen...”

Again Tommy sighs wearily while looking around. “I can’t say what kind of relationship you both have and it’s none of my business - that’s something the two of you’ve to figure out. All I can say is that you’ve become part of my family, too, Ellie and I’m glad that you didn’t die in that hospital.” “So what about all of those people who are dying from Cordyceps because there’s still no cure...” “Don’t be naive, kiddo - it’s not like that the Fireflies would’ve given the cure to everyone, if they even would’ve been successful. As you know we’re livin’ in a shitty world and...” 

Suddenly Tommy pauses and after a moment he slowly nods. “Okay, we’re almost there. There’s not much to talk about that topic anymore, anyway, so listen. As I said before Joel did what he did because he cares for you - and if I’d find myself in his place and have to decide about your fate by now I’d have a hard time, too.” 

Ellie starts to say something but Tommy quickly raises his hand. “Stop - I don’t want to discuss that any further and if you’re pissed at me, fine - I can live with that as long as you keep acting reasonable. I led you here because there’s a big house nearby that used to be a hotel - and still has guests.” “How many?” “Maybe around half a dozen, Eugene was more busy with escaping through the emergency exit than counting them. I’d like to clear out the building with you, Ellie - and you’re gonna demonstrate to me your skills, how you’re handling such a situation - basically that you’re capable of dealing with Infected. See it as some kind of a test - if you pass, I’m gonna give you the okay for paired patrols.” “‘Kay.” “I’ve one of the few machineguns, we managed to get in the course of time, with me in case we get in some big trouble - but I know you’re capable and you already dealt with worse so I’d be surprised if you won’t do this successfully. Remember, always be careful and better safe than sorry...” “Yeah I know, just... let’s get this done.”

Ellie wouldn’t have expected it before but quickly she realises that she actually likes sneaking through the dilapidated building that had been a hotel before the Outbreak and hunting a few Runners, Stalkers and Clickers. Sneaking carefully through the building, always watching the step and looking out for dangers while planning ways to take out the next Infected very effectively distracts Ellie from her anger and disappointment - and maybe she uses a little bit more force than necessary for killing those infected creatures to load off her anger at least partially. 

“I think you caught all of them - good work, but I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you.” Tommy says after he stopped in front of a big double door that is not only barricaded but marked with a big red ‘X’, too. “I didn’t even have to help you once with killing them, I only had to help you with pushing that one heavy soda machine out of the way and I think, if you’d been alone you would’ve found another way into the staircase - maybe using the balconies, usually there are a lot of options available. But we ain’t done here, yet. As you can guess Eugene wasn’t alone patrolling here - Sean was with him and when they were fighting off those bastards you just killed, he got bitten.” “Damn...” “They barricaded themselves here, talked for one last time and Sean even wrote a couple farewell letters for his family and his closests friends - Eugene gave it to them shortly after he returned to Jackson. Originally Sean wanted to kill himself before turning and he only kept his gun with one bullet, as it is the usual procedure, when something like that happens - obviously Eugene took the rest of Seans equipment with him. Originally the plan was that after clearing this building you help me carry Sean's body back to Jackson. I reckon you probably noticed, too, that there’s a... slight change of plans, now?”

It is basically impossible to overhear the loud bangig against the barricaded door and typical screeches a Runner does and suddenly feeling a sense of foreboding Ellie looks incredulously at Tommy. “You’re expecting me to kill him?” “See it as some kind of a last test - if you’re out on paired patrols there’s always the risk that one of you two... actually in your particular case there’s always the risk that your partner gets infected and that you’ve to be the one to pull the trigger. You need to be able to do that, regardless if your partner is begging you to kill him because he can’t do it by himself or if he tried, but eventually couldn’t do it and turned.” “Damn... weren’t Jesse and Sean like best friends or something?” “They were good friends, I think - gotta be honest, I’m not that informed anymore about the relationships you kids have with each other. Do you feel able to do this? If not, it’s fine - I’m gonna rate you as ready for paired patrols nonetheless, only with the remark that you have to be accompanied by someone... who’s already proven himself, like Jesse for example.” “I can do it - that Runner might look like Sean but there’s nothing of him left inside that... creature.” “Good - I’m glad that you’re seeing it pragmatically - way too many people worry too much about if there’s still some life left in them or something like that.”

Tommy positions himself next to the swing door and with an even grimmer look on his face than before he looks at Ellie. “I’m gonna open that door and you’re gonna shoot him. Straight in the head, just like you did with that Clicker in the basement when it was storming at you.” “‘Kay.” “We're still gonna carry the body back to Jackson after you shot him, do the usual procedures with infected bodies so nobody gets infected by mourning and gonna cremate him... but we’re gonna discuss that later. Are you ready?” “Yeah...” “Good - on three I’m gonna open the door! One... Two... Three!”

With one fluent movement Tommy removes the barricades and opens the right of the swing doors and just as expected the Runner, that once had been Sean, jumps with an ugly screech at Ellie.

With a groan Ellie jumped awake before sinking back on her improvised bed for the night she had made with a couple relatively clean blankets she found in the house - the beds not only looked used in a gross way but seemed to be pretty rotten by now, too. 

Ellie already had killed hundreds of Infected and even non infected people by then, but it had been the first time for her that with Sean she had to kill someone who she had known before. Luckily the Runner who once had been Sean had died on impact when Ellie’s bullet hitted him in the head, but it had been a strange feeling, nonetheless - and very much to her relief since then Ellie hadn’t had to kill someone who turned and she knew before, again. 

Ellie didn’t know how many hours she had slept or what time it was - her little pocketwatch she had got as a present from Maria hadn’t survived the salt water in Santa Barbara - but guessed that she probably managed to sleep at least a couple of hours since it was already at the crack of dawn. 

The remains of a rabbit Ellie had hunted the day before served her as breakfast and when she left the house after finishing her meal, she still felt at odds with herself about what she should do next. On the one hand Ellie yearned for seeing her friends and the people she started to count as family while at the same time she was absolutely not looking forward to the first conversations with them after all she had done. At the same time Ellie felt the desire to do something usable with her life, again - and in her special case it meant that she had to try helping someone finding a cure against Cordyceps. But not only Ellie didn’t know where such someone could be, even though she was pretty experienced and skilled with dealing with the various threats in this world, travelling alone was even more dangerous and difficult than with at least one partner - and the last thing Ellie wanted was dying a meaningless death by some random bandit whose only interest was robbing her backpack and taking her weapons. 

Eventually the fear of dying a meaningless lonesome death in the middle of nowhere turned out to be the decisive reason to return back to Jackson even though most likely it would be quite the opposite of a pleasant experience and remind Ellie of a lot of memories she was trying to suppress.

When Ellie finally got in sight of the guards of Jackson she couldn't see their rifles pointing at her, yet, but could feel it - and when she arrived in front of the gates she was able see the guards finally, pointing at her with their guns. “Is that you, Ellie?” One of them shouted and slowly Ellie nodded. “Yeah, I...”

Ellie hadn’t spoken to someone for such a long time that she had to clear her throat before she was able to produce more than just some silent croaking. “Yeah, I’m back...” “Damn - where’ve ya been? We already thought ya death - I’m glad you ain’t!” 

A few moments later Ellie entered Jackson after someone had opened the main gates just far enough that Ellie was able to slip through. “I already contacted Maria and she’s on her way here.” One of the guards said after he had climbed down off his watchpost and walked over to Ellie. “Gotta be honest, we almost didn’t recognize you - but then someone noticed your tattoo and someone else recognized your face...” “Who?” “Eh...” “It was me.” A very familiar voice said and when Ellie turned around, very much to her surprise she saw Cat standing behind her. “You’ve got some nerves, appearing here out of nowhere and barging in as if you wouldn’t have been gone for more than half a year! Where the hell have you been? Why did you even return after just running away into the wilderness?” 

Cat, who not only seemed thinner compared to the last time Ellie had seen her but also had a new scar on her forehead, looked incredulously at Ellie who decided to just shrug before looking back to the young guard who seemed vaguely familiar to her while trying to recall his name. “So you already called Maria?” “Yeah, she’s on her way here, eh...” “Good.” “Typical - just answer a question with silence!” Cat said and the guard - whose name probably was Bill or Will - cleared his throat. “Ladies, no reason to fight!” “You call a justified interrogation a fight? Man up and try acting at least a bit suspicious as you should do, being one of the guards, Steve!” “Eh...” “What’s going on here?” A harsh voice said behind them and when Ellie turned around she saw Maria walking towards them, a surprised look on her face. “Ellie - it’s really you!” “We were just trying to interrogate Ellie about her whereabouts but she didn’t even try to answer our legitimate questions!” Cat said and with a stern look on her face Maria glared at her. “Don’t let your personal grudges cloud your judgment, Cat - you can do better than that.” For a moment Cat looked as if she wanted to protest but eventually she slowly nodded. “Yes, Ma’am.” “You both can go back to your posts now - and good work of you for identifying Ellie so quickly and not accidentally shooting at her or doing something else you’d regret afterwards.” 

When Maria turned back to Ellie there was still surprise on her face but now a very angry look, too and immediately Ellie knew that the real fun hadn’t even begun, yet. “You’re coming with me now, Ellie - we’ve a lot to discuss.” “Yeah...” “Are you all right? Do you have any injuries that need to be taken care of?” “No, I’m... fine.” “Good - let’s go to my place where we can talk privately without the whole town listening to our conversation - as I said before we have a lot to discuss!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually more of a “Chapter 1b”, but I thought that the chapter would become too long if I upload both parts in one instead of splitting them.

“What in the lord's name were you thinking?” “I... I just had to finish it...” “So you thought it was worth not only risking your life but letting down Jackson and especially your family with Dina and JJ, too?” “No...” “Don’t try acting guilty in front of me - at least you should show the decency to take the responsibility for all the harm and disappointment you’ve done by just leaving to this suicide mission, only driven by your desire for payback against this Abby for killing Joel!” “She killed Jesse, too and made Tommy a cripple, but... yeah...” “I’m actually very disappointed in you, Ellie - I thought that you were seriously trying to move on, that you made your peace and were actually trying to live a new life with Dina and JJ out there on that farm.” “Yeah...” “So how do you feel now, after killing Abby? Are you happy? Did you find peace in killing Joel’s killer? Was it worth all the harm?” “Actually I didn’t kill her...” “I beg your pardon?” “I had her, I could’ve killed her, but... I didn’t and I let her go instead.”

For a moment Maria seemed taken aback before she looked very irritated at Ellie. “Why would you do that?” “I don’t know, it’s hard to explain...” “At least you could try!” “I... thought I was about to lose myself and that I had to find a way out of that vortex of hatred and violence. It seemed like the only right thing to do at that moment, but... I don’t know, it’s not like I’m understanding it either.” “I see...” “I guess you and Dina have been right after all, I just didn’t realise it sooner...” “If for some reason you’d meet that Abby, again - what would you do?” “I don’t know... most likely I’d try to kill her, again - it’s not like I'm forgiving her...” 

Ellie sighed wearily before she shrugged and crossed her arms. “At least I’m not constantly thinking about taking revenge against Abby anymore and I wouldn’t go out on a hunt after her, again.” “So what are your plans now? What do you want to do now?” “I don’t know... trying to rebuild my life here. Well, if you ask me like that, obviously I want to do something with my immunity, help with finding a cure - but I don’t even know how to start with this.” “That's understandable, Ellie, but that’s not something I can help you with - and I’d like it if you keep your immunity a secret because I’m sure that there's gonna be a lot of trouble if you make your secret public. People would be afraid of you, fearing that you could infect them but feeling jealous at the same time, too. Most likely you’d have to stay in some kind of quarantine all the time because of safety concerns - and I’m sure that with the talkative traders word would go around quickly and eventually people you rather not want to have any kind of business with would learn about your immunity.” “Yeah I know, that’s what you, Tommy and especially Joel already told me every time I brought up that topic...” 

Marias stern facial features softened a little and after looking thoughtfully at Ellie for a moment she slowly nodded. “Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do. Ellie, you burned a lot of bridges here when you left so abruptly to your personal vendetta against Abby and I can’t tell you if you’re going to be successful with rebuilding them or not. But I hope that you’re gonna be at least partially successful because you used to be such a happy, quirky and energetic girl - I’d like to see that person again instead of this sad, almost broken woman caught in a vortex full of anger and hatred. Nonetheless I’m angry and especially disappointed with you, that you stormed off to this tour, seeking vengeance without thinking about who you’d hurt with by doing so, but left Jackson in the lurch, too. You know how valuable you are to this settlement and the only reason why I let you, Dina and JJ live out there on that farm all by yourself without additional security measurements is because I knew that Dina and especially you are more than capable of defending yourself against the various threats in this world. The wool and milk you two provided were important resources for Jackson and if you’d stayed in the settlement instead of moving to that farm, most likely I would’ve asked you to go out on patrols, again. If you feel capable of doing so I’d like you doing patrols sooner than later, again since we could really use you out there. Thanks to your immunity I’m actually less worried about sending you on more dangerous missions because... well, I don’t have to explain it to you that while the Infected are still dangerous creatures, a lot of danger is taken from them if they can’t infect you.” “Yeah...” “In a very short amount of time we lost with Joel, Jesse and Tommy three of our best fighters, followed by you after your sudden disappearance. Dina still doesn’t feel ready to go out on patrols, again and is working with the electricians, instead. Cat is still recovering from an... accident she almost didn’t survive and before that whole disaster with Abby we lost Eugene...” “Yeah, I know there’s a shortage of experienced staff and you can send me out on patrols as soon as you want - I’m not injured and I’d rather be out there fighting instead of staying in Jackson and brooding over all the bad things I’ve done...”

Now with a concerned look on her face Maria raised an eyebrow. “I’m glad to hear that you feel ready to go out on patrols and forays, again but I’m not sending you out on missions if I get the impression that you’re still struggling to cope with what you sadly already had to experience in your still young life.” “I’m fine - and no, talking to Linda is not an option! I’ve talked with her after Joel's death and talking with a shrink had been as ridiculous and useless as I’d expected it before!” 

Maria now showed a weak smile while she leaned forward and squeezed Ellie’s arm softly. “I heard about that fiasco and don’t worry, I’m not gonna force you to visit Linda, again. Nonetheless you should try to open up to the people who just want to help you - talking is going to help you more than just suppressing it.” “Don’t worry, if I feel the need to do so, I’m gonna talk with you. How’s Dina, by the way? You mentioned she’s working with the electricians, now?” “Yes and as you can imagine Dina was not only sad but very disappointed by you. Unfortunately I don't have the time to speak with her as often as I’d like it but... at least to me she seems fine. As always things have been pretty hectic here and now I’ve to do everything all by myself because... let’s just say that Tommy and I are still taking some distance.” “I’m sorry if...” “Don’t worry, you’re not the decisive reason why Tommy and I are still separated. Maybe you’re one of the reasons why we fought because I was very angry at him after I heard from Dina about his... behaviour when he’d visited you, but at least for our seperation you don’t have to blame yourself.”

Maria raised an eyebrow, again. “Talking about Tommy - I’m sure that he’s not gonna be happy if he hears about your decision to let Abby escape!” “Yeah...” “Maybe you can talk some sense into him because just as I’d like to see that happy, quirky and energetic person you used to be, again I’d like to see my husband coming back to his senses.” “I... will talk to him. Most likely he already heard that I’m back because in Jackson word goes around quickly...” “I wouldn’t be so sure about that - these days he’s barely leaving his place anymore. Actually he’s living in the hut you used to live in, now.” “Say again?” “Yes, you heard that right - first Tommy moved into Joel’s house and later into the hut that was still unused until then because apparently it is more quiet there than in the bungalow he was living in, before.” “Well, Joel’s house and my hut in the backyard are pretty outside of Jackson, almost at the city wall and I always liked the quietness there, too. Unlike in the middle of Jackson it’s less hectic there and you’ve got more privacy, too. Not so many curious people who are always looking into your windows...” “That’s actually something that annoys me, too. Some people don’t have the decency to respect the privacy of other settlers anymore and if I catch someone sniffing around, just out of curiosity for new juicy gossip, I’m always having a serious conversation with him or her.” 

Ellie now noticed that Maria not only looked older, but very much more tired than last time she had seen her. “These are strange times, we currently have. We are living a relatively normal, peaceful life here, as much as it is possible in this post-apocalyptic world. Nonetheless the people of Jackson don’t seem to appreciate that anymore, they are getting restless - and with growing population we get more and more conflicts, too. Originally when I became leader of Jackson after my father retired, the city council used to be seven people, but with a growing population we had to add more members to the council and now we are eleven. It’s getting more and more difficult to find compromises, not to mention the ridiculous expansion plans more and more people have.” “Expansion plans?” Ellie asked and Maria sighed before she shrugged and returned Ellie’s questioning look with a weak smile. “Nothing I can’t handle - you should worry about your own problems, Ellie! Why don’t you give Tommy a visit - there’s no reason in delaying the inevitable talk with him about your decision regarding Abby - and don’t even think about lying to him, I’m expecting you to tell him the full truth!” “Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning on lying to him... just say that I know how... bad it feels being lied to. I... I know he’s gonna be disappointed and has every reason and...” “Apparently you had your reasons - and I’m actually glad that finally you seem to be serious with your effort to break out of that dark vortex you’ve been stuck in since Joel’s death. Why don’t you tell me more about what happened during your trip and your... meeting with Abby while I reheat some leftovers from yesterday for you? You’re way too skinny and from personal experience I know that getting enough food out there in the wilderness can become quite a challenge.” 

When Ellie knocked on the door of the hut she used to live in and that was now in use by Tommy, she felt her heart pounding - and started to regret having eaten so much of the delicious stew Maria had warmed up for her. 

But apparently Tommy wasn’t at home and after a moment of hesitation Ellie decided to walk over to the only place Tommy apparently visited regularly - at least according to a then very sad and tired looking Maria. 

When Ellie arrived at the cemetery it didn’t take her long to find Tommy who apparently had been doing some work on Joel's grave and looked at her in surprise. “Ellie - is that you?” “Yeah...” “You almost gave me a heart attack when you suddenly appeared there out of nowhere!” “Sorry...” “You don’t have to be - I’m glad you’re back! C’mere, whatcha think about how I’m taking care of the grave? Gotta be honest - I’m really not that creative or talented, but at least there’s someone who’s looking after it, better than nobody at all...”

Joel's grave looked similar to the last time when she had visited it, and was even tidier and more well-tended then she had expected it. There were some flowers, a few nice looking stones, even a little bush that made the grave look a little more greener. Compared to some of the other graves Joels was relatively unpretentious - but that was intentionally since literally everyone who had known him agreed that Joel wouldn’t want something special or dramatic on his grave. In fact Joel himself had said a few times that people shouldn’t worry about his body and absolutely shouldn’t risk their life in an attempt to recover it, so Ellie and Tommy, who both did most of the work of planting and decorating Joel's grave, had tried to make the grave looking nice and well-cared but not overloaded, cheesy or something other that wouldn’t fit Joel's personality. 

Before she could resist the urge Ellie felt her sniffing and quickly she wiped a few tears from her eyes. Visiting Joel's grave remembered her not only of his death but of the many things she no longer could do with him and her biggest regret was not spending more time with him, that she didn’t try to reconcile with him sooner. 

“Yeah, it looks beautiful. I mean - it’s not beautiful because it’s a grave and it’s not like a grave is something beautiful, but... it looks good.” “Thank you and I get what you’re saying. Damn - never thought how much I’d miss that old bastard.” Tommy said silently and Ellie nodded in agreement while she tried to wipe another tear from her eyes without getting noticed by Tommy. 

Just by looking at Joel’s grave Ellie had the feeling as if someone would wrench her heart with an ice-cold hand, again. Ellie realised that while she was trying to become a better person and no longer being that almost mindless bloodthirsty monster she had been in Seattle, she still wasn’t over Joels death, yet. More and more Ellie got the feeling that if she would ever see Abby again, ideally in a normal physical state and not like that weak wreckage she had been when Ellie had fought against her, she most likely would try to kill Abby, again. 

In that moment in Santa Barbara it had been crystalclear to Ellie that she had to find a way of breaking out of that never ending vortex of anger, hatred and violence - and letting Abby go and not following the bloodthirsty and vengeful desire had seemed like the right choice. Even from a rational point it made sense because after killing Abby it would have become necessary to kill that barely conscious kid, too so it wouldn’t go after Ellie in an attempt to avenge Abby and while she was already in a killing spree Ellie would have to kill those prisoners and their guards, too so nobody would find out that she was responsible for Abby’s and the kid’s death - in case they still had friends or allies somewhere. But since Abby and the kid escaped and Ellie was nowhere to be seen, the remaining people would think that either she escaped with them or was killed and disposed of by them...

Ellie forbad herself to think any further about that whole fiasco and only allowed herself the last thought that while it was probably right to let Abby escape for being able to break through that circle of hatred and violence, Ellie didn’t have to be some kind of noble and selfless Jedi and forgive Abby for killing Joel. Ellie even wondered if Abby was part of, if not the reason for that hollow and empty feeling inside her, simply because Abby was still alive even though after killing Joel she seemed to have lost more or less everything, too.

Ellie realised that she was still torn and maybe there wasn’t the right decision for this whole disaster that felt fair in honor of Joel and Jesse, but was morally and for her conscience the right thing to do, too. 

“You okay, kiddo?” Tommy suddenly asked and Ellie almost flinched because she had been so lost in thoughts. “Yeah, I’m... just thinking.” “Me too, kiddo, me too... what if we wouldn’t have saved this fucking bitch from that horde of Infected, what if we’d been more careful and used fake names instead of our real names, what if...” “Shoulda, coulda, woulda - Tommy, we already discussed this. We can’t make it undone, but... well.” “We could try to avenge Joel.” “Yeah...” “Maybe shoving a golf club up Abby's ass and then beating her to death with a tennis racket...” 

Ellie felt more and more uncomfortable and weakly she gestured to the exit of the cemetery. “Let's talk about this somewhere privat. Surely the dead aren’t listening to us but...” “Yeah, you’re right - in Jackson there are way too many nosy people - it’s actually becoming a problem. I... eh... I may have moved into the hut you used to live in.” “Yeah, Maria told me about it.” “So you already spoke to her?” “We talked, yes. Well - she was mostly interrogating me but at least she warmed me up some lunch, too.” “What was it? Her famous stew? Or her briquet which is one of the reasons why I asked her to marry me?” “The stew.” “Damn, now I’m hungry by just thinking about it...” “Hey - your pizzas ain’t that bad and I always loved your barbecued meat, too!” “You’re always way too nice and polite, kiddo - but I’m glad you like Joels and mine ways of making food as we did it in Texas back in the day. Damn, those were times... I still can remember the big barbecue parties we used to have - me, Joel and the other guys...”

Tommy let out a weary sigh while he started walking towards the exit of the cemetery. “You know what makes me feel really old? That there’s now a full generation of grown up young people that don’t have any memory from before because they simply weren’t born then. But it’s kind of a gift, too - you only know this shitworld and you never had to witness the whole world turning upside down, you don’t know how much we’ve actually lost, you never had to experience Outbreakday... sorry, I’m in a bad mood.” “Don’t worry about it - it’s not like Joel told me that often enough, either.” “Yeah, that’s what we old people do - mourning the past and how everything used to be better... but in that case it’s actually true. Damn, where did I put those effing keys...”   


“So... you moved into my old hut?” “Yeah, y’know... Maria and I needed some distance. As in literally distance and your place is relatively outside, it was available and it doesn’t have any stairs, too. In addition to that it’s close from here to the cemetery and I’m straight next to Joel’s house so I only have to cross the backyard if I want to continue sorting Joel’s stuff. It’s ridiculous what that guy managed to hoard over the last couple years, but no surprise if I think about how much he loved to collect stuff...” “So nobody else wanted to move in, yet?” “No - the house is pretty far outside of Jackson, in need of renovation by now and because of its size it’s gonna be a lot of work, not to mention that everyone thinks that it’s your house. Everyone sees you as Joel's daughter so you inherited all of his stuff...” “Yeah, I know... I... just didn’t have the strength, yet, to enter it again for longer than necessary...” “I get that and it’s not a pleasant experience for me, either... I packed your remaining stuff you didn’t take with you when you moved up to that farm in a few cartons - it’s over there in the corner under that big blanket. I only used your furniture and that bit of tableware you left here...” “It’s fine, really - better the stuff is used by someone instead of just getting covered in dust.” “Thank you... Do you want something to drink? Beer? Water? Eh... I think I drank all of that stuff they’re calling a lemonade and is actually really well-tasting even though it looks way too much like piss...” “Water’s fine.” Ellie said who already felt a dry mouth, especially since she was absolutely not looking forward to a certain inevitable conversation with Tommy who didn’t even try to hide his curious glances while he handed her a mug. “Here - it’s one of your favorite mugs as far as I remember...” “Yeah, I found it in the souvenir shop of a cinema Joel and I passed through and didn’t take the mug up to the farm so JJ wouldn’t break it - he has this inevitable desire to throw around things he gets into his little hands. I just found it funny, first, a big detailed map of some fantasy world, printed on a mug, but then I read the books about the world after we settled here...” “Yeah, I still see you sitting for hours in the little library we built up over the years, reading all that fantasy and science fiction stuff...” 

Ellie nodded while trying to return Tommys smile. “Yeah and the movies were fantastic, too and now, when I’ve got this mug in my hand, looking at the little map, I just dream of travelling in a world without any Infected but full of Elves, Dwarves, noble Men and Hobbits...” “Yeah, I’d like to be there, too - but during a time when Sauron got defeated already! I fought enough against Infected in my life - don’t need to fight against orcs and those creepy black riders, too! Damn, you’ve been lucky that you found that mug - I think there was another movie about some special Hobbit about to hit the cinemas later that year, you know, when the Outbreak happened, and they were already busy with promotion? You know, I actually never dared to use that mug because I was worried I’d accidentally broke it... I’ve got clumsy, ya know. Still have to adjust to having only one eye... damn - no wonder that bitch used a golf club ‘cause obviously she’s unable to shoot someone properly in the head who’s already lying defeated on the ground and is barely inches away.”

Ellie couldn’t help but snort because of that snarky remark and Tommy showed a weak smile. “I’m really glad you’re back, y’know? You’re actually looking good, better than last time I saw you on that farm.” “Really?” “Yeah - except for your left hand. Two missing fingers and a new small scar that seems to be the result of a chemical burn... Runner or Clicker?” “Abby - I actually got bitten in the hand by a Clicker and had to... treat it afterwards, but it was Abby who bit off two of my fingers...” “Really? She knows you’re infected and still bites you? Damn girl is even more stupid than I thought...” “Perhaps she knew that I’m more or less infected, but not infectious... actually I don’t think she had time to think about it at that moment.” 

Ellie sighed, since now she got to the part Tommy wouldn’t like - and even though he couldn’t hide his curiosity his face was relatively neutral when he took one more sip of his glas - very much to Ellies surprise he drank water, too instead of beer - and looked at her with an unreadable expression.

“I’m sorry and you don’t have to answer this, but... I just have to ask...” “I let her go.” Tommys face didn’t show any reaction and after a moment of silence Ellie shrugged, nervously fidgeting with the mug in her hand. “I had her, I could’ve killed her, but I decided to let her go.” “Why?” “I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. You remember, when we watched Star Wars together? When you and Joel got all nostalgic and I finally got your Jar Jar Binks jokes? Well - I was afraid of losing myself, if I followed my path full of anger and hatred... I thought, I’d turn over to the dark side, become a Sith or something like that if I gave myself up to all that hatred and rage I was feeling. I know, it’s stupid, I should’ve realized it earlier - a lot of people like Dina or Maria told me to let it go. But... I just didn’t realise it before, you know? I... I feel empty now, calmer than before, but still hollow... at least I didn’t lose my humanity... I think? I mean I still feel anger, the desire for revenge and visiting Joel's grave reminded me of that, but... I was afraid of losing myself if I didn’t try to stop the violent, bloodthirsty, brutal me, you know? Damn, it’s hard to explain, don’t think I have the words for it, it’s not like I’m understanding it either...”

Nervously Ellie looked at Tommy whose face still didn’t show any reaction and he sat on his chair like a statue, staring at Ellie with his one tired looking eye.

But then all of a sudden Tommy burst out laughing, but it wasn’t a happy laugh - it was loud and wild, almost manic and Ellie found herself looking for escapes in case Tommy would completely lose his mind and tried to attack her or do something other irrational and potentially dangerous towards Ellie.

But just as suddenly he had started Tommy stopped laughing and when he looked again at Ellie he seemed even more older and tired than before. “Damn, that’s way to fucking funny - I actually can see Joel laughing his ass off! Oh fate is fucking hate me, using my own words against me...” “Eh...” “Please lemme tell ya a story, Ellie - basically the only thing an old half-blind cripple can do anymore. Don’t worry - I’m not gonna attack you or whatever you’re afraid of. “‘Kay...” 

Tommy sighed and his expression got distant when he started speaking. “Ya know why I found it so funny, that you said that? ‘Cause once I said something pretty similar, too. Back in the day, before the Outbreak, Joel and I were quite close... Sarah wasn’t exactly planned, you know. It was more of a highschool hookup and suddenly Sarah's mother was pregnant, but Joel and Sarah's mother decided to keep the baby and not abort and they even married in an attempt to get something like a family. Unfortunately it didn’t work out and when Sarah was around two years old they decided to break up. But they never made it official, at least legal speaking. Just a couple weeks after their breakup, when Sarah’s mother was on her way to Joel's house to get some of her stuff, she had a car accident. Apparently she’d been drunk, but the other driver was speeding - both died that night and there were no witnesses but a lot of open questions... So Joel as the widower got all her stuff and bunkered it for Sarah so she would inherit it when she got older and I helped him through that time, especially ‘cause our parents had their own battle to fight with cancer and other stuff people were dying from before the Outbreak.”

Again, Tommy sighed. “Was pretty tough for Joel, as ya can imagine. He felt guilty, was quite overwhelmed by everything, especially in the beginning - my point is, I helped Joel out, watched Sarah when he’d to work and what else you’ve to do if you’re supporting a single parent. In fact for a while Sarah started to call me Daddy, too before she was old enough to understand the difference between a father and an uncle. Got us into some trouble ‘cause we were living in a pretty conservative region of Texas where they didn’t like two daddies. For a while we even lived together and did everything together, so there were some misunderstandings we luckily always could sort out. Even though she was only my niece, Sarah felt like a daughter for me, y’know? I didn’t have any kids, was living a happy life as a bachelor and enjoying my free life while still having the feeling of being responsible for someone... was a weird situation and it’s hard to describe, especially now after the world has turned upside down. My point is that it was... hard for me, too when Sarah died and just as Joel I got caught up in a vortex of hatred and anger as you described it so fitting... sadly I don’t have to explain it to you anymore... but eventually I realised that it had to stop. Joel and I did so many horrible things to survive and just to hurt the military we hated both so much - and when I tried explaining it to Joel that we had to move on, that we became monsters, he just laughed at me. I actually said something similar to what you just said to me, perhaps called him Darth Vader at some point, too...”

Tommy slowly shook his head and showed a weak smile while he looked at Ellie. “So I joined the Fireflies and they were more than happy to welcome me, as you probably can imagine. Joel and I both already got a reputation and I made it pretty high in the organisation, becoming a Captain or how they used to call that position - back in the day they were constantly changing their ranks and titles. Eventually I wasn’t happy there either since the Fireflies turned out to be not that right and correct as I was hoping before and I already had heard of this settlement here, so I decided to leave the Fireflies. Marlene and I were close enough to talk about my plans - and she actually helped me... let’s just say that she owned me some kind of favor. So I did one last mission for the Fireflies and when I didn’t return Marlene declared me for death while I was actually already on my way to Jackson.”

Tommy sighed. “Ellie, I... I get what you’re trying to tell me. I’m still yearning for vengeance and nobodys gonna stop me if I ever meet that bitch again, so don’t think I’m happy about it that you let her go. But your desire to find your humanity again shows that you’re still human and have something like a conscience - that's not something to be taken for granted in this world anymore, so I’m not blaming you for that. Still, it’s not wrong to feel the desire for revenge...” “Yeah, I’m not saying that I forgave her or something like that - I’m not a Jedi, either. It’s just, it felt... wrong. It’s actually ridiculous - I had to save Abby first and later threaten her companion because initially she didn’t even want to fight against me! I’m not sure if you remember it but in Seattle Abby was accompanied by some kid with these weird scars in its face and it was the same one again - can’t say if it was a boy or girl...” “You told me about it but no, I can’t remember the kid... so you’re telling me you... saved her?” “Well, she managed to get caught by some kind of slave drivers or something like that... I actually barely recognized her, she was little more than a shadow of her former self and no longer that... She-Hulk.”

Tommy nodded slowly. “I see...” “So we fought, close combat, I was about to drown her and then... it felt wrong. Had some kind of flashback with Joel, too - y’know, not dead but him sitting on his porch and playing the guitar...” “Yeah... okay, I’m no fucking shrink so I can’t talk you through that.” With a deep sigh Tommy leaned back and for a moment he looked very thoughtfully at Ellie before he continued speaking. “I get it, what you’re trying to tell me. I don’t like it but I can understand it - and because even though I covered Joel with his lies and you had every reason to ignore me, you didn’t but allowed us to have a somewhat good relationship, nonetheless. So I’m trying to return it now by acting... reasonable even though I’m not happy - I feel robbed of the chance for ultimate payback and you said it even for yourself, that in the end there’s only one thing to fully avenge Joel and that is killing Abby! The soldier who shot Sarah got killed by me when I tried to save her and Joel, so he got his payback very quickly...” “Did it feel... satisfying? Killing the soldier who shot Sarah, I mean?” “Our hatred was less against that particular soldier I already had shot before Joel and I noticed that Sarah had been... fatally injured, but the organisation he was serving for. The military, the government - there’s a reason why we never worked for them. But regarding Abby...”

Again, Tommy sighed while crossing his arms. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so aggressive against you when I visited you and Dina on that farm, but I’m not apologising for giving you the information about Abby. At least back then you still seemed restless, your desire to avenge Joel was still haunting you visibly and I actually thought that I was doing you a favour. I gotta be honest - I’m restraining myself here to not shout at you for letting that fucking bitch escape! I can understand your reasons so I’m trying to be reasonable here, but... she killed Joel with a fucking golf club! It wasn’t just a simple kill, it was...” “Yeah, I know and it’s not like I’m forgiving her. It’s just...” “Just let’s not talk about this anymore, okay? Actually let’s make a deal! You’ll never talk to me again about Joel’s lies and no longer blaming him for saving your life and in return I’m not gonna say anything anymore about this whole Abby disaster.” “‘Kay.” “Deal?” “Deal...” “Good.”

Tommy took a deep breath before his gaze softened and now showing a weak smile he looked at Ellie, again. “I’m really glad that you made it back! I actually thought that you were capable for your trip to California so I wasn’t that worried about you, but it was a long and dangerous trip nonetheless... do you already have plans for what you wanna do next?” “Most likely patrols sooner than later, but otherwise no specific plans, yet...” “Did you already talk to Dina?” “No, I went straight from Maria’s house to here and didn’t meet her on my way here.” “Can’t remember the last time I spoke with Dina... as you can imagine she’s... quite out of sorts with me - but I’m not blaming her. Dina thought that you were physically too weak to fight against Abby and that I stole your chance of moving on, that I ignited the hatred and vengefulness in you, again and similar stuff. Dina seems fine, as far as I can tell - I’m not speaking with her anymore, we don’t even greet each other when we pass each other on the street.” “Ah...” “JJ seems fine, too. Looks healthy and often stays with his grandparents when his mother isn’t home, I think - Dina is working with the electricians now and is pretty good at her job as I heard. Pretty everyone who cares enough to bother about it thinks you’re dead and the only reason why they didn’t carve your name under Joels on his tombstone is because I forbad it to them.” “When...” “I would’ve allowed it to them when it’d become too tedious to take care of the grave, alone. If there’s your name on the tombstone, too at least some of your friends and most likely Maria, too would look after it.” “I’m actually surprised that at least Maria doesn't look after Joel’s grave, too?” “Let’s just say that Maria and I had some pretty strong disagreements and she and Joel never had been that close - he was my brother and that was about it and I don’t have to tell you that Joel never has been the most charming and outgoing person.” “Yeah...” “In addition to that I already had told Maria parts of my past with Joel before both of you came to Jackson for the first time, so especially in the beginning Maria always was... a bit skeptical of Joel. But that's all in the past now and at least Maria always liked you and because you were hanging out so often with us old folks she got used to you, too.”

Suddenly Tommy clapped his hands. “Enough of that talking - by now I talked more than the entire last month, I think! I reckon you wanna have your hut back, don't you?” “Well, I liked living here...” “Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal for me to pack my stuff and carry it over to the bungalow I used before. I’m gonna use one of those carts that are normally used for transporting stuff around Jackson - you’d do me a favor and organise me one of those.” “‘Kay.” “Packing my stuff shouldn’t take much time - if you’d help me we’re done in the afternoon and you can use your hut, again. It’s surprisingly comfortable here and actually reminds me of my first place after I’d moved out from home. Damn... back then when I thought I’d conquer the world...” “Really?” “Yeah...” “So what happened? Except for the Outbreak, of course?” “Life happened, combined with some bad decisions... but enough of that! Did you already think about how you’re gonna carry back your stuff from that farm down to Jackson?” “Yeah, within the next few days I’m riding up there, supported by a patrol - Maria wanted to help me with organising one of the pack donkeys, too. It’s not that much anymore that’s still at the farm, so we’d get everything down here in one tour.” “Good.”

After a moment of awkward silence Ellie eventually nodded. “Well, I’m gonna head out to get you one of these carts as you asked me to do so.” “Yes, that’s a good idea, I’m gonna start with packing my stuff in the meantime.” “‘Kay.” “You can put on one of my coats if you’d like. Probably prevents you from getting recognised since I’m sure that you've had enough difficult conversations for today.” “Oh yes, eh... thank you - I appreciate it, really.” “No big deal, kiddo - as you can imagine I’d had my fair share of unpleasant conversations during the past few months as well and I’m trying to avoid them, too. I’m not envying you - just like me you’d to make some... difficult decisions, too and facing the consequences is quite the opposite of enjoyable, unfortunately.” “Yeah...” 


	3. Chapter 3

“So how do you like your new place?” “It’s awesome - and since it’s entirely my own I can do here whatever I want, decorate it just as I like it and don’t have to be considerate of somebody else, a roommate or something.” “Yeah, it’s nice, isn’t it? As long as you won’t start feeling lonely...” “Don’t worry, I’m gonna visit you often enough - it’s not like I’m basically living in your backyard.” “Yeah, the craftsmen did a really good job with turning that garage into a place someone can live in relatively comfortably.” “I’ll survive, don’t worry.”

Joel smiles while he continues looking around. “It actually reminds me of Tommy’s first place after he’d moved out from home. Something small like this, even though way more shabby - and the toilet was very delicate about how much it’d take before it became clogged.” “Ew - gross!” “At least it was cheap and close to where he worked back then.” “Ah...” “So is everything done here or something still unfinished?” “In the next few days they want to replace the windows so it’s less draughty here.” “That’s gonna be important for winter, too.” “Yeah...” “Warm water works?” “They installed the storage water heater yesterday and it’s working fine so far.” “Good - no longer I’ve to deal with cold water after you used up all of the warm water because of your never ending showers!” “Ey - my showers aren’t that long and the storage heater is pretty small, so all heated water is quickly used up!” “Luckily I don’t have to tidy up behind you anymore because you’re living as messy and are as lazy with doing chores as I would’ve expected it from a fifteen years old...” “I’m not that... untidy! For example I did the dishes all by myself yesterday... two days ago and you didn’t even have to ask me for doing so!” “Only because you didn’t want to wait until evening when I’m usually doing the dishes since you couldn’t stand the smell of my tableware after I had some disgusting cauliflower for lunch. Here you gotta do all the chores by yourself - all the time!” “Yeah, that’s one of the things I’m not looking forward to...” “At least you can have guests here without worrying about me...” “As if you wouldn’t notice who’s visiting me anyway - they’ve to climb over the fence if they don’t want to use the front entrance!” “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna monitor your social life - actually I’d be glad if you find some friends.” “If you’re trying to motivate me to hang out more with people around my age, as you said it so nice recently, don’t worry - I’m not gonna stay all day in my hut and read stuff or try to draw something.” 

Joel shows an amused smile. “You know they’ve a school here...” “Absolutely not - I’ve been in Boston way too long in school and what I want to know I can read for myself! If I recall it correctly you didn’t seem to be very impressed by the school, either.” “It was just not the best timing that we spoke with the two pre-school teachers instead of the teachers for older students when Maria showed us the... institution.” “They tried to talk with me as if I was three years old!” “Well, it’s not like you acted like an adult person there with your complaining and how much you hate school...” “I just tried to explain my opinion about visiting a school, again!” “A school is not only a place to learn something but meet people, too. Don’t you think it’d be nice if you’ve got more friends than that girl from your Savage Starlight comics, Wonder Woman or who else you like reading about?” “Don’t be ridiculous - it’s not like I’m considering them as... my friends or something like that even though I’d be very happy if that would be possible, of course - and you’re the right person to talk! I reckon if you try less looking as if you’d eat nails for breakfast people are gonna be less scared of you and won’t run away if you’re trying to have a conversation with them!”

Joel seems even more amused than before. “I actually like that they ain’t bothering me - it’s something that always annoys me, if people are too talkative. That’s actually something I liked about Tess - she was clear and direct and didn’t want to talk about the weather, feelings, my past or other annoying stuff...” “I’m sure that Maria is only trying to show honest interest in you - after all you’re her husband's brother about whom she most likely heard a lot of stories already.” “Maria seems like a fine woman, I get why Tommy likes her.” “But?” “There’s no but - she’s Tommy's wife and leader of Jackson so I’m trying to deal with her appropriately.” “So... how are you gonna kill her?” Joel chuckles while he crosses his arms and leans against the door frame. “In a way how you always deal with annoying people - throwing her out of the window.” “So why didn’t you throw me out of a window by now?” “Luckily you moved into your own little hut before I lost my patience! If there’s anything you need - you know where to find me.” “Yeah...” 

Suddenly Joel changes and looks older, more tired now, with this sad look on his face he almost always shows since Ellie finally found out the truth about what happened in the hospital in Salt Lake City. “You alright, kiddo? I was doing some repairs on the small fence gate and your girlfriend almost ran me over when she hurriedly left. As far as I can tell she didn’t seem to be very happy...” “Well, I’m sure Cat’s fine - and she’s not my girlfriend anymore.” “No?” “No.” “You alright?” “Yes.” “Good.”

Joel slowly nods while he starts to leave Ellie’s hut - and suddenly pauses when he was about to close the door behind him. “I know that a breakup isn’t the most... pleasurable thing to experience...” “As I told you - I’m fine!” “I’m... glad to hear that! And... if there’s anything you need, you know where to find me.” “I’d like to be alone now.” “Don’t worry, I’m already leaving...”

When Ellie woke up the first thing she did was punching angrily against the wall over her bed - and then cursing because of the sudden pain in her fist. It was not only Joel’s violent death that haunted her dreams, more and more often she dreamt of how cold and dismissive she had treated him after finding out about his lies. Ellie knew that she had every right to feel angry and betrayed, but she cursed herself for not trying to understand Joel's intentions earlier so she would have got more than just one last, short and kind of awkward conversation with him before his sudden violent death. 

After a long hot shower and a breakfast with some food Tommy had left her, Ellie finally felt ready to leave her hut. Originally Ellie had wanted to visit Maria in the morning before she was expected in the town hall, but since Ellie not only had overslept but hadn’t been in any kind of hurry during her morning routine it was way too late for a spontaneous private meeting with the leader of Jackson, now and eventually Ellie decided to do Plan B instead - talking with Dina. 

Talking with Maria and Tommy hadn’t been the most pleasant experience for Ellie, but didn’t turn out to be as bad as she had feared before. The next challenge would be talking with Dina - and it was something Ellie was even more afraid of. Not only did she hurt Dina by walking out on her, Ellie failed being part of the family she, Dina and JJ had become by prioritising her personal vengeance over their family life. Ellie knew that she not only hurted but disappointed Dina, too and that Dina had every reason to be angry and bitter - and Ellie exactly knew that while she wasn’t overly unforgiving, the usually passionate Dina was going to tell her all of this to make Ellie feel even more guilty than she already felt. 

So while Ellie yearned for speaking with Dina, again she wasn’t looking forward to their first meeting - and most likely Dina would already have heard by now that Ellie had returned from California because in Jackson word went around quickly and especially the chatty Dina was always up to date with the newest gossips and rumors. 

Just when Ellie was about to leave her little hut she took one last look into the mirror - and couldn’t help but groan because she looked exactly as she felt - like shit. Usually Ellie avoided looking too closely at herself because often enough she didn’t find the strength to bear her own, broken gaze. But Ellie forced herself to muster herself now - and started to wonder how bad she must have looked in the past that Tommy immediately had told her that she was apparently looking better now than before her trip to California. 

Not only was Ellie so thin that every bone was visible, there were deep shadows under her eyes and her clothes were worn out and dirty - Ellie had been too lazy to unpack her few remaining stuff that was still lying in the corner under a big white blanket and just dressed into the clothes she’d worn before. When Ellie glanced into her own eyes for a moment she quickly looked down, again, feeling a shiver running down her spine after looking into that tired, cold gaze. There was a hard look in Ellie’s face, a look someone got who had seen too much, didn’t smile anymore and was done with the world. Again Ellie wondered how bad she must have looked before her departure to California - and after a moment of consideration she came to the conclusion that Tommy only had been polite and Ellie was looking just as shitty if not even shittier than before. 

After a quick walk without running into anyone she had a somewhat closer relationship with, Ellie tried to mentally prepare herself for meeting Dina while she entered the main branch of the electricians - and felt almost relieved when the young man behind the reception told her that Dina was currently working on some construction area in the northern part of Jackson.

“They’re usually working until five o’clock in the afternoon - can’t say if Dina is stopping by here or walking home directly after calling it a day.” “Thanks for the information.” “I can give Dina a call if you want...” “Please don’t, but thanks for the offer.” “So where have you been, if I’m allowed to ask? Haven’t seen you here in quite some time...” “I’ve been travelling.” “Really? Where?” “Here and there.” “I see... well, don’t worry I’m not bothering you any longer - I’m just glad that you’re back and didn’t die out there. Where are you living now? Everything alright there with the electricity or do you need some repairs?” “I’m living in my hut, again and as far as I can tell everything seems to work there.” “I’m glad to hear that, but if there’s something broken don’t try to repair it by yourself and risk electrocuting yourself but give us a call instead.” “Yeah, I’ll think of it, don’t worry.” 

Even though Jackson had constantly grown over the last couple years it was still a small settlement and the chance of running into someone familiar was pretty high. So it didn’t surprise Ellie that much when she ran into someone she knew pretty well after leaving the main branch of the electricians and slowly strolling down the main road, thinking about what she should do next. “Oh hello Ellie - so you’re really back?” “Yeah, sorry to disappoint you.” 

Seth, who obviously didn’t get thinner the last couple months, showed an awkward smile. “Don’t say something like that, Ellie! I lost myself one time - I’m very happy if you’re happy and... I like watching two girls kissing, really!” “Porn doesn’t count.” “Why not? I mean...” “Don’t you’ve an inn to run?” “I’m currently organising some orders for meat, drinks - the usual stuff. Feel invited for a visit...” “Thanks but I’d rather eat nothing than something at your place!” “Tell at least Maria that I’ve been nice to you - she’s still suspicious that I don’t tolerate strange queer folks what’s obviously not the truth!” “I’m gonna tell her exactly what you just said to me!” “C’mon don’t tell me I said something wrong again...” “Just do me a favour and stop talking to me - ever!” Ellie sneered before she quickly walked away - and almost immediately ran into the next person she didn’t want to have a conversation with, now. “Oh hello Ellie - I couldn’t believe it last night, when I heard that you’re back - but here you are, alive and... looking good!” “You’ve always been way too polite - I know for myself that I’m looking like shit.”

Ellie had to force herself to return Robin’s smile - and immediately knew that she failed miserably with doing so - while she awkwardly patted Jesse's father on the back when he insisted on hugging her. “No, I’m serious - you’re looking better! Of course Dina told us why you left her and JJ but... I can understand that and I think you managed to get some peace with yourself.” “Thank you...” “Jesse always told us about how capable you are and what’s not surprising, considering your late father...” “Yeah, Joel teached me a lot...” “I insist that you visit us whenever you feel ready and have the time - as you know you’ve been so often at our place that you’ve become part of our family, too!” “Thank you, I... yeah, don’t worry I’m gonna visit you folks...” “Have you already spoken with Dina? She terribly missed you and I know she’s gonna be more than relieved that you’re still alive! To be honest the longer you’ve been away the more people thought that you were... you know - it’s a dangerous world out there after all.” “Yeah I know, but as you said it for yourself - I had good teachers...” “So have you spoken with Dina already?” “No, I just got back yesterday and apparently she’s currently at work...” “Yes, Dina is working as an electrician now - and pretty good with her work as I was able to witness for myself! Wouldn’t this something for you, too? You’re so interested in physics and science stuff - I’m sure you’d be an excellent electrician, engineer or something similar?” “Eh... I think I’m gonna do patrols again - I heard they’ve a shortage in staff for going out and that’s what I’m best at.” “Just consider doing something inside the city walls - you’ve already had to experience so much fighting that you deserve doing something more peaceful!” “I’ll... think about it...”

Jesse’s parents were some of the nicest people Ellie knew and they’ve kept being nice to her even after Jesses death who died in Seattle because of joining a revenge campaign Tommy and Ellie had started. Because of this often enough the atmosphere got quite awkward between Ellie and Jesse’s parents sooner or later, but they always tried to break it by changing the topic or using some kind of distraction. 

“Ellie - since when you’re back?” “Yesterday...” “I’m so glad to see you - I heard you travelled all the way down to California in an attempt to avenge Joel’s and Jesse’s killer?” “Where’d you heard that?” “You know how quickly word goes around in Jackson and... let’s just say that at some point Tommy and Dina had a big fight on the open road in the middle of the town and somebody fetched me to calm down both of them.” “Must’ve been pretty dramatic if they decided to call the town’s shrink...” 

Linda, a short elderly woman with more grey than blonde hair by now, disapprovingly raised an eyebrow. “Yes, they were fighting very badly and you know that I don’t like it if someone calls me like that.” “Sorry.” “So how's it been in California? I think I must add that since I’m from California I’m especially curious how it’s looking there these days?” “Too sunny, too hot and now I know that the last thing you want on a more or less open stomach wound is saltwater.” “That’s... oddly specific.” “So where have you been from? I mean California is a big country...” “From Los Angeles - before the Outbreak I grew up, studied and even worked for a couple of years as a psychologist there.” “Actually I think I wasn’t far away from Los Angeles - I’ve been to Santa Barbara.” “Oh yes, of course I know that little town - it’s one of those regions only the very rich could afford to live there.” “I can imagine ‘cause it looked fancy there.” “Did you meet some survivors there, or only Infected?” “Both.” “What kind of survivors?” “Some slave drivers I tried to avoid as much as possible.” “So you killed everyone of them?” “Only a few - the slaves were doing some riot so both them and the slave drivers were basically killing each other.” “As it is always with humans - it’s quite depressing that the few remains of humanity don't have better things to do than fighting each other, don’t you think?” “Yeah...” “So - have you been successful with your mission to avenge Joel?” “Tell me a reason how this is any of your fucking business?” “I’m just trying to help you, Ellie - you’re looking not okay and...” “I’m fine, thanks for asking.” “You know where to find me if you need someone to talk to.” “As I said it before - I’m fine!” “Sometimes it can be easier to open up to someone open minded, someone who isn’t one of your close friends but...” 

Ellie decided to just walk away from Linda - and because Jackson was way too small Ellie immediately ran into the next person she knew all too well. “Oh hello Ellie!” “Eh... hello Dina...” “Where are you running from? Is there a Clicker behind you?” “No, eh... just Linda who still tries to give therapy to me...” “I actually talked with her and it wasn’t that bad...” “Yeah, I know that I’m the prime example of someone who’s in dire need for therapy. Where are you heading to? I was told you are working on a construction zone?” “I’m taking a quick break and getting me and my peers some food...” “Why am I not surprised to hear that?”

Dina, who’d looked mostly surprised, almost shocked before, showed a weak smile, now. “You know me all too well, El! C’mon, you can join me - you look like you’re in dire need of food, too!” “As long as you don’t get your lunch at the Typsy Bison...” “For whom you’re mistaken me? That bigot’s inn is the last place I would get some food even though he makes some of the very best sandwiches in Jackson.” “Yeah, it’s almost depressing how good his sandwiches are...”

For a moment they walked in an awkward silence next to each other until Dina looked again at Ellie and managed to look curious, angry and sad at the same time. “So... how was your trip to California? Was it worth the trouble? And how did you kill her - with a tennis racket? A baseball bat? Or used a golf club, too?” “Well... I reckon I'd have to travel all the way to Santa Barbara to realise that you’ve been right and I’ve been wrong.” “What do you mean?” “I had her, I could’ve killed her, but I let her go. Just as I said before I reckon I had to travel all the way to California to realise that you were right and I had to break out of that vortex of hatred and violence...”

Dina now seemed mostly stunned and even stopped walking. “You... I gotta be honest that’s not what I was expecting to hear...” “Yeah, Maria and Tommy were pretty surprised, too.” “You already talked with Tommy? What did he say? I can’t imagine that he was very happy about your decision... to let Abby go? Or did you lie to him?” “No, I told him the truth and... understandably he's not happy but he said he’d understand my reasons.” “Really?” “You know... it’s not like I'm forgiving Abby or something, it’s just... I realised I was losing myself and I had to do something. If I’m gonna see Abby again most likely I’m gonna try to kill her, again. But I’m not... actively looking for her anymore and... I think regarding this I finally managed to move on.” “I see...”

Dina still seemed taken aback but continued walking a moment later. “That’s... interesting... so... so what are your plans, now?” “Don’t know, yet. As Maria described it so fittingly, I burned a lot of bridges and... you know, I have basically two things I’m good at or special with. I learned a lot from Joel and Tommy so I’m relatively good at patrols and forays - and my... you know what.” “Lemme guess by looking at your left hand - you’re only standing here because of your... secret?” “Actually it was Abby who bit off two of my fingers, but yeah - my left hand might have got too close with the mouth of a Clicker, too and I had to use some... stuff to cover it up.” “Jeez...” “Yeah...” “She bit off two of your fingers?” “Let’s just say that it was a very messy fight...” 

Then they were at a small snack bar and after Dina had bought a lot of sandwiches for herself and her coworkers and a couple for Ellie, who didn’t have any Jackson money with her, they continued walking. “Don’t worry about it - I can imagine that you’re currently low on funds right now and it’s a chance for me to repay some of my loans - you’ve bought me food and drinks way too often!” “It wasn’t a big deal for me to spend you some food and drinks - you know that I always had more than enough Jackson Dollars because if I needed new stuff like clothes I’d get them during patrols basically for free instead of buying them in Jackson... what I’m trying to say is that I’d barely spent money on other stuff than food so I always had enough money and a hungry Dina gets insufferable very quickly!” 

Dina, who was just about to take a bite from her sandwich, snorted and rolled her eyes but had a faint smile on her lips while she looked at Ellie. “I’m not... that... hoggish!” “Trust me, you are!” “You are the right person to blame me - you’re taller than me and not eating half of what you’re supposed to eat!” “You know that my appetite hasn't been the biggest...” “And now?” “What now?” “You said you managed to move on - do you have more appetite now than before?” “Not really... I reckon I have to get used to eating more than just a couple of bites, again...” “What about your nightmares and flashbacks? Do you still have them?” “Occasionally. How have you been? How’s JJ?” “I couldn’t do the work on the farm all by myself so I moved back to Jackson with JJ - most of our sheeps are part of another herd on a farm north of Jackson now, a few of the already older and weaker sheeps got killed.” “Mhm...” “JJ is okay, he’s healthy but I can’t tell you if he’s missing you or not - I’m not sure if he’s already old enough to realise that you left and he has only one mommy anymore.” “As I said before I’m sorry...” “Stop.”

Dina raised her hand and suddenly seemed very tired. “It’s okay, I know that you were deeply... unhappy and if the... trip to California helped you to come to terms with yourself, it’s fine. Even though I shouldn't, I still care for you and I’m more than relieved that you’re still alive and managed to come back to Jackson. Nonetheless... as I told you this is over - I can’t do this anymore. Maybe we can stay friends, but nothing more - I lost my trust in you. I need a partner I can rely on and I thought that we’ve been together through so much that you’d never walk out on me - literally! But you did and I don’t know if you’re gonna do this again, so I don’t think I can trust you anymore regarding this...” “I totally can understand that and I’m not asking you...” “You actually remind me of Joel.” “I beg your pardon?”

Ellie looked surprised at Dina who had a sad smile on her lips now. “You actually look better now, less... broken... haunted... so I guess the trip to California wasn’t entirely useless after all, at least for you. But you look so... distant... cold... you can’t even smile properly anymore! Do me a favor and don’t try becoming Joel, instead - he always terrified me before he softened up a bit and I got to know him better! We can try staying friends, Ellie and I still care for you - but...” “Yeah it’s fine. I mean it’s okay. It’s actually what I expected and that’s why I thought Maria’s description so fitting, that I burned a lot of bridges.”

Ellie tried to hide her sadness and disappointment that the little hope of reuniting with Dina wasn’t about to be fulfilled and quickly decided to change the subject, again. “So you’re working with the electricians now...” “Yes, Eugene taught me a lot of useful stuff and I actually like doing that kind of work. It’s a peaceful but nonetheless interesting work and it has fixed working hours, so... I’m happy that I got the job.” “I’m glad to hear that.” “Wouldn’t be this something for you, too? I mean you’re so interested in that kind of stuff, you know - physics, science...” “I’m sure I’m more useful on patrols.” “You know - the more time passed and the more unlikely it got that you’d return from California, meaning that you paid your desire for vengeance with your life...” “Yeah, I already heard that people thought I’d be dead by now...” 

Dina impatiently waved her hand. “Lemme finish please! What I’m trying to say is that while on the one hand I still had hope that you’d come back one day and I knew that you were capable, not to mention the fact that you... let’s say that you don’t have to be that afraid of the Infected as we normal humans have to be. Nonetheless it’s still very dangerous out there so there was the chance that you were still alive but at the same time it was not unlikely you were already dead - and because I... couldn’t decide what to believe I felt reminded of that story you once told me about... damn, what was the name again? You know, the story with the cat that’s dead and alive at the same time...” “You mean the thought experiment of Schrödinger's cat I told you about after reading about it in a physics book?” “Yes, I was talking about that!” “I’m surprised that you actually listened when I told you about Schrödinger’s cat!” “Hey, I’m not that inattentive! What I’m trying to tell you is not only how worried I’ve been about you, but that you should at least consider something else than doing dangerous patrols and forays. I mean as far as I can tell you loved living out there on that farm, you know all that funny and often crazy physics stuff and we don’t have to discuss how skillful you are with making and fixing stuff...” “I’d only feel restless after a short amount of time if I’d have to stay all the time in Jackson, not to mention the fact that they seem to have a shortage of staff for going out on patrols, so... at least for now it’s the only right thing to do.” 

Dina nodded, now looking almost guilty. “Yeah, that’s a problem indeed and I actually considered reporting me ready for going out on patrols, again but... I’m done with fighting and what if something happens to me? I’m a mother now and I’ve a responsibility for JJ - something you had, too!” With very reproachful eyes Dina looked at Ellie. “You let not only me but JJ down, too!” “Yeah, I know and I’m sorry for that...” 

While they were talking and eating their sandwiches Ellie and Dina had walked over to Ellie’s hut - and now Dina was looking angrily at Ellie. “Do you? Do you actually mean that or are you just repeating those words because you think that’s what I want to hear and you don’t know what else to say? You know what always frustrated me, too?” “No?” “That you don’t talk to me! It’s obvious that you’re hurting, that you’re miserable, but... you simply don’t let me help you - you never did!” “I just don’t think it’s helpful to repeat those hurtful memories again and I’m just trying to not only suppress but forget them, too.” “It’s not like you’ve been pretty successful with that and...” “No, I’m not gonna talk with Linda.” “I actually talked with her and it really helped me to get clarity with a few things.” “I’m glad to hear that.”

On the one hand Ellie still wanted to reconcile with Dina so at least they would become friends again, but on the other hand Ellie started to feel annoyed and she really didn’t want to discuss that delicate topic any further. “Listen - I get what you’re saying, but it’s not my way of coping to talk about things. I tried to explain to you why I left you, why I let you and JJ down and I can only apologise for the harm I’ve done to you.” “Then show that you’re serious - it’s easy to just say sorry but very much more difficult to actually prove through your actions that you’re sorry!” “I’m gonna try, promise.” “You’ve got no reason for being rude against me, Ellie!” “I know and I’m sorry, it’s just...” 

Ellie sighed while she looked into every other direction except Dina’s reproachful eyes. “As I said before and very much to my annoyance I had to have one final last confrontation with Abby to realise how much off the track I’ve got, that I was about to lose myself and had to find a way to find back to myself, again. I’m sorry for the harm I did and I’m trying to make amends for it - but not by talking and reliving those fucking things I had to experience and I’ve done to my enemies. If you accidentally swallowed poisonous, especially acidic stuff you shouldn’t vomit it out and completely ruin your already damaged gullet but take some anti-poison stuff, drink a lot of water and just... ignore it and let it go away.” “That’s a ridiculous comparison!” “I’m sure you get my point!” “I get what you’re trying to say, but it’s ridiculous nonetheless! Do you know how you actually can start making amends, at least for me? Prove me that you’re serious about being sorry and not only telling me empty words?” “Eh... oh no no no, please don’t...” “Oh yes, El - exactly that!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More talking (perhaps I should have called this story ‘Talking’ instead of ‘Decisions’?) and some eating.

“I’m surprised to see you here, Ellie. I’m glad about it - don’t get me wrong - but after our last conversation I wouldn’t have expected you visiting me again.” “Let’s just say that someone talked me into it.” “I’m happy to hear that you listened to at least someone - and don’t worry you don’t have to tell me who...” “Dina.” “Okay...” “Apparently you managed to give therapy to her so well that she insisted I’d try another session with you.” “I’m glad to hear that, Ellie.” “Mhm...” “So what would you like to talk about?” “Don’t know, you’re the shrink - tell me.” 

If Linda felt angry or annoyed by Ellies insult she didn’t show it but continued smiling with her professional shrink-smile as Ellie liked to describe it. “Usually there’s always a topic one wants to talk about...” “Actually I don’t want to talk with you about anything - I’m only sitting here because I promised Dina to talk with you for a second time.” “Dina is very important to you, isn’t she?” “Yes, of course - she’s my best friend. Well - was my best friend, even more... can’t say what we’re now.” “What would you like to have with her, again?” “How things were before I left her and JJ - but I ruined this by prioritising killing Abby over the family we had.” “Why do you think that you ruined your chance to have a family with Dina and JJ?” “I let them down and Dina has every reason to not trust me anymore.” “Do you think that regaining her trust is possible?” “Talking with you is part of that.” “As I said before, Ellie - our conversations are only going to help you if you’re taking it open and seriously.” “‘Kay.” 

Linda lived and worked in a big house in the north of Jackson - and it was exactly that kind of house Ellie would expect a psychologist to have. The house was painted in light blue colours and had a big natural garden with a lot of more or less discreet places to stay and have conversations. The house had three stories from which Linda used the upper two as her private space while her psychotherapeutic practice was located at the ground-floor. 

The facilities of the practice were decorated in bright, cheerful colours and with various pictures of happy looking people and animals, picturesque landscape, more or less uplifting sayings and sometimes just happy smileys were painted on the walls. 

The decoration of the room in which Ellie was sitting with Linda was so obviously supposed to lift the mood that Ellie started to feel immediately annoyed by it. The only good thing Ellie could say about the room was that unlike the other room, in which she had her first meeting with Linda, this room didn’t have any scented candles which not only had made Ellie feel light-headed and nauseous, but numbed her olfactory sense for almost a week, too. 

“So let me summarise what you just told me, please to make sure that I understood everything correctly. The reason why your relationship with Dina ended and the little family you had together broke up is your decision to travel down to Santa Barbara in California because you wanted to avenge Joel by killing his killer.” “That’s correct.” “How do you feel now?” “Fine. I don’t have any desire anymore to kill Abby if that’s what you want to know.” “Just to avoid any misunderstandings - did you kill Abby or not?” “I let her go.” “So you did not kill Abby?” “Correct.”

If Linda was surprised she didn’t show it but continued watching Ellie with her analysing shrink-look that Ellie didn’t like at all. “Would you like to tell me about what happened there?” “I had her, I could’ve killed her but I decided to let her go.” “Why?” “Don’t know - I think I realised that I was about to lose myself and had to do something against it.” “I’m very glad to hear that, Ellie.” “I know ‘cause you were one of those people who told me to let it go.” “I’m not telling you something along the lines of ‘I told you so’ because coming to that realisation by yourself is an important step of moving on. How do you feel now, Ellie?” “Fine.” “If for some reason...” “Most likely I’d kill her again, it’s not like I forgave her for... her deeds but no longer I feel that... burning desire to go for a hunt after Abby.” “I’m really happy to hear that, Ellie because it shows that you’re finally on your way to move on. It’s completely natural to feel something like anger or vengeance for the killer of a person who had been very close to you. Again I have to ask you how you are feeling now, Ellie. I’m not accepting ‘fine’ as an answer because it’s too vague, you’re clearly evading my question and you still don’t seem to be fine.” “I’m... okay.” “Do you still have nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks...” “It’s got better. Actually I’m mostly angry about myself because I didn’t try to reconcile with Joel, sooner. For almost two years I treated him like shit and... even though he absolutely shouldn’t have lied to me he had understandable reasons for what he did so... I should’ve tried to reconcile with him, sooner.”

Slowly Linda nodded. “You mentioned Joel lied to you...” “That’s none of your business.” “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, yet, Ellie.” “It’s something we’re never gonna talk about so no reason to keep asking me ‘bout it.” “Why do you say...” “It’s a secret. A secret between me and Joel and I already gave therapy to myself because of it, so as I said before - no reason to talk about it.”

Ellie crossed her arms and didn’t even try to hide her annoyance. “As you can see I’m perfectly fine so could you do me the favor, please and mention to Dina that I’m good, we talked happily and there’s no reason why I’d visit you more often?” “No. I noticed that you became very much more emotionally involved when you talked about the secret between you and Joel compared to talking about Abby...” “As I said before - it’s none of your fucking business.” “It’s okay, if you don’t want to talk about it we don’t have to.” “Thank you. Now if you could...” “What are your plans for your future, Ellie? What is it that you truly desire?”

For a moment Linda seemed almost amused after asking the question before she showed her professional shrink-gaze, again. “My plans for the future? Doing patrols and trying to make amends for the harm I’ve done to the people I care for. Fixing bridges I burned as Maria described it so fitting and... don’t know, try living a life. As you can see I’ve got things straightened out with myself so no need for any kind of psychotherapy.” “What would you do if you’ve the chance to do whatever you want, if there wouldn’t be any limits and you could fulfill your dreams as unrealistic they may seem?” “Becoming an astronaut.” And help with finding a cure against Cordyceps, but that wasn’t something Ellie would say to Linda. 

But apparently Linda was good enough with her job to notice that Ellie was hiding something and because being immune against Cordyceps wasn’t something anybody would think of, it was most likely that Linda thought Ellie was trying to hide some other mental issues - so when Linda didn’t seem to be satisfied of her answer Ellie wasn’t very surprised. “I’d like to give you some kind of homework, Ellie.” “Please don’t...” “I’d like you to think about what you want - and don’t try to restrain yourself to what’s realistic and what’s impossible. You’d be surprised how much is still possible to achieve and it’ll make you feel better if you know what you truly want and are trying to follow your wishes.” 

“So... how was it? Talking with Linda, I mean?” “Very annoyingly Linda quickly noticed that I was hiding something from her.” “Your... immunity?” “Yep - and that’s not something I’m gonna discuss with her. I’ve to keep it a secret and as Joel liked to say usually the people who become a shrink are doing it so they can therapy themselves - meaning Linda is the last person with whom I’m gonna discuss something like this.” Dina snorted and rolled her eyes while looking at Ellie. “That sounds exactly like something Joel would say!” “Wouldn’t you agree?” “At least to me Linda seems like a sane and nice person. Are you... going to visit her, again?” “If you want it, I’m gonna do it again, but... it wasn’t particularly helpful and as you can imagine it got annoying very quickly to avoid her questions about what I was hiding from her.” “Yeah and to be honest I didn’t think of... your secret becoming a problem...”

Ellie and Dina had met at one of the snack bars in the center of Jackson and were now slowly walking through Jackson while talking quietly. After she took another bite of her burger Dina sighed and with a thoughtful expression she looked at Ellie, again. “You know Linda mostly helped me with thinking about what I want and what’s best for me. Thanks to her I realised that I don’t have to be out there and prove someone how capable I am with killing Infected, but that being for family and friends is more important to me - and how much I like to tinker with things. You know that I always loved fiddling with stuff and there’s always something to fix in Jackson.” “Yeah...” “You know that you don’t have to go out on patrols, again only because you feel guilty and think you’ve to make amends to Maria for running away.” “It’s something I’m good at and if I can’t help someone with my... secret at least I’d do missions that are less dangerous to me than others because I don’t have to worry about getting infected.” “Well I can’t deny that, it’s just...”

Again Dina sighed. “I only asked you to speak with Linda because I think you should talk with someone about the stuff you’re dealing with - and if you don’t want to talk with me or someone else, at least do it with a professional. You still can come to me, you know? I still care for you and at least I’m in the loop, too but you’ve to stop blocking me, first.” “Mhm...” “I know you ain’t a talker and it’s not something that's gonna be easy - but you know it, too that suppressing and ignoring it didn’t help you either.” “Mhm... so how was your day so far?” “Good - rewiring a house in the west part of Jackson turned out to be less tedious as we’d expected it before and we’re almost done there. I’m already looking forward to our next project - rewiring and upgrading the electricity grid of the research facilities. You know, the big building that used to be some kind of shopping mall in the south of Jackson - they’re doing some really exciting stuff there and I heard they’re making very good progress with creating some kind of biofuel.” “Weren’t they supposed to be done with that last year or something?” “Yeah, but apparently they got in some trouble and only had some kind of breakthrough recently - I don’t know any details about it, I just heard it from Warren who works there.” “Mhm... well maybe they actually found something this time and we’re gonna have some kind of fuel to use for cars, machines and other stuff with engines. It’s becoming harder and harder to find still usable old fuel from before the Outbreak and it’d be nice of being able to use cars and trucks more often for carrying really big and heavy stuff.” “Yeah... and it’s a shame that there aren’t any scientists working who have the knowledge to do research on a cure against Cordyceps...” “Yeah...” “I read your farewell letter, by the way.” 

Ellie almost choked on the bite she just took of her burger and looked surprised and irritated at Dina. “Farewell letter?” “Don’t you remember? The short letter you wrote me, combined with a CD because originally you just wanted to sneak away without telling me in person!” “Oh, yeah...” “That’s something I’m angry about, too! How could you even think of just sneaking away without telling me in person about your plans?” “I knew that either you’d try to stop me or accompany me and I didn’t want any of that. Besides I knew that chances were pretty high that I wouldn’t return, so... I thought of it as some kind of final goodbye because... well, Joel did something similar, too...”

“I know that it’s not easy being here, again and I don’t like it either. It’s just... I’ve to show you something, something you should see... hear...” “Do we have to do this with Joel’s testament, now? He’s dead for not even three days - not even buried, yet - and we’re not in a hurry dealing with his... inheritance in case he even had some.” “Don’t worry, we’re dealing with that, later - it’s something different I wanna show you.”

Just entering Joel’s house had Ellie given a feeling as if someone would clench her heart with an ice cold hand and now standing in his bedroom, that still looks as if Joel had to leave to an early patrol and would return any moment, was even harder for Ellie. “Just... show me what you wanted to show me so we can get over this.” “Of course.”

Tommy walks into the clothes closet to get Joel’s old backpack he’d used during his and Ellies trip across the country and just looking at it lets Ellie tear up even more than before. “Joel asked me to show you... his last message, if you’d call it like that, in case something happens to him.” “Joel wrote a suicide note or something?” “No, it’s nothing like that, it’s just because for quite some time both of you weren’t even talking anymore...” “Thanks for reminding me so I feel even worse.” “That’s not my intention and I’m sorry for that and... actually maybe this is gonna help you with your guilty feelings because you didn’t try to reconcile with Joel, sooner.” 

Tommy places the backpack on Joel's bed and after a moment of hesitation he lays his hand on Ellie’s shoulder while avoiding her gaze. “Just... look at it, listen to it... you don’t have to like it, it’s just... I’m gonna wait downstairs. You’re right - let’s get over with this ‘cause I rather not stay here any longer than necessary, at least so soon after Joel’s death.”

After Tommy had left the room, now feeling almost curious, Ellie opens Joel’s old backpack and finds in it nothing but a small envelope that isn’t even sealed and a simple unlabelled CD cover that contains a blank CD. 

Ellie decides to open the envelope first and finds a folded piece of paper in it. After unfolding it she starts to read the few lines which are written in Joel’s angular handwriting. 

Dear Ellie, there’s only one reason why you’re reading this - and I only can hope that it was quick and I didn’t cause too much trouble. I know that you’re angry with me and I’m not blaming you for that. I shouldn’t have lied to you and for that I’m sorry - but I’m not regretting saving your life. When I was looking around for something you’d like as a birthday present I found some music by a band that had been pretty popular before the Outbreak. I always considered their music as mainstream and therefore didn’t like it, but they had some nice and catchy songs you’d most likely like - and there’s one specifically I’d like you to listen to. I used Tommys computer to copy the song onto one CD - if you want the rest of the music just ask Tommy for it, he’d have the CD’s, we found in a music store, in storage. Maybe you’re going to understand what I’m trying to tell you by listening to the song - I really tried finding one that’s not too much ‘old man music’ as you like to call my favorite music and is more of your musical taste. Joel

When Ellie reads the letter she could hear Joel’s voice in her head saying those words - something that lets her tear up even more - and quickly she places the CD in an old CD-player Joel has in his bedroom. After a short moment of loading, eventually soft music is coming out of the loudspeakers and Ellie quickly turns up the volume. 

_I dreamed I was missing... you were so scared... but no one would listen... ‘cause no one else cared..._ Ellie knows that song - along with other songs of the band she had listened to it a few times but never thought any further about it. _So if you’re asking me I want you to know... when my time comes forget the wrong of what I’ve done help me leave behind some reasons to be missed... and don’t resent me and when you’re feeling empty keep me in my memory... leave out all the rest... leave out all the rest..._

It isn’t very hard for Ellie to figure out what Joel was asking from her and in some awkward conversations he tried telling her that in person, too - before, when he had been still alive. But now with the knowledge of his death, paired with the sad song and again realising how much time she lost because of not reconciling with him sooner, Ellie finds herself tearing up, again - and when the refrain is sung again Ellie couldn’t stop herself from crying while suddenly feeling even more anger and hatred against that She-Hulk of a woman who had beaten Joel to death with a golf club. 

“Ellie? Are you even listening to me?” “Sorry, I was... lost in thought. Thought about Joel...” Ellie shrugged when she noticed Dina looking at her questioningly but worriedly, too. “I’m fine, it’s just... I listened to that song after he died and I thought it quite fitting for you, too.” “That song sounds like the musical interpretation of a suicide letter, not to mention your dark letter in which you basically told me to stop worrying about you and to move on, living my own life, instead! As if you weren’t believing for yourself of a return - were you planning to do something... terrible...” “In case you’re wondering - no, I wasn’t thinking about that. At least not... no, I hadn’t any kind of thoughts like that, no reason to be worried, don’t... eh worry.” “Even though you find it useless I think you’d continue visiting Linda, Ellie!” “If I make you happy by doing so I’m gonna visit her again, promise.” “Promise me that you’re taking it seriously!” “I promise...”

Ellie wouldn’t describe herself as reticent or gruff because she actually liked speaking with other people. Ellie could talk for hours about stuff she was interested in and how to improve her methods of dealing with the dangers outside the city walls of Jackson. Ellie was interested in other people's beliefs and interests and sometimes even enjoyed some juicy gossip about people she knew and cared for. What Ellie didn’t like to talk about at all was the bad stuff that had happened in her life and the things she had to do and what was haunting her now. No one seemed to respect Ellie’s wish to overcome bad memories by just ignoring and suppressing them and after a long day full with unpleasant conversations - first with Linda, then with Dina and even Maria insisted to talk about feelings - Ellie was in a very bad mood and hoped for a peaceful and silent watch at the north side of the city walls. 

“What are you doing here?” “Maria asked me to join the guards for getting back into the flow of Jackson before joining the patrols, again.” “And she decided to assign you to that part of the wall I’m watching during my shift tonight?” “Yep.” “Awesome!” 

Ellie didn’t know if it’d been intentional of Maria to pair Ellie up with her ex-girlfriend Cat or not, but what Ellie already could tell was that it was about to become a very long night shift. “Why are you even here already? I mean you arrived yesterday and still look pretty tired and beaten up...” “Originally Steve was supposed to be on watch with you, but apparently he got sick or something - Maria asked me to stand in for him.” “Are you even able to be on watch already? You look...” “Yes I know that I’m looking like shit, thank you - and you’re the right person to tell! What happened to your head?” “I... fell.” “Are you sure that being a guard on the high city wall is the right job for you, then?” “Haha, very funny - I... fell when I was out on patrol. Happened a couple months ago - and I’m still not fully recovered, yet. Underestimated how ramshackle a building had been and only survived because help arrived quickly.” “I’m sorry to hear that - I mean your accident, not that help arrived quickly enough to save you.” “If that was supposed to be funny - it’s not.” “Yeah... with whom you were out on patrol?” “Rachel, the hot daughter of Jacksons law expert - you know the snob who used to be a district attorney in a Military Quarantine Zone.” “Yeah, I met him first after criticising the patrol rules when they called me too young for going out on patrols.” “Yeah, that was hilarious how you shouted at him in front of the town hall... well I feel sorry for him, now - and very guilty, too. After I... had my accident Rachel called for backup - and then disappeared. She basically vanished and they found her dead some time later...” “Damn...” “You know Rachels girlfriend Chloe?” “The hot girl with the blue hair and the big tattoo, which she got from you, on her right arm?” “Yeah, very soon after Rachel’s disappearance Chloe left for some kind of search mission, only accompanied by Max, her best friend or something - never quite fully understood their relationship. They found the remains of Rachel not too far away from Jackson on some kind of old junkyard altogether with a group of bandits led by a very sick leader who not only robbed and eventually killed but did other stuff with his victims, too - stuff I don’t even want to think about.” “Damn...” 

Cat sighed while she crossed her arms. “Almost miraculously Chloe and Max managed to escape the bandits and somehow made their way back to Jackson where they told Maria about what they found. Maria sent out a few of the most experienced fighters who took care of those bandits... actually I don’t know much about it ‘cause it was during the time when I was still in the clinic. Understandably Chloe and Max are still pretty shaken up and as far as I heard it’s one of the reasons why the research for some kind of biofuel came to a halt, again. Apparently it had been Chloe who had all the ideas for biofuel and she’s having trouble continuing her work...” “Dina mentioned she heard about a recent breakthrough?” “I don’t know anything about it - but it’s not like I’ve much contact with Chloe and her friends anymore. They’re blaming me for Rachel's death, they’re not saying it to me but I know it - the looks, how they’re avoiding me...” “That sounds familiar to me...” “No surprise considering how many lives you fucked up!” 

Ellie decided to ignore the aggressive remark and after a moment of silence Cat let out a heavy sigh before she continued speaking. “Great, just what I wanted to see - Ransom is doing a Tyrion over there. Ey Idiot - there’s a bucket next to you!” “I leave the bucket to ya gals!” “And that idiot isn’t even trying to hide himself...” “A dick - literally!” Ellie mumbled and Cat nodded angrily. “Yeah - and Maria forbad just peeing from the wall instead of using bucks, recently because it started to smell worse and worse here, but... what are rules for if not to break them?” “You gotta be honest - if it wouldn’t be a bit... difficult for us because of the high railing we’d do it either. There are only few things grosser than those metal buckets and it’s not like you misused those lower watchholes inside the railing a couple of times, too.” “We wouldn’t have that problem if they managed to install properly working public restrooms close to the city walls which could be used by the guards. Instead we’d have to use some improvised stinking hellholes, those buckets or improvise otherwise, usually combined with downsides, too. For example bringing an own... vessel may be less disgusting during a shift, but you’ve to keep that thing somewhere when you’re not on duty.” “Yeah...” “Let’s talk about something else, please - I rather not think about it because I drank quite a lot of that caffeine stuff they’re making in the lab and that’s supposed to help you with staying awake.” “I don’t have a problem with not talking at all...” “You guessed that I was about to ask you about your little trip to California, didn’t you?” “Yeah - and there’s nothing to talk about since it’s none of your fucking business!” “I’m still surprised Maria gave you another chance...” “I’m trying to make amends by helping Jackson...” “From which comic did you copy that line?” “I’m serious!” “Sure you are.”

In the following awkward silence Ellie decided to use the opportunity to give her ex-girlfriend a closer look, hopefully without attracting her attention. Very quickly Ellie noticed, again how much skinnier Cat looked compared to the last time she had seen her and sometimes Cat’s movements seemed strangely stiff, as if doing them caused her pain. Even though the new big scar on her forehead wasn’t very pleasant to look at Cat was still very pretty and it actually surprised Ellie to see that Cat didn’t try to cover that scar with one of those short, manga style hairstyles she loved to wear, but wore her hair longer and more open with a few thin braids. In fact Ellie felt reminded of those Elven hairstyles and if Cat would wear her hair a bit longer, she would have pointy ears and would wear fitting clothes, Ellie was sure that someone could mistake Cat for an Elve that just had fought in a big battle against a dark foe. 

At least the sweater was something Ellie often saw Cat wearing - a black baggy pullover with a big pink Hello Kitty motive. Ellie even recognised the old blue jeans Cat was wearing - after all she had ‘helped’ Cat often enough getting out of it, especially since the zip fly had the annoying tendency for getting stuck and hindering both Cat and Ellie from doing certain shared activities. 

“Wow - you’re not even trying to hide undressing me with your eyes!” Cat suddenly said and Ellie couldn’t help but flinch in surprise. “Sorry, I... eh... noticed your trousers.” “Bet you did.” “I thought they’ve got too tight for you?” “As you surely noticed I lost a lot of weight so this jeans fits me, again - it’s one of my favorite ones, really comfortable... you know, just as a good fitting piece of cloth is supposed to be.” “Yeah...” “I darned some of the holes, let someone fix that stupid zip fly and now the jeans’s almost as new.” “Sounds... good...” “Now if you’d please look out there for potential threats as you’re supposed to do instead of undressing me with your eyes - I’d like some privacy ‘cause apparently the only effect those energy drinks have on me is that I have to make lots of water.” “So are you using the bucket or...” “I brought my own vase.” “Since you mentioned it for yourself...” “I’m keeping the vase properly cleaned in my garden shed, of course.” “Mhm...”

The shift turned out to be as long and tiresome as Ellie had expected it before and the only good thing she could say about it was that while Cat always continued being very passive-aggressive, she didn’t try to pester Ellie any longer about her trip to California or wanted to have a conversation, at all. Even though it was a very awkward silence Ellie preferred it over having some even more awkward and most likely unpleasant conversations.

At least the night shift itself was uneventful and when it was finally over Ellie didn’t waste any time but walked back straight to her hut and didn’t even bother with undressing before collapsing into her bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quoted lyrics are from the song ‘Leave Out All the Rest’ by Linkin Park and I thought it fitting for the message first Joel and then Ellie were trying to tell. 
> 
> Some of you probably noticed that for Linda I took strong inspiration from a (fictional) character of a quite popular TV series because I simply couldn’t resist including my current favourite TV-psychotherapist. 
> 
> And yes, with Rachel and her friends I brutally forced another reference into the story some of you are going to recognise immediately. When I thought about which names I should mention in the conversation between Ellie and Cat I found it quite funny to use those names as a placeholder while writing the chapter - and eventually I decided to keep them instead of changing them into completely random (and more boring, unpersonal) names.


	5. Chapter 5

It is a cold, dark and very rainy night in Gotham City and there are many other places Ellie would rather be instead of sitting on top of the roof of a high multistorey building with basically none protection against the bad weather. But the criminals never rested - and just when she thinks of him Alfred calls her, again. “There’s a robbery, just a few blocks east of your position - a few bandits are trying to rob a jewellery shop.” “How many?” “Five - and they’re armed with the usual weapons. Knives, pistols, their leader has a golf club...” “I’m on my way.”

The recent modifications had greatly improved the gliding capabilities of Ellie’s suit so it isn’t much of a challenge for her to glide to the location Alfred had described - and she uses her landing to instantly knock out the first of the five thugs before immediately punching the next one who stands close to her and apparently is too surprised to attack her. 

Thanks to the element of surprise it is a brutal but short fight - and just when Ellie has knocked out the last one with a very well placed punch, she hears slow clapping behind her, followed by a silent laugh. “You’re so hot when you’re fighting like that, you know? Efficiently, but nonetheless with style. Brutal without being overly violent - you only took longer turning up here than I expected.” “What do you want, Catwoman? I won’t allow you to steal even one piece of that jewellery - and you know that police are already on their way and will turn up here any moment.” “I’d like to show you something, Batwoman - and I’m sure you’re gonna like it.” “I’m on duty now and have to be ready when the Joker strikes again - I don’t have the time to follow you to your little cave and help you with feeding the way too many cats you’re keeping there.” “Oh, so grumpy... if only there’d be something to cheer you up...” 

Even though Catwoman is a criminal and Ellie is supposed to catch and turn her in, Ellie always has a weak spot for her and couldn’t refuse her anything. So it doesn’t surprise Ellie finding herself in the little hideout Selina was currently using a while later - and very much to her surprise she actually has something useful for Ellie. “Is that...” “Yes, these are the keys to Arkham Asylum which Harley Quinn stole last week.” “How did you get them?” “Let’s just say that Harley used the wrong place to hide from you and the police after stealing the keys...” “You did something good, Selina - it would’ve been catastrophic if the Joker could have freed the inmates.” 

But when Ellie wants to take the keys Selina quickly grabs them - and has a very sly smile on her lips while she looks at Ellie. “I’m not giving you the keys for free, El.” “I’m gonna send you a delivery with cat food as soon I’m back in Wayne Manor - with the keys.” “Oh, that’s too nice of you, but I’d like some different food, tonight - and I hope you didn’t have dinner, either!”

It takes Selina less effort to convince her as Ellie would’ve liked it, but it could have been worse what Selina wants to get in return for giving Ellie the keys - and it isn’t like that Ellie doesn’t enjoy it, either. 

It doesn’t take them long to undress - Ellie only has to open a few buttons to get out of her Batsuit while it is always a sight to see watching Selina getting out of her Catsuit, especially since she isn’t wearing any underwear under her very figure-accentuating suit. Before Ellie knows it they are lying on a surprisingly clean mattress in a corner of the room - Ellie on her back kissing and licking Selina between the legs while she kneels over Ellie and does the same with her. “Oh, you’re getting better and better - it’s almost as if you’ve been practicing, mhm?” Ellie, who not only currently has her mouth full but feels that she is about to come, doesn’t manage to do more than a groan as an answer. “Oh yeah, El - that’s exactly the spot... ngh... and how is it that you’re still asleep? C’mon, get up, it’s already past ten!” “What?” “I asked you to drag your sleepy ass out of the bed and let me in!”

With a groan Ellie jumped awake and for a long moment she looked disoriented around before recognising the small hut she was living in - and heard someone banging against the door, again. “Ellie? I actually tried to be nice and did two other jobs before turning up here so you could sleep a little longer...” Ellie heard Dina saying in a very amused tone. “Yeah, I’m comin’, just gimme a moment...” “Sure, just take your time - it’s not like I’ve other jobs to do or something!”

The dream with Catwoman was still very present in Ellie’s mind, she was wet and her lower abdomen didn’t think of stopping pulsating in excitement while Ellie hurriedly put on some trousers and quickly brushed her hair so she wouldn’t look like a complete mess when facing Dina. 

When Ellie finally opened the door a few moments later she hoped that she didn’t look that horny as she felt. “Sorry, I... forgot that one of the electricians was supposed to stop by this morning.” “Everyone knows how often you oversleep and I’m glad that... wait - did you masturbate?” 

In the meanwhile Dina had entered the room and with a big grin on her face she looked at Ellie who felt her cheeks burning even hotter than before. “No, I... just did my personal work-out, eh...” “Sure you did, El - I know how you look when you’re horny! And look at your nipples, I could hang my coat on them, as hard as they are!” 

Suddenly Ellie remembered that she was wearing only a T-shirt and quickly she crossed her arms in front of her chest while avoiding looking at Dina. “I wasn’t masturbating - I...” “You had a wet dream? With whom?” “Eh... okay fine, I was dreaming of an... adventure with Catwoman in Gotham City.” “Emphasis on adventure, huh?” “As if you wouldn’t dream often enough of those cheesy boy bands and girl groups you love for some reasons I never could understand!” “Fair point - and don’t worry, I’m not gonna keep you from continuing your adventure with Catwoman longer than necessary. You asked for a new lightbulb I was told?” “Yes - and I could’ve changed it all by myself because it’s only a freakin’ lightbulb, but that guy in the main branch of the electricians insisted on sending someone by instead of just giving me a new lightbulb!” “You’d surprised to hear how many people are too stupid to even change a simple lightbulb - starting with turning the lightbulb into the right direction! But on a serious note - after too many preventable accidents it’s just precaution to let something like this handled by someone trained. You’ve to consider that most of the various electronic devices are at least twenty years old by now, so you’ve to be always prepared for something that goes haywire unexpectedly.” “Mhm...” “So... which lightbulb is broken?” “The bulb of the desk lamp.” “Okay.” 

Dina was visibly mighty amused while changing the lightbulb while Ellie didn’t want anything more than just curling up and dying because of embarrassment. “You’re so adorable when you’re flustered, you know that?” “Just... do your job, please.” “Well - I’m already done and as you can see the lamp is working, again.” “Really something you need an university degree in electricity for. Now, if there isn’t anything else...” “Maria asked me to tell you that she wants to talk with you - she’s expecting you around twelve o’clock in her office.” “Why?” “As if she’d tell me - I’m only a common electrician and not her step-niece, or what kind of relationship you two have.” “I can assure you that we ain’t that close anymore...” “Then I’d advise you to not take too much time for finishing your adventure with Catgirl so you won’t be late to your meeting with Maria!” “Ugh - just leave before I try to strangle you.” “As if you’d currently be able to grab me anywhere higher than my chest!” “You’re the worst!” 

After a quick and very cold shower to cool down herself and a hurried meal Ellie was only a few minutes late when she arrived at the townhall and ran up the stairs to the office of Maria. “Ah, there you’re, Ellie - you’re earlier than I’d have expected!” “I thought you wanted to meet me at eleven sharp?” “With you I’m always adding at least fifteen minutes - but enough of that joking, please sit down, we’ve a lot to discuss!” 

Maria gestured to Ellie to sit in front of her desk. “So... how are you, Ellie?” “I’m fine.” “It was a positive surprise when I heard that you visited Linda for a second time and it didn’t end in a disaster, again?” “I promised Dina to try it again.” “I’m glad to hear that! How is watch duty going for you - you’re doing it for a little more than a week now, I think? Everything alright there?” “Yeah.” “Any trouble...” “Everything’s fine.” “Talkative as usual, I see. Well - at least I only heard positive things about you. People are impressed with your shooting abilities, especially hitting targets over a great distance and of course your good hearing.” “It’s not that difficult to notice a Runner, Stalker or Clicker hiding in the bushes if you know what you’ve to listen for.” “Joel teached you really well - sadly most people are too impatient or simply have too bad hearing after too many gunfights without ear protection to listen that closely to the surroundings.”

Maria raised her eyebrows while she leaned forward. “The reason I asked you to visit me is because I’d like to talk to you about doing patrols and forays, again. You’re going to accompany a few groups and do paired patrols with experienced people so you’re up to date with the routes, again - I don’t think there’s much to teach you anymore in how to do patrols and you’ve only got to know the new routes.” Ellie, who had been afraid that she did something wrong, felt not only relieved but almost excited, too and found herself even smiling while she looked expectantly at Maria. “That's great to hear - when I’m gonna start?” “Tomorrow morning, you’re expected at the main gate at the usual time when patrols are starting.” “‘Kay.” “Take the usual equipment for patrols with you. You won’t need a heavy weaponry as if you’d try to clear a shopping mall or something similarly dangerous, but you shouldn’t be too less equipped, either in case you’re running into some trouble.” “Yeah, I’ll take the usual pistol and rifle with me.” “Good and since you’re already experienced with patrols I don’t think that I'll have to explain to you much more about your mission tomorrow. I know it’s going to be early, but just try to be punctual for once.” “Always...”

Ellie knew that she had the tendency for oversleeping and even found it funny for herself to arrive somewhere at the very last minute. But this time she didn’t want to risk anything regarding her first patrol because after only a week doing watch duty Ellie not only felt incredibly bored but impatient, too - not to mention that by just sitting around her mind always wandered into parts of her memory she rather not wanted to think about. 

Not only the two loud ringing alarm-clocks Ellie had set, but the quick cold shower, too helped her get at least somewhat awake even though it was way too early for Ellie’s liking. Not for the first time Ellie cursed Maria and the other people who were responsible for scheduling the patrols and always chose so sleep-unfriendly times. 

“Ah Ellie, there you are - come over here, please - it’s good to see you!” When Ellie arrived at the main gate she was greeted by a tall muscular guy with short blond hair and a bow in his hand. “Hello Oliver, it’s good to see you, too - you’re gonna go out in a more traditional way, today?” “Yeah, I’m currently experimenting with various bow types and this prototype is really promising - I’d like to test it under real circumstances now. Don’t worry, I’m still gonna carry a gun with me, but Adam asked me to look for ways that more of us can fight with bows or at least a crossbow.” “Munition problems, again?” “Yeah because there are more and more of those big bastards that take a full magazine before finally going down and we don’t want to waste too much ammunation on the weaker ones - you know, the Runners, Stragglers and to a certain extent the Clickers, too.” “Or you’d try sneaking upon them.” “Often enough you’re unlucky and they notice you and then it's running or fighting. It’s actually ridiculous - for ages humanity had fought with bows and they were pretty effective weapons and these days most people don’t even know how to properly draw a bow.” “Well, I like the bow for hunting, especially rabbits...” “That’s what I want to do today in case we won’t get into any trouble. Yesterday my sister Thea saw a few deers and rabbits when she’d been out on patrol and maybe I’m gonna find them again.” “Just do me a favor and don’t sell your meat to Seth - I’d like some of that meat from the hunt, too as a variation to the common beef and pork and I’d rather not eat something made by that bigot.” 

With an amused smile Oliver looked at Ellie. “Don’t worry - Seth and I aren’t the closest friends anymore, either - he’s still not over the incident when he caught me eating his daughter and some time later beating the crap outta him when I probably had drunk a little too much.” “Really? When did that happen and why wasn’t I there?” “When you’ve been away, doing some personal business we only knew rumors about. Seth insisted on calling me Robin Hood and at some point I got tired of it.” “That’s awesome to hear - that dickhead deserves at least one punch a day in his face!” “Couldn’t agree more!” “So you and Seth’s daughter...” “Oh it was just a one time thing - she just broke up with someone else and was looking for someone to... cheer her up and of course I was more than willing to... lighten up her mood.” “Bet you did!” “You’re with me on patrol, by the way, together with someone else who'd be here any minute.” “‘Kay.” “I’m supposed to show both of you the new patrol routes and generally show you around, but gonna watch your performance, too to make sure that both of you are ready for patrols, indeed and if not where your weaknesses are.” “‘Kay.” “Ah there you are - Cat, if you’d come over here, please?” “Wait, what? Cat is accompanying us?” 

As it turned out Cat had been cleared for patrols, too and Oliver was supposed to show her around, too. “Awesome - just as I imagined my first patrol after that long recovery!” “Really?” “Of course not, Oliver - ever heard of sarcasm before?” “Ey, there’s no reason to be that aggressive against me, Cat!” “What’s with the bow?” “I want to do some tests with the bow because Adam asked me to craft a model that’s usable for more than just a few specially trained fighters.” “Ah...” “Now let’s get our horses - no reason to just stand around and waste anymore time!” 

Because Ellie didn’t have an own horse since Shimmer she got rented one of the horses that didn’t belong to anyone specifically, but were used by people who didn’t have their own horse and needed one. “She’s a nice girl, sometimes a bit fiery if something is annoying her, but overall relatively calm.” The stable boy said while he led Ellie to a brown horse. “She looks good - what’s her name?” “Roach.” “Really?” “Yeah, it was Geralt’s turn to name her - and you know it, too how weird he’s with names sometimes.” “Roach - it’s so dumb that I like it.” “Well that’s easy ‘cause you don’t have to call her all day by that name! Do you know how to saddle and bridle the horse?” “Yeah, I’ve done it often enough...” “Good, stuff is in the chamber over there to the left - just tell me when you’re leaving the stables so I can make the entry in the logbooks.” “‘Kay.” 

As Ellie had expected it the patrol turned out to be very awkward - at least for her. Cat showed a stony but otherwise neutral facial expression while Oliver was either looking around for potential dangers, explaining the way or fiddling with his bow. At least the patrol itself was uneventful and Oliver even managed to shoot two rabbits with his bow. 

“Yeah, the construction is a good balance between the strength you need for drawing it and the performance...” “How can you rate this after shooting only two rabbits?” “I've been using bows since quite some time, young lady and...” “Young lady? You’re only a couple years older than me!” Cat aggressively said and Oliver raised his arms defensely. “Sorry, I know that you’re in your twenties by now but in my defence - you’re wearing a Hello-Kitty sweater...” “What’s wrong with that?” “I mean... Thea wore something like that when she was a little girl but...” “You’re an idiot, you know that? Can’t believe Adam promoted you to Captain...” 

Even though it was mildly amusing listening to the small banter between Oliver and Cat, Ellie didn’t feel herself in the mood to enjoy it because to a certain extent it reminded her of the times when she and Joel were travelling together and teasing each other. 

Then all of a sudden Ellie heard it - a silent and still distant groan - but it was enough to immediately raise her gun and shush at Cat and Oliver. “There are Infected nearby.” “What? Where?” “To the right of us - sounded like a Runner.” “Damn - that area’s supposed to be clear and that’s where Thea saw the deers yesterday.” “Maybe the Infected were trying to hunt the deers...” 

It was as if someone had pulled a switch inside Ellie’s head because suddenly there was nothing in her head except the necessary things she had to think about when dealing with Infected. Almost automatically Ellie glided from her horse and started to sneak into the direction she heard the disgusting noises from before she remembered that this was a group patrol and because he was the leader it was Oliver's and not her responsibility to plan the strategy against the unknown number of Infected.

But Oliver didn’t seem bothered that Ellie already had turned things in her own hands and slided silently from his horse, too while gesturing to Cat to do the same. “We’re in an unsafe area here, so we’re gonna bind the horses only loosely to that tree over there, so they can escape if they’re being attacked by Infected.” He whispered and Ellie and Cat only nodded as an answer. 

A few moments later they were sneaking carefully to the direction from which they heard the typical disgusting sounds the Infected did - and with getting closer and closer it became easier to identify those sounds. “I think it’s at least one Clicker and a few Runners, maybe some Stragglers, too.” Oliver whispered and Cat nodded in agreement. “I think I heard something to my left - I reckon one of those creatures is eating something there. Strategy?” “You both crafted silencers on your guns? Good - we’d try to take out as much as possible before they notice us - and if they’re too many we’re retreating and getting reinforcements.” “‘Kay.” “So you gotta try out your fancy new bow after all.” Cat whispered and Oliver had a sly smile on his face while he looked at her. “Yeah - and I’m actually looking forward to it!” 

As it turned out a group of three Runners, one Straggler and two Clickers were roaming around the ruins of a house that was almost completely taken over by the growing forest. “I reckon that’s one of the deers your sister saw yesterday - over on the left, next to the garage where the two Runners are having lunch.” Ellie mumbled and Oliver nodded in agreement. “Yeah, a shame, must’ve been a magnificent deer - we can inspect it later. Ellie, can you take care of the Clicker over the left, behind the remains of the car?” “Shouldn’t be a problem.” “Good. Cat, I’d like you to take care of the Clicker to the right, next to that... metal thing I can’t identify right now.” “I think that this... thing used to be one of those warning signs FEDRA used for telling people where they should go and where... not.” Ellie said and Oliver shrugged. “Can’t tell if you’re right or wrong, but since you travelled around a lot and most likely saw those things before I’m sure you’re right. Cat, can you do it?” “No problemo...” “Good. I’m shooting the three guys in the middle with my bow and we’re letting the two Runners at the door charge at us - shouldn’t be a problem to shoot them.” “‘Kay.” “I’m gonna start shooting as soon you two killed the Clickers - try to gesture each other so you’re killing them simultaneously.” 

It wasn’t much of a challenge for Ellie to sneak next to the Clicker Oliver had assigned her - not too close so the Clicker wouldn’t notice her but close enough to attack and stab it with one charge. Nonetheless it wasn’t a place Ellie wanted to stay longer than necessary and when she glared impatiently over to Cat she noticed that her ex-girlfriend seemed to struggle with sneaking behind the Clicker. Not only Cat's movements looked very stiff, but it seemed to be very physically demanding for her to crouch around and try avoiding any noises - and then it happened what Ellie had feared. Apparently Cat had made some noise - probably stepped on or kicked against something - because with a loud screech the Clicker suddenly turned around and charged at Cat. Ellie didn’t know how or when she had pulled her gun but she found herself firing at the Clicker that charged at Cat, who in that short moment didn’t manage to do more than raising her blade in defence. 

Two hits - one in the disgusting fungus-head and one in the chest - were enough to make the Clicker stumble and luckily Cat managed to finish him with her dagger. Then Ellie remembered the Clicker next to her and while her gun got very silent with the silencer it was still loud enough that a Clicker this close to her would notice it. But when Ellie turned around, already in a position to evade an attack of the Clicker, she felt something rushing past her head, suddenly - and hit by an arrow into the shoulder, quickly followed by a second arrow into the chest the Clicker stumbled back with a terrible scream and seemed to lost the orientation - enough of an opportunity for Ellie to quickly charge at it and stab it to death with a few well placed hits with her knife. 

More reflexively than intentionally Ellie evaded the attack of one of the Runners who suddenly appeared next to her and managed to stab it into the chest. While she got some distance to the screeching creature another arrow rushed way too closely for Ellie’s liking past her head and hitted the Runner straight into the head. 

Then Ellie saw the two Runners, who’d been eating from the deer before, charging at her - and just as before more reflexively than intentionally Ellie had her gun in her hand, again and fired a couple of shots at both Runners. As she’d expected it the silencer broke very quickly and the loud sound of the fired shots was ringing in her ears, but she accepted it because they hadn’t any secrecy anymore and at least with this method both Infected fell before getting even close to Ellie. 

As Ellie noticed after a quick look around Cat and Oliver had taken care of the remaining Infected in the meantime - and because Cat was sitting on the ground and breathing heavily with a sudden feeling of worry Ellie rushed over to her and Oliver who kneeled next to Cat. 

“You alright, Cat?” “Yeah, I’m fine - didn’t get bitten or something, just... a bit out of breath. Sorry - I knew I fucked it up.” “Don’t worry about it, that could’ve happened to any of us - these fucking Clickers have way too good senses for my liking.” Oliver said but Cat angrily shook his head. “But it wouldn’t have heard me if I’d been completely fit!” 

Ellie noticed now that Cat seemed less tired or exhausted but mostly very frustrated and even sad. “It was more painful to crouch around than I thought and than I had this sudden fucking pain in my back that let me flinch...” “Did you get checked out by the doctors?” “Where do you think I’ve been the last couple of months - and it’s not like they’re the right doctors for my problems. One teached himself with some medical books, one is a vet, specialised for treating animals but not humans and the third one is good with medical emergencies but not with long-term treatment. Fuck! I gotta be a fucking guard for the rest of my fucking life, doomed to an eternity of watch duty!” “C’mon, Cat - you were doing just fine and did some really amazing shots at that Infected bastard that almost managed to surprise me!” “We gotta get outta here - if there are any Infected nearby there’s no way they didn’t hear me shooting when the silencer broke and we’re not equipped to fight against a big horde.” Ellie said and Oliver nodded. “I couldn’t agree more - Cat, are you able...” “Yeah, I’m fine - that’s what I can do. Not the important stuff like sneaking around in uneven terrain, but running or riding is fine... at least until now...”

The horses seemed nervous when Ellie, Cat and Oliver returned to them and even though they didn’t hear or see more Infected they decided to ride back immediately and return with reinforcements, especially since it was a large, uneven and unclear area. 

“Thank you.” “Eh... for what?” “Well - I guess you saved my life with shooting at that Clicker, so... thank you.” Cat said and Ellie shrugged while she continued with unsaddling Roach. “You’re welcome - but that’s one of the reasons why they’re always sending out at least two people for patrols, so they can cover each other's backs.” “Nonetheless...” “Just get some pain medication or something and you’re ready to go out, again.” “That’s nice of you to say.” “Mhm...” 

For a moment Cat looked as if she wanted to say something else, but eventually she just awkwardly cleared her throat and left after mumbling some unintelligible words which most likely were supposed to be some kind of goodbye. 

When Ellie left the stables she saw not only Oliver and Maria but now Cat and even Adam standing close to the main gate and intensely discussing - and just when Ellie thought about if she’d walk over to them or just leave Maria raised a hand and waved, clearly signalling that Ellie should join them. 

After Tommys retirement Adam had been appointed to the new head of security of Jackson and Ellie always didn’t know what she should think of him. On the one hand Adam was one of the most experienced fighters of Jackson and the many scars, missing limbs and the one missing eye were more than obvious signs of the many battles Adam had fought. To a certain extent Ellie always found Adam fascinating, too because he tried compensating his missing body parts with improvised ones. After he lost both of his lower legs because of an accident involving a dying horse, Adam was using prostheses made out of wood. Since Adam still had his knees he could walk relatively normal and way better than Tommy who still had both of his legs but a completely ruined left knee. In addition to that Adam was missing most of his left lower arm and had mounted on the little remaining stumb a prosthesis on which he could screw various attachment parts, depending if he wanted to hold a rifle, carry a bag or other situations he couldn’t do with only one hand. Only for his left missing eye Adam didn’t seem to find a better solution than an eyepatch, yet and the many scars on his visible skin, the long black coats he was always wearing, the almost always basically emotionless look on his face, his often dismissive behaviour and the fact that he never seemed to smile were part of the many reasons while Adam was respected, but other than that not very popular in Jackson. 

But Ellie didn’t have trouble with Adam because of his appearance or his snubbing attitude. Ellie not only didn’t like but actually hated him because - at least in her eyes - Adam was the definition of an asshole. Ellie suspected that one of the very few things Adam had fun with was making stupid rules which only had one goal - to annoy people, make procedures as tedious as possible and simply ruin any joy someone could have in Jackson. Of course Ellie very quickly saw it as a personal responsibility to break as much of those ridiculous rules - and when it escalated to a point that Adam wanted to enforce an almost permanent curfew only because he wanted to stop Ellie from igniting his trash bin, Maria intervened and ordered Adam to back off while giving Ellie so much tedious chores that she’d try to not anger Maria again - at least until Adam tried to enforce the next stupid rules, as forbidding having snowball fights or stargazing on the roof of the townhall, one of the highest buildings in Jackson.

Before Tommy had retired Adam had been responsible for the inner security of Jackson while Tommy had been responsible for the outer security - and even though there were always visible differences between them they worked together because Maria ordered them to do so. Now after Tommy’s retirement - apparently after a massive disagreement that had resulted in a big fight with Maria as Ellie heard of Dina - Adam was responsible for the whole security of Jackson - and Ellie immediately had the feeling that nothing good would come out of this. 

“Good work out there, Ellie. I heard that you showed quick reflexes, was the first one to hear the Infected and routinely handled the whole situation. However I’m not happy with your decision to just continue firing after your crafted silencer broke - it’s a very high risk to alert even more Infected and you’re trained enough to consider close combat, meaning evading the strikes of a Runner and stabbing it silently.” “‘Kay.” “Oliver, as I already told you before I think you took too much risk when you continued using your bow in that rapidly escalating situation - we’re gonna discuss that later in private. Catherine, it’s obvious that you are not physically able to go out on patrols, yet so you’re assigned to watch duty, again until your physical state improves - and no, I won’t accept painkillers as a simple solution to just ignore the pain. Oliver, I’m expecting you at five sharp in the afternoon for the meeting regarding the situation in sector 51. Most of the other patrol leaders should be back from their patrols by then and most likely we’re going to do a mission tomorrow to clear that sector, again - but we’ll discuss that later. Oliver, Ellie and Catherine, you’re dismissed. Maria, I’d like to do with you the briefing for the mission planning at five as soon as you’ve the time for it.” “I was expected in the central warehouse twenty minutes ago to discuss a few things... I think we can meet in my office in around an hour, Adam.” “Good.”

It only had been a relatively short patrol because they’d returned back to Jackson so quickly, but it had felt good nonetheless to go out, again - and Ellie found herself in a relatively good mood. Of course the same didn’t count for Cat who looked as if she was either about to cry or shoot at something. Ellie actually felt sorry for her even though she still rather wanted to be anywhere but close to Cat and with Adam’s orders it wouldn’t happen that Ellie and Cat would have another patrol together again, at least in the foreseeable future. Oliver seemed angry, too and was constantly fiddling around with his bow, but didn’t say anything in particular and just like Cat he quickly left the area behind the main gate, too. 

But Ellie didn’t stay there for much longer, either because she decided to celebrate her first patrol since quite some time and wanted to use the remaining day effectively for a long and hopefully undisturbed Playstation-session. After a moment of consideration Ellie decided to return to Arkham City for some action against the Joker and other evil criminals - and since she already had more or less fun with Catwoman last night Ellie found herself thinking about some - imaginary - additional adventures with Talia al Ghul which would go way beyond what was doable in the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Oliver's favourite colour is indeed green. 
> 
> As some of you probably recognised I used one of the main characters of a video game series as an inspiration for Adam. In case you’re wondering - yes, Adam has a complicated on-/off-relationship with his (ex-)girlfriend Megan who helps him with designing new prosthesis and looks for ways of improving them, too. Of course Adam still sees the Illuminati as one of the main threats and is sure that this mysterious organisation created Cordyceps. Even though Maria disagrees with him quite strongly about this she still keeps him as Head of Security because of his broad experience and many qualifications for such a position. Ellie always finds that very funny and at some point she angered both Maria and Adam with her declaration that not the Illuminati but the Templars are responsible for the creation of Cordyceps and that she, Ellie Auditore, sees it as her mission in life to fight against the Templars and their infected army. As a punishment Adam assigned Ellie to guard duty for two weeks, while Maria ordered Ellie to work in the central warehouse on her free days over the course of the next two weeks when Ellie wasn’t on guard duty.


	6. Chapter 6

Ellie always liked doing patrols and especially the few forays she had been allowed to join. Not only was it the rush of danger, Ellie could prove herself and finding cool and interesting stuff was an additional bonus. 

But now Ellie started to feel the same kind of yearning and impatience to do the next patrol or foray she felt when she just started a new exciting playstation game or a new book series and couldn’t wait to continue playing or reading. When Ellie was out there she didn’t have to think about bad decisions and the many things she had done wrong, about the people she disappointed and how much she missed Joel. Ellie always had the feeling as if a switch in her head was turned the moment she left the main gates because then her whole mind was focussed on looking out for dangers and surviving and all the unpleasant memories were gone. 

Inside the city walls of Jackson the only thing that helped Ellie with distracting her restless mind was the playstation and sometimes a book. But since she played nearly all of the currently in Jackson available games at least twice and read the books which interested her and especially the comics often more than a dozen times, it became harder and harder to lose herself in the games, books and comics because eventually she got bored at some point - and then it was back, all the stuff she didn’t want to think about. 

So Ellie’s life basically consisted of doing missions outside of Jackson - she even asked for the longer and often more dangerous ones - and playing the Playstation or reading stuff that she didn’t know backwards by now. It wasn’t a very happy life and in the late evenings and especially during the nights, when Ellie was lying in her bed and trying to fall asleep, the memories returned and haunted her - but at least with this way she didn’t have to deal with them all the time and often enough she was so tired after a long exhausting patrol that she fell asleep at some point even though her mind was still racing. 

“You alright, El?” “Yeah, I’m fine - no, I’m actually happy because the tattoo is almost done! You’re really amazing with that, Cat and it looks better than I could’ve ever imagined!” Cat shows a weak smile while she continues cleaning her tattoo equipment. “Thank you, but you’re a good customer, too. Not flinching, very calm... and I’m relieved that your horrible chemical burn didn’t cause too much trouble with the tattoo.” “Yeah, me too...” “But I’m serious - are you alright? You mentioned a disagreement with Joel and I couldn’t help but notice that things between you two are kinda... weird after both of you’ve been so close...” “As I told you, we had a disagreement and I asked him to never speak to me, again.” “Ouch... isn’t he accepting you for being...” “I don’t know and I don’t care anymore - and no, me liking girls is not the reason why Joel and I are done.” 

Ellie sighes and has to resist the urge to fiddle with the bandage around her right lower arm which was supposed to protect the freshly tattooed skin. “Sorry, I don’t want to talk about it.” “It’s okay, don’t worry about it - I know it from myself that there are subjects I rather not talk about.” “Really? What kind of subjects?” “Did you overheard the part where I told you that I don’t wanna talk about it?” Cat says grinning while giving Ellie a soft slap against her shoulder. “But I always find it kinda cute how selective your hearing is! If it’s some rule or a duty you’re supposed to do you become stone-deaf, but god forbid if it’s something juicy or you’re benefiting from - then you’ve got ears like a lynx!” “Haha, very funny - as if you’d be any better! Who was it who overheard Tommy and Maria having some dirty talk - and gave me nightmares because of telling me about it? Or knows way too much about the kinky things Oliver likes to do in bed...” “In my defence - Oliver is actually telling me about it when he’s drunk, it’s not like I’m... watching him or something like that!” “Yeah, sure... let’s talk about something else...” “Yes, please - that’s not something I like to think about, either!” “You know, eh... I said it before, but I’m still sorry about that one time...” “And I already told you that you don’t have to apologise for chickening out - I find it actually kinda cute! The big, cool, strong, brave Ellie has a soft side after all...” “You really think I’m... cool?” “Oh, is there someone insecure...” “Oh c’mon, don’t be like that!” 

Now it’s Ellie who gives the grinning Cat a soft slap against her shoulder - and after a moment of hesitation she decides that it is her turn to take the initiative now, so she leans forward and gives Cat a quick kiss on her lips - and even though she has initiated the whole thing Ellie still felt surprised when Cat actually kisses her back. 

Ellie would never have guessed before that just kissing could feel so hot and exciting and suddenly she could understand why couples kissed so often. Then Ellie notices herself holding something warm and soft in her hands which turns out to be Cat’s breasts - and quickly she lets go of them, feeling afraid of going too far. “I’m sorry, I...” “Don’t worry, if I’d be against it you would’ve known by now... you don’t mind it either, I hope?” “Huh?”

Suddenly Ellie becomes aware of Cat’s hands wandering around her chest - and just that already feels way better and more exciting compared to if Ellie does it for herself. “Yeah - I mean, I don’t mind...” “C’mon - let’s get you out of that shirt - I’m dying to know what’s under there! The most revealing I’ve seen you wearing was a sleeveless shirt during last summer when it was so hot that a lot of people were wearing swimwear instead of normal clothes - and you didn’t even wear short trousers!” “Well it’s not like I’ve much to show...” Ellie mumbles while she takes off her shirt - and because she didn’t have expected undressing in front of Cat she hadn’t put one of her nicer bras on so she quickly takes it off, too. 

It isn’t the first time that Ellie is more or less naked around someone else - after all there hadn’t been much privacy in the locker rooms or the communal shower back in the military school in Boston. Still with Cat it is something entirely different and suddenly feeling heat in her face Ellie has to force herself to not immediately cross her arms in front of her chest. “So... there you have it...” “Hot...” Cat, who suddenly looks very distracted, mumbles while softly touching Ellie’s breasts - and Ellie starts to fumble at Cat’s big pink sweater that has some black japanese letters printed on it. Cat had told Ellie at some point the meaning of those letters but she’d forgotten it by now - and has something entirely else on her mind, anyway. “Hey - now it’s your turn!” “Oh, yeah, of course - sorry, I completely forgot!” “Sure you did - if I wouldn’t know it better I’d think that too much of your blood flowed down into a certain part of your body!” “I’m openly admitting having a lady boner - and it’s not like you don’t have one, either!” 

Seeing - and touching - Cat’s naked upper body is hot and exciting and even though Ellie knows in theory how to handle things there she finds herself awkwardly clumsy with her movements. Mostly because she is so curious and impatient Ellie decides to not embarrass herself there any longer but move her attention to a lower part of Cat’s body - and fails miserably with just opening the zipper-fly.

“If you only knew the password for opening that last obstacle before the treasure!” Cat says grinning and Ellie rolls her eyes while leaning back. “Oh someone is in a joking mood, I see - lemme guess... Mellon?” “No, my... cave isn’t that dark and dangerous and certainly you won’t find any rotten dwarf bodies or orks there - but good idea, nonetheless! No, it’s just that the stupid zipper-fly that has the tendency of getting stuck - just let me do that, it’s the quicker way. What about you - why don’t you undress, either? Or do you want me to help you with getting out of your trousers because I certainly wouldn’t mind doing that...”

“...and you’re down there... I’m so glad right now that I shaved before the feast yesterday... oh that’s good and you don’t feel like a dog’s tongue at all...” “What? Dog’s tongue?” Irritated Ellie looks up and Dina simply shrugs while making impatient movements with her hands. “Oh, Jesse had this big soft wet tongue that always reminded me of a dog, you know when they lick your hands... just keep doing what you just did - it was good, right and I don’t want to talk - think - about J because I’m sure that if we’re talkin’ about him he’s gonna turn up here even though there’s a big snow storm out there and yes, I’m comparing and yes, keep going!”

“Oh yes, keep going!” Ellie groans and looks confused at Cat who suddenly has stopped moving her hand and has a big smile on her face while returning Ellie’s look. “Why did you stop? I was about to come...” “You’re about to experience what I’d like to call ‘start-stop’, hehe...” “I’m not sure if that thing is gonna fit...” Ellie says skeptically while Dina’s smile gets even wider. “Don’t worry - I can tell that you’re wet enough, I’m gonna use it slowly and I’m sure that eventually you wanna use it regularly, too!” “Where did you even find that thing?” Ellie asks but doesn’t get an answer because Dina starts to push that magenta-coloured dildo slowly into Ellie - and even though it feels strange it isn’t unpleasant, either. 

“One could think you’ve been secretly practicing!” Cat moans while Ellie quickly moves her fingers between Cat’s legs. “Well, you aren’t entirely wrong about that - but since we have the benefit of having the same sort of genitals I actually can try out things with myself before using it on you!” “I’m not sure if I’d find that weird or hot - but we can talk about that stuff, too, you know?” “I’m not sure if that’s gonna be helpful or endlessly awkward...” “But talking helps, El!” Dina says. “You know that you can talk about everything with me.” “We eat together, we kill together, we sleep together - but I know that there’s still something that you’re hiding. I don’t know what it is and you always change the subject when I try to talk with you about it. It’s just... don’t you trust me or why is it so hard for you to open up to me? I mean we already talked about so much stuff by now but there’s always that... thing lurking around, that’s clearly bothering you - that unspoken but - and for some reason you don’t want to tell me about it!” Cat says and Dina nods in agreement. “I’m only trying to help you - but you don’t let me!” “I can’t help you if you don’t let me!” “You’ll feel better if you try to get all of it out of your system by talking and dealing with it instead of trying to suppress and ignore it!” “I’d like to have an open, honest relationship and I really like - love - you and there are only very few people I can so openly talk about things as I can do it with you. But it’s a two way street - and the better I get to know you the more I’ve the feeling you’re hiding something - starting with why all of the sudden you and Joel aren’t talking anymore - and I don’t like the feeling that you’re hiding something from me, something that obviously seems to be very important to you, but you don’t want to share with me for some reason.” 

“You’re not fine, Ellie.” Dina says with a calm, but nonetheless slightly annoyed voice and Cat doesn’t even try to hide her anger. “I just get the feeling that you don’t trust me Ellie. I don’t care if you massacred a bunch of kids because you wanted to steal their food, have been a cannibal for a while or something else disturbing happened in your past. At some point we all had to do terrible things to survive - and if you don’t think that I’ll be able to handle your past or whatever is the reason why you’re blocking me out every time I try to have serious conversation with you... I don’t think this is gonna work!” “I’m not gonna do this again.”

With a groan Ellie jumped awake and for a long moment she looked disoriented around before she recognised the small hut she was living in and with another groan Ellie sank back into her bed. After Riley, which had always been kind of complicated, Ellie only had relationships with two more girls and both failed eventually because Ellie hadn’t been willing to talk about certain things. 

The big problem with Cat was that Ellie didn’t want to let her into the secret about her immunity - and because of that she couldn’t explain a lot of things without telling too much. Ellie couldn’t properly explain why she was so mad at Joel that she’d only speak with him anymore if it was absolutely necessary. Ellie only could give vague explanations why she and Joel had been looking for the Fireflies - as it turned out Ellie was terrible at lying so she quickly decided to not say anything instead of trying to tell some excuses and failing miserably with it. On the contrary Cat had opened up to Ellie about her own demons, how her father basically had stopped acknowledging her as his daughter after Cat had her coming out or how she had to shoot her own older sister after she got Infected during one of their patrols. But Ellie didn’t want to risk anything by telling Cat about her immunity even though it eventually led to their very unpleasant break up. 

Dina was in the know about Ellie’s immunity - and their relationship broke because Ellie never found a way to move on until facing Abby, again. Even though it made Ellie deeply unhappy she could fully understand that Dina didn’t want to reactivate their relationship - not only because Ellie had let her down but because she didn’t let Dina help her but blocked her and tried dealing with her personal demons by ignoring and suppressing them - and eventually failing miserably by doing so. 

The relationship Ellie had with Dina now was awkward, often tense and Dina didn’t try to hide her disappointment about Ellie. Nonetheless they tried to be on somewhat good terms, had more or less light conversations when they met somewhere and Dina seemed to appreciate that Ellie still occasionally visited Linda, even though the meetings weren’t very productive. Linda - unknowingly - always tried to force Ellie to talk about her immunity while Ellie avoided giving specific answers for obvious reasons, so their conversations always circled without any further progression. 

After getting out very early for a patrol and returning in the early afternoon Ellie had taken a short nap to gain some energy for the most likely stressful evening. Now that she was back in Jackson for almost a month and couldn’t postpone it any longer, Ellie finally had decided to accept the invitation of Jesse’s parents - and not only them but Dina would be there together with JJ, too. 

Even though Ellie tried to avoid places and people that would only remind her of unpleasant memories there was one thing Ellie continued doing even though it always hurted her - visiting Joel’s grave. Ellie tried to visit the grave at least a couple of times per week - and it was one of the few occasions when she met Tommy who barely left his bungalow. 

“Oh there you’re, kiddo! How are you - you look tired!” “I’ve been out on an early patrol today and the nap didn’t give me as much rest as I’d hoped it would.” “That sounds all too familiar... I hope at least the patrol was uneventful?” “Except for a few stragglers we shot from a safe distance nothing worth mentioning.” “With whom you’ve been out today?” “Rick - and damn, that guy never stops talking. Thought he’d tell me tips on how to kill Infected and even explained to me how to use the scope mounted on a long-barrelled rifle.” “I know Rick - he’s a good guy and is always trying to be helpful.” “Yeah, I know - that’s why I let him talking instead of telling him to fuck off.” “Oh you can be so charming, kiddo... how are patrols, generally speaking? Are you getting along alright?” “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” “Just asking - and you know that you can always ask me for advice if you want. I may be a cripple now, but I still have experience and stories to tell - so basically what old men do who can’t fight anymore.” “Yeah, gramps - I’ll think about it. Do you need any help with sweeping the leaves?” “I already raked most of the leaves together - you’d do me a favor and pick it up - there’s a bin over there.” “Kay.” “Those trees look nice enough and I’m sure they are important for the atmosphere on the cemetery - but damn it’s always a tedious work when the leaves start to fall in the autumn.” “Tell me about it...” 

After Joel’s grave was freed of unwanted leaves and freshly watered Tommy let out a weary sigh while continuing looking at the grave. “Damn - here I am, still younger than Joel when he died, but feeling - and looking - much older...” “Oh, you don’t look that bad. I reckon you’d look better if you shave your scruffy beard and let someone cut your hair instead of doing it yourself...” “You sound just like Maria, you know?” “Really? Did you talk with her, again?” “On a few occasions - we’re lurking around each other just like you and Dina.” “Dina and I aren’t... lurking around each other...” “Speaking of - are you looking forward to having dinner with Jesse's parents and Dina?” “Not really - I’m sure it’s gonna be awkward as hell. But I promised it Robin and most likely JJ is gonna be there, too...” “Do you think he’s gonna recognise you?” “I don’t think so - he was still very young when I left them and since my return I’ve only seen him a couple of times from distance but never interacted with him personally.” “I’m sure it’s gonna be fine there. Just try being nice - they’re all very nice people, so if you’re nice they’re gonna be nice, too.” “Wow - what nice advice!” 

Tommy showed a weak smile and after a moment of hesitation he awkwardly patted Ellie on her shoulder. “As I said before - I’m sure you’re gonna be alright. You know, we’d meet, too - sometime in the next few days. I know it’s not something you wanna do and I’m not looking forward to it either, but... we’ve to start taking care of Joel’s stuff at some point.” “Yeah, I know - I’m living next to his house so it’s kinda hard to forget it... I’ll have a look on my patrol-schedule and tell you next time we see each other when we can start tidying up.” “Good.” 

The meetings with Tommy always were a bit awkward because there was a certain subject they carefully avoided talking about but was always hanging about them nonetheless. At least Ellie didn’t have to worry that Tommy would try forcing her to talk about her feelings, memories and other stuff Ellie didn’t want to talk about. 

“Hello Ellie - and just in time!” Robin exclaimed after he had opened the door and Ellie tried smiling friendly and not too sheepishly. “I know that I’ve a reputation of being late so I’d thought I’d surprise you for once. I hope I’m not too early?” “Absolutely not - dinner is almost ready and Dina and JJ just turned up here a couple of minutes ago, too. Come in - no reason for being shy! I’m sure you still know the way to the living room?” 

As Ellie had expected Dina and JJ were sitting on a couch in the living room - and while Dina looked as awkward as Ellie felt JJ were busy playing with some toys and only waved at Ellie with a big smile before he continued playing. “Hello Ellie, eh... good to see you!” “You too! Eh... wow, JJ got so big...” “And it’s unbelievable how quickly he can run already - and how talkative he is!” 

JJ was playing with some toy cars and Ellie hoped that she didn’t choose the completely wrong gift for him when she grabbed into one of the pockets of her jacket. “Here, eh... I brought JJ a present I’d like to give him if that’s okay for you... found it in a store a while ago and wanted to give it to him for quite some time now... Apparently the kids are supposed to be at least six years old before playing with it, so maybe you’d keep an eye on him when he plays with it - if he’s even gonna play with it.” Dina returned Ellie’s questioning look with a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it - JJ is using basically anything as toys so it’d be harder to find something he won’t play with. Oh, what’s that - a spaceship, I think?” “It’s a model of the Space Shuttle, suitable for children.” “Oh yes, the Space Shuttle - I knew it looked familiar!” 

Ellie decided to not let out a snarky comment about Dina’s attention span because she didn’t recognise one of the most famous spacecrafts of all time after - involuntarily - hearing from Ellie so much about it. Instead Ellie just handed over the toy Space Shuttle to JJ who had been told by his mother to go to Ellie - and very much to Ellie’s relief he seemed happy and curious when he started fumbling around with the toy. 

“What’s the magic word, JJ?” Dina asked with a very motherly intonation and to Ellie’s delight she could see him rolling his eyes. “Thank you!” “Do you know what this is?” “A spaceship!” JJ exclaimed and Ellie raised an eyebrow while returning his smile. “That’s not some kind of ordinary spaceship - it’s the Space Shuttle! With the big carrier rocket you can see here the Space Shuttle orbiter was able to launch into space - and not only it could return to earth, of course but it could even be used again!” “Cool...” “It has a special thermal protection system, by the way... eh - some kind of shield that protects the orbiter - the spaceship - against the heat. You know, if something coming from space enters the atmosphere it would burn out if it doesn’t have any kind of protection against the heat. Do you know shooting stars?” “Yes, they are stars flying through space!” “That’s... about right. Damn, I didn’t think about how to explain space stuff to a small child...” “Language please, El - that little potato is like a sponge when it comes to learning new words and I don’t want him to know bad words too early!” Dina said, but didn’t sound very angry while JJ started running around and holding the toy space shuttle in the air as if it would be flying. “Look, I’m flying through space!” 

JJ made some growling sounds, most likely because he tried to imitate the engine sounds while Dina started to look worried. “Just be careful, JJ - you don’t want to knock over some of grandma's vases, again!” “I’m careful!” JJ exclaimed - and because Ellie saw the disaster coming she quickly reached out and catched him just when he was about to run against a standard lamp he apparently had overseen. “Good anticipation, El - he may look like his father but definitely got the clumsiness of his mother!” Dina said while Ellie let JJ go, again and returned her smile. “I’m glad that he’s still as happy and energetic as I remembered him.” “Dinner’s ready, girls... oh and what do you have there, big man? Is that a Space Shuttle?” Robin said surprised and Ellie nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I brought him one - found it in a toyshop.” “It looks fantastic! As I said before, Dinner is ready - took a little longer than expected because of those bastard potatoes that didn’t want to get peeled...” “Language!” “Sorry, Dina - I know you’re right and I’m really trying to talk less foulmouthed...” 

As always the food was delicious and while they didn’t ask anything about Abby Jesse’s parents and his sister Talia were especially curious about what Ellie had seen during her trip - and because JJ was listening, too, they tried to keep the conversation suitable for small children. “No, sadly I didn’t see the Hollywood Sign - I tried to avoid getting too close to Los Angeles - but I were in some fancy regions, nonetheless. For one night I slept in a house with some amazing and expensive looking inventory and the biggest flatscreen I’ve ever seen in my life - sadly I didn’t find a way to turn it on. But the most interesting thing I found in the garage - a red Ferrari cabriolet! Looked expensive, fast and exciting to drive - sadly it was completely dead, not even the slightest flash when I tried turning it on - I found the keys in one of the drawers in the kitchen.” “My father would’ve loved hearing about this - he was a big car enthusiast and could talk about cars for hours!” Robin said while JJ suddenly jumped from his seat and ran into the living room and returned a moment later, holding one of his toy cars. “I have a Fe...rali, too!” “You have a Ferrari?” “Yes!”

Very proudly JJ showed Ellie a small red car. “Gramps gave it to me on my birthday!” “That was nice of him and looks cool - the car, I mean.” “Charming as usual, Ellie.” Robin said smiling while JJ climbed back onto his seat and placed the car next to his plate. “How looked the Felali?” “It’s called a Ferrari and it looked... cool. Sporty.” “How sounds it?” “Sadly I wasn’t able to turn it on - but I imagine that it sounds amazing!” JJ looked a little disappointed but quickly Ellie had an idea to cheer him up, again. “I think I remember the car well enough to draw it - whatcha say about that?” “That be so cool!” “Maybe I can identify it - I know you’re a good drawer and I always loved your work - I’m pretty sure I can tell you what kind of Ferrari you’ve seen there if you draw it.” Robin said and as she’d always did when someone complimented her art Ellie immediately felt embarrassed. “Thank you, as always you’re way too nice and I’m not sure if I can draw it that accurately...” “Don’t be too modest - you’re really good with your art!” Robin’s wife Marian said before looking questiongly at Ellie. “Did you find anything else worth mentioning, there? I mean in the movies you often see a certain kind of lifestyle the rich people used to have before the Outbreak and not only I was too small to remember much of how the world used to be before, my parents weren’t poor but not rich either, so I only know a... normal but not exoctic and rich lifestyle?” 

Ellie shrugged. “It was a large house, had a... more or less empty pool in the big garden and lots of expensive looking stuff. Dozens of champagne glasses in the cupboards, a big study full with books about law... oh and the very long beach not too far away looked similar to what you see in movies, even though I passed some rather... depressing beach sections. You know - the typical stuff that reminds you of the current state of the world.” 

Ellie intentionally stayed vague and carefully avoided mentioning anything possibly disturbing because of the very curious looking JJ and decided to distract him with something more appropriate for someone his age. “I actually saw some dolphins swimming close to the shore and happily jumping out of the water. Do you know dolphins, JJ?” “What are doffins?” “Dolphins are some kind of big fish!” Dina said while pointing at his plate. “Don’t forget to eat so you’ll become a big strong man!” “I wanna play with dolffins and Felalis!” “That’s called dolphins and Ferraris and you’ve to finish eating first, JJ - and yes, you’ve to eat the vegetables, too!” 

The dinner was awkward and exhausting - at least for Ellie. It was obvious that Robin, Marian and Talia tried to keep a good, happy atmosphere and Dina was playing along while Ellie always had to force herself to not be too grim but be somewhat cheerful, too. Only JJ seemed to be completely oblivious of the weird atmosphere which wasn’t a surprise because of his young age and even though it didn’t surprise her it was still another sting in Ellie’s heart that JJ didn’t seem to recognise her at all. 

“Wow - it’s like someone used a switch or something. What are you thinking about?” “Mhm, sorry?” Confused, Ellie looked at Dina who was walking next to her, carrying the now very sleepy JJ on her arm. “Almost immediately after we left the house of Jesse's parents you stopped smiling and got back to your usual broody self.” “Sorry, just tired - long day.” “I’m glad that you followed Robin’s wish and came over for dinner. As you noticed Robin, Marian and Talia seemed to understand your reasons while you had to leave for one last time and... well, it was their son’s or brother's killer you were hunting, after all.” “Yeah and they didn’t seem to be very happy after I told them what happened - you know, when you had the bathroom break with JJ. Just like Tommy they seemed to understand my reasons but were disappointed nonetheless...” “I think Linda is right when she says that there’s not the one right, ideal outcome of this situation.” “Mhm...” 

For a while they walked in silence before Dina looked questiongly at Ellie, again. “So when are you gonna be out on your next patrol?” “In two days - after eight days in a row Adam think’s I’d take a break.” “Jeez - I’d be done after doing patrols for only five days in a row!” “It’s not that exhausting, doing the patrols. Most areas are cleared, the very few still remaining Infected roaming around are easy to take care of. Tommy organised a good concept of keeping the surroundings of Jackson safe and clear of Infected and it’s only logical that Adam is continuing the way of doing things.” “Never change a running system or how this saying is going...” “Yeah...” “Oh, look - we’re already at Joel’s house... eh... you know, close to your place.” “Yeah...” “Well - it was nice and I think you’d do it more often - meeting other people instead just sitting alone at home or doing patrols.” “I’ve a feeling that Robin and Marian won’t be that eager to invite me, again.” “Why? If you think they’re gonna avoid you because of Abby you’re completely wrong. You were one of Jesse’s best friends, they’re considering you as part of their family and they rather still have you here instead of losing you to Abby, too.” “Mhm...”

The dinner with Jesse’s parents, his sister, Dina and JJ may have been awkward and sometimes even unpleasant - but at least Ellie had company, was talking with persons she knew and cared for and was mostly distracted from her bad memories and all the other stuff she didn’t want to think about. 

But after saying Dina goodbye - JJ had fallen asleep - and entering her little dark hut Ellie suddenly felt as lonely as she didn’t have in quite some time. It was so silent in her hut that Ellie could hear her own irregular pulse and shaky breath and it was not a calming and comforting silence as Ellie experienced it in the library or on the few occasions she’d visited the little church in Jackson. It was a cold and oppressive silence that reminded Ellie of a crypt or a similar place, haunted by sorrow and grief. 

“Dina already told us what basically happened in Santa Barbara, but maybe you’d like to explain it in more detail, Ellie? As you can imagine we’re very curious about what happened there and...” “I... didn’t kill her. I could’ve killed her but... I decided to let her go. I was afraid of losing myself... it’s hard to explain. I only can say that it felt right in that moment and it’s not that I’m forgiving her or something, I just... had to find back to myself or something like that. As I said before it’s hard to explain...” “Yeah, that’s... a strange situation, indeed...” Robin slowly shakes his head while Marian suddenly leans forward, now with an angry look on her face Marian. “She killed him - Jesse! Our son, Talia’s brother, JJ’s father, your friend! She killed your father, she made Tommy a cripple, tore apart your family, our family - and you still let her go?” “Yes.” “Damn it!” Marian exclaimes while Talia seems very confused. “So... why did you even leave Dina and JJ? I mean... if you didn’t kill Ab...” “Don’t use the name of that bastard woman in our house, Talia!” Sorry, mom... I mean if you didn’t...” “As I said it before - I thought I was about to lose myself. Was about to become a Sith or something - it’s hard to explain and I’m not understanding it, either.” “No surprise that you started visiting Linda.” Robin says while Marian suddenly seems very tired. “I appreciate your honesty, Ellie - but that’s the only positive thing I can say about that outcome. I think that Jesse wouldn’t want you to lose yourself in anger and hatred so I’ll accept that explanation, but... I’m not happy with it. Oh - I think I heard the toilet flushing. We won’t discuss this any further when JJ is around, but... at least I am absolutely not happy with it and I know it won’t be easy to come to terms with what happened in Santa Barbara.” 

Angrily Ellie punched against the wall and didn’t even try to restrain herself with cursing about the sudden pain in her fist. Even though they said they could understand her reasons the disappointment of those who had lost someone because of Abby always were more than obvious - and it was one of the many reasons why Ellie still felt torn apart about if she had done the right thing or if she should’ve killed Abby, instead. 

Playing some games with the Playstation, reading some comics or physics books and dreaming of adventures with comic heroes, or of space were the most effective ways of distracting herself from thinking about all those negative stuff in her life. So it didn’t take Ellie long to decide to continue reading a book about the planet Mars and when Ellie finally managed to doze off, she didn’t think of the unpleasant and awkward meeting with Jesse’s family anymore but of Mars missions, instead and in her dreams she walked over the Mars and met some Martians whose appearance had a strange similarity with JJ.


	7. Chapter 7

“That’s a bloater - you can identify it because of the heavy steps and that weird... spluttering sound it makes. Must’ve traveled with the large hoard of Infected that traveled last week through the northern areas of Jackson and I reckon it got stuck in that basement.” “So what’re we gonna do?” “Retreat and come back with reinforcements.” “Why aren’t we attacking it directly? I mean you’re famous for being able to kill those creatures all on your own and...” “Those stories are usually exaggerating what actually happened and I won’t risk anything dangerous with you two newbies.” “That’s our fifth patrol we’re doing right now and I already killed three Clickers!” “I’d talk even louder so the Bloater definitely can hear you moaning around.” “I’m not moaning around, I’m...” “You’re and now shut up or I’m gonna tell Adam you ain't ready for patrols, yet und you’d better do some more guard duty.” “You’re... mean!” 

After doing patrols for a little more than two months Ellie had got promoted by Adam to the rank of a Captain that not only held more rights but more responsibilities, too. “Even though you’re still young you proved yourself as skilled and experienced and you’re ready to be tasked with leading patrols and forays. As a Captain you’re expected at the regular meetings during which we discuss missions outside of Jackson and you’re going to help with training new recruits for patrols, too.” “‘Kay.” “Keep up the good work, Ellie and maybe you’re going to be promoted to one of my Generals one day. Generals are basically my direct deputy commanders out of the city walls and have even more responsibilities than Captains. I know we had our differences in the past, but fortunately you’re acting way more professionally now and you’ve become an important part of Jackson’s outer security.” 

Now Ellie was doing a patrol with two recruits and a normally relatively safe and undangerous route turned out to be a lot more troublesome than expected. Ellie already had to stab two Clickers while the two recruits each shot a Runner with their silenced guns. 

“It’s a ramshackle building, I can’t tell from here if there are more Infected than the Bloater down there and for both of you it’s the first time facing such a foe. I’m not gonna risk anything if we’ve still the option of getting reinforcements - experienced reinforcements.” Ellie said and Ransom groaned, again. “But we’ve more than enough molotov cocktails and Steve is one of the best shots in our training group...” “End of discussion - get back on your horses.” “Can we at least be part of that group that kills...” “Only if you stop moaning around.” 

It wasn’t that Ellie was a taciturn, grim person and she did enjoy conversations with other people as long they weren’t discussing stuff she rather not talk about. However travelling with young untroubled recruits who still had hope, were enthusiastic and showed optimism towards their future reminded Ellie of her former past self and just being around with those young happy recruits showed her how much she had changed over the last couple of months and years - and that she didn’t have changed into a direction she was happy with. 

Ellie was well aware that her cold dismissive behaviour was very Joel-alike, at least before he had softened up and that it wasn’t the fault of the young recruits what had happened to Ellie. But there wasn’t very much anymore in her life that cheered Ellie up and at least during the patrols and forays she didn’t have to deal with all the negative stuff that had happened in her past and was still affecting her life in Jackson. The relationship with Dina and Jesse’s family was the definition of complicated, with Tommy and Maria somewhat awkward, too and Ellie didn’t know many other people in Jackson she was close with and cared for. Ellie knew that it was quite egoistic, but if it was necessary to snap at the young happy curious recruits to make the patrols more peaceful for her mind because it wouldn’t remind her of past times when she was travelling and bantering with Joel, she did it without feeling much guiltiness for acting like a colossal dickhead. 

“How was your patrol today, Ellie?” “Uneventful. Ran into a couple of Infected and found a Bloater we’re gonna take care of tomorrow - I already discussed the mission with Adam.” “You seem to be in a pretty bad mood today, Ellie - usually you seem tired, what’s absolutely understandable after a long exhausting patrol, but somewhat even-tempered. Today you seem less tired but unhappy and even angry...” “Doing patrols with the two kids reminded me of past times with Joel.”

Linda showed her typical sympathetic shrink-smile she always showed when Ellie mentioned Joel. “Do you want to talk about it?” “Whatcha think?” “I know that it’s not easy to talk about something that hurts - but it is necessary to do so. We already talked about how you’re throwing yourself into work - doing patrols and forays and other missions outside of Jackson. You’re doing it to distract yourself, but it is not the right way of coping with the many things which are troubling you.” “Adam always tells me that I’m one of his most disciplined and focussed...” “Adam has the emotional range of a teaspoon and is the last person you should quote regarding your mental health.” “I’m fine. Eh... I talked with Dina, yesterday... or was it the day before? I talked with Dina recently and we had a really nice conversation.”

It was a very weak and obvious attempt of changing the topic and Linda’s disapproving look on her face showed Ellie that the psychotherapist saw through Ellie’s attempt to talk about something else. “We had a really nice conversation and... eh...” “What did you talk about?” “Food. Well - we met at a snack bar and food’s one of Dina’s favorite topics.” “Did you talk about anything more... personal?” “Eh... we talked about JJ. Apparently he’s progressing really well with his potty training and he already knows three different words for doing such business.You know those kind of words a kid his age shouldn’t know, yet.” 

Linda always liked hearing stories about JJ so it doesn’t surprise Ellie seeing her now smiling friendlier than before. “How sweet!” “Yeah, JJ’s a really nice kid...” “When did you meet him the last time in person?” “JJ? Eh... well it’s been awhile by now, I think...” “I imagine that you don’t have much time to see him because of your usually long patrols?”

Ellie wasn’t stupid enough to fall for that obvious trap and simply shrugged. “I see him often enough. He’s often with his grandparents - JJ’s parents - and especially with Marian it’s always pretty awkward, so there’s not that much opportunity to see him anyway.” “In one of our last talks you mentioned that your relationship with Marian had improved?” “Abby’s still hanging over our relationship like the sword of Damocles, just like it’s with Tommy.” “With both of them you decided to deal with that difficult topic by simply not talking about it.” “And because I know what you want to tell me - it’s a mutual agreement and just like Tommy Marian and Robin suggested it, too.” 

After a moment of silence Linda slowly nodded. “Don’t worry, Ellie - I’m not forcing you to talk about something you don’t want to talk about even though you should. Instead I’d like to talk with you about your dream diary...” “Since I see that reproach coming - yes, I’m often dreaming of adventures with various heroes, in space and other stuff - it’s the stuff I like to deal with so it’s only logical that I’m dreaming about it.” 

Linda showed a smile that seemed almost amused compared to her usual professional shrink-smile. “I know and I’m not accusing you of writing fake dreams or lying otherwise to me. In your dream diary there are the nightmares about Joel and other bad things you had to experience in your life and you already told me about, of course. But you’re dreaming about friendship, love and forgiveness, too and it’s something I'm very happy about - it shows that you still have dreams - wishes - and are able to feel positive emotions.” “I told you before that I’m not depressed.” “What I noticed, too is that you often dream about saving something or someone. You dream about saving helpless civilians from various types of dangers, saving humanity by organising a journey through space to another planet and similar situations and very often all the things I mentioned combine...” “Yes, I know that I’ve a vivid imagination.” “You told me about how you like to draw and even showed me some of your work. The next homework I’d like to give you is drawing your dreams, your desires, whatever is on your mind. Of course there aren’t any limits to that assignment - you can draw comics, draft little sketches, paint big pictures - whatever is on your mind. However there are two rules I’d like to give you for that homework. The first one is that you don’t set any limits to your imagination as strange, unrealistic and weird it may seem - and secondly it always should be about you. If you’re drawing a comic you are the main character in it. If you’re painting persons or locations you should be in the painting, too. It doesn’t matter how you make yourself look in your art and you can caricature yourself, draw yourself as a comic character or whatever is on your mind. But it should be you and if you’re drawing yourself as a shoe I’m gonna ask you why you drew yourself as a shoe.” “‘Kay.” 

Ellie always was very careful about what she told Linda so the elderly women wouldn’t get even the slightest hint about Ellie’s biggest secret, her gift and burden at the same time - her immunity. Ellie was pretty sure that Linda was well aware about the fact that Ellie was hiding stuff but if she was angry Linda didn’t show it - and Ellie played along so she could tell Dina and anybody else who was asking - Maria specifically - that she was doing psychotherapy and was actually taking it seriously. 

But the sessions with Linda weren’t entirely useless. Linda had given Ellie some really helpful advice for dealing with panic attacks or other situations resulting from the post traumatic stress disorder Linda had diagnosed in their very first session together that eventually ended with a lot of shouting of Ellie at Linda. Knowing - professional - strategies of dealing with panic attacks not only helped Ellie get through them but had the positive side effect that Ellie had them less and less frequently because the panic attacks lost the horror of being some kind of uncontrollably situation. 

As it turned out it had been the right decision of Ellie to retreat and come back with reinforcements instead of directly attacking the bloater. In addition to the Bloater there were two Clickers and a couple of Stalkers and Runners, too and a lot of bullets, molotov cocktails and even a flamethrower were needed to take down all of them.

“Yes, you were right, Ellie and we shouldn’t have been so impatient - happy now?” Steve grumbled, but Ellie, who wasn’t in the mood of discussing that any further, simply shrugged. “Hopefully you learned the lesson and won’t get yourself killed because you’re too uncareful.” “How is it that you’re never... terrified? I mean those bastards were pretty scary...” “We were prepared and the Infected are predictable - it’s the humans you’d be afraid of.” “Really? Why?” “Because they’re unpredictable and there’s no limit to the evilness a human can do.” With a very annoyed look on her face Ellie looked at Steve. “How is it that you’re still so naive? It’s a bad cruel world outside of Jackson and you’d always expect the worst.” “When my parents got to Jackson I was still pretty small and I don’t remember much except for the life in Jackson.” “Yeah, it can be pretty peaceful in there.” “I mean I experienced the few raids of bandits that happened over the years, but... it’s something entirely different outside of the city walls and seeing those infected creatures, knowing how dangerous they are...” “If you’re too scared you shouldn’t do patrols but stick to guard duty or do something completely different, instead.”

Behind her Ellie heard someone snorting and when she turned around she saw Rick looking at her, an amused look on his face - but a bit thoughtfully, too. “Damn you’re always so quiet these days that sometimes I forget that you’re Joel’s kid - even though he was the opposite of talkative, too. He liked giving that kind of answer Ellie just gave to you young recruits, too, you know? He...” “Yes, we know.” Ellie mumbled while Rick rode forward and was riding next to Ellie and Daniel a moment later. “He was a fine man, that Joel. Was that kind of guy you were glad he was on your side and not your enemy, but a good guy, nonetheless.” “No surprise that his daughter got promoted to a Captain already...” “Thank you, Rick - we all know and there’s no reason to discuss that any further.” Ellie said, but talkative as Rick was the elderly man, who obviously didn’t get thinner over the years, didn’t think about stopping. “You’d always be careful, lads - or you’re gonna get yourself killed. In this world danger is lurking around behind every corner and you always have to expect the worst. Take the Runners as an example - they’re actually smart enough to hide somewhere so they can surprise the uncareful traveller. Or Clickers with their abnormal good hearing - terrifying creatures who’ll not see or smell you shitting your pants but hear it - trust me, I’m speaking out of experience!” 

Ellie couldn’t help but groan when Rick started to tell the story about how he first ran into a Clicker when they started to appear a couple of years after the Outbreak - a story Ellie already heard so often by now that she could tell in advance what Rick would say next. It wasn’t like that Rick’s stories were boring or he was bad with storytelling - he just told his stories over and over again even if his conversational partner already heard them at least a dozen times. 

“Wow you look even more annoyed than usual.” Dina said with a very amused smirk on her face when Ellie ran into her at the playground close to the main gate after returning to Jackson. “I had to listen to Rick’s stories, again - you know the ones about his first encounters with various types of Infected, how he’d fought them and stuff.” “I actually like Rick’s stories - he tells them like goodnight stories...” “Or in other words - ideally for falling asleep.” Dina seemed even more amused. “You’re funny when you’re annoyed, El.” “How come that you’re in such a good mood? Did you get a promotion or was JJ successful with something?” “We finished our work in the greenhouses quicker than expected and as a reward we get time off the next two days!” “Nice...” “I wanted to use the time for spending some family time with JJ - I’m way too often longer at work than I’d like and we’ve some time to catch up.” “That’s... nice to hear...”

Ellie tried to ignore the bitter feeling that this family time didn’t involve her anymore and she made the mental note to use another route on which she wouldn’t pass the playground when she walked from the main gate back to her hut. It had become more often that Dina and JJ visited that particular playground and didn’t visit one of the others in Jackson and one of the many things Ellie didn’t want to get reminded of regularly was seeing Dina and JJ and getting remembered of the fact that because of her actions Ellie was no longer part of that family. 

With a grimace on her face that was supposed to be a smile Ellie awkwardly cleared her throat. “It was a long day for me, so... have fun, you two and... see you later.” “If you’d like it you can visit us, you know? You don’t have to be all day long in your hut, only leaving it for patrols or visiting the cemetery...” “Oh thank you for the offer, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. You know how... weird things are because my decision of letting Abby go instead of killing her or that I even left and there’s no reason to make the situation even worse than it already is.” “Oh don’t be like that, it’s not that bad! Robin and Talia aren’t even talking about it anymore and they’re actually worried about you because they barely see you and Marian... well, yes she has the tendency of bearing grudges for quite some time, but she can understand your reasons - we all can - and...” “Hi Ellie!” 

Suddenly Ellie noticed someone hugging her leg and because of her surprise she didn’t manage to do more than awkwardly petting JJ’s head. “Hello JJ, it’s good to see you...” “Where have you been? Have you been to space?” “I was... eh what?” “You told me you wanted to fly to Mars! With a big spacecraft and faster than light!” 

Vaguely Ellie remembered running into JJ and Dina at the very same playground, where they were standing now, a couple days ago and that it had been easier to have a conversation with JJ instead with Dina because both of them had ran out of topics to have a light conversation about very quickly, especially with a small child curiously listening to them. 

“Oh yes, I told you about Mars...” “And back at home JJ did a Mars mission! Flew with the little Space Shuttle you got him all the way from his room into his mother's bedroom and did a big mess there while exploring that strange, unfamiliar planet!” “That’s... nice to hear...” Ellie said, who found it sweet and amusing at the same time and didn’t know how to react properly to it while JJ continued looking curiously at Ellie. “So did you fly to another planet?” “I... actually did - me and my fellowship were on a space patrol and we checked... other planets to make sure that everything is alright there!” “That’s so cool!” “Yeah, it really is, isn’t it?” “Did you meet aliens?” “Eh... sure, we did...” “Friendly aliens, I hope?” Dina said with her motherly voice and Ellie quickly nodded. “Of course they were friendly. Told me they were messengers and tasked with spreading a message about universal peace, cosmic harmony and suchalike...” “How did they look?” “Well, they were three - one looked like a pepper pott and actually stumbled when he skidded down the stairs of his spaceship. The second one looked very toad-alike and was the one who delivered the message of universal peace, cosmic harmony and...” “How did the spaceship look?” “Eh... like a typical UFO, you know? Do you know what UFO stands for?” “No?” “Unidentified Flying Objects - humans who don’t know anything about space call spaceships from Aliens UFOs! Often they look like flying saucers, or like donuts, pyramids - you know, similar to the ancient buildings the agyptian people used to live in. What I’m trying to say is that spaceships can look very different and I... we of the space patrol saw lots of them!” 

Dina seemed even more amused than before while she looked at Ellie and JJ. “Wow - I wish my patrols had been that exciting!” “You are doing space patrols, too, Mummy?” “Not anymore, JJ - you know that I’m working with lamps, devices and other stuff that needs electricity.” “Do you work on spaceships, too?” “No, I reckon that’s Ellie’s department.” “What spaceship do you fly, Ellie?” “Eh... the Millenium Falcon! I... bought it used on the second-hand spaceship market and I keep it running with improvisation and duct tape, hehe.” “That’s so cool - you’ve to show it to me!” “Eh... if you’re older I can show it to you because it’s parked outside the city walls - it’s too space-ious to park it inside. But I can show you a model of it if you’d like - I actually have lots of space stuff I can show you if you’re interested.” “That be so cool!” “Yes, that’s a good idea - and I see what you did there, with spacious, El.” Dina said, still showing an amused smirk. “Would it be okay if JJ visits you, looking and playing around with your... space-stuff? By doing so you don’t have to carry the stuff through half of Jackson and JJ tends to be more careful in unfamiliar environments than at home or at the houses of his grandparents.” “Sure, no problemo, just tell me before so I can tidy up.” Ellie said, trying to hide her sudden nervousness and at the same time happily feeling because of the unexpected offer while Dina looked with her mother-face down at JJ, again. “See, JJ - Ellie has nice manners and is tidying up her room before she gets a visitor!” “But Bobby is never tidying up his room so why do I have to tidy up when he visits me...” “Because you want to make Mummy happy by being a nice and well behaved boy, don’t you?” “But Auntie Talia is never tidying up her room, too and she says that smart people don’t tidy up their rooms! And Auntie Talia is smart! She can count to hundred and she always knows from memory what is in the fridge!” “Of course you remembered that, little rascal - but don’t you want to be a smart and a nice, well mannered boy, too?” “But...” 

Ellie thought that it wouldn’t hurt to gain some more bonus points with Dina while trying to cheer up JJ. “Try to see it positive - if you’d live on a spaceship you’d have to tidy up there, too so stuff wouldn’t fly around when things get hectic. Maybe when you’ve to fly through a meteorite shower, hunt some space pirates...” “Because you want to tell them messages about cosmic peace and harmony!” Dina said quickly while JJ slowly nodded. “That makes sense... Do you often meet space pirates?” “Eh... sure, all the time...” “What do their spaceships look like?” “Eh... big! Very big! So they’ve enough space to store all their stuff, you know - pirates love getting stuff.” “I know - they hunt treasures!” “Yeah, you’re right - they’re always looking for treasures...” “What kind of treasures do you find in space? Gold? Diamonds? Jewellery?” “Eh... yeah, that’s some of it. They like to get different kinds of rare metals, too - you know, that kind of metal you need for building spaceships! They like to get basically anything and because they need a lot of room for storing all that stuff they need large spaceships!” 

Talking with Dina and especially JJ had been more delightful than Ellie had expected before - and even though it still hurt seeing Dina walking away, JJ happily jumping next to her and not walking with them, Ellie felt something like happiness. Ellie didn’t know what the final reason was, but apparently Dina didn’t seem to mind anymore that Ellie could not only see and briefly talk but actually interact with JJ. 

Not even a week later Dina and JJ stood into Ellie’s little hut and the little boy was more than excited to explore the surroundings - and more than once his mother reminded him to behave nicely and stay careful with the little models Ellie already had spread out on the floor. 

“I’m sorry, usually JJ is less... wild when we visit someone, but sitting all day long in the house isn’t really ideal for a little energetic boy as he is.” “Yeah, I can imagine that you didn’t visit the playground the last couple of days because of the bad weather.” “It’s typical weather you expect in late autumn, but it’s not only the rain - it’s the coldness, too! More than ten degrees less than last week makes it even more damp and unpleasant than it already is!” “Tell me about it - I have my free day today after doing seven patrols in a row, five with this bad weather.” “But you didn’t catch a cold, did you?” “No, I’m fine - there’s no better way to toughen yourself up against any kinds of colds than being out constantly.” “Yes - and eating enough vegetables!” “Eh...” “Do me a favor and play along - I read a big and very informative book about a healthy diet and unfortunately JJ’s isn’t very fond of the wholesome food on his menu that’s supposed to keep him healthy.” “I can imagine that...” “Of course you do and I actually can confirm now that you like to make the same tantrum a small child does when there are too many vegetables on your plate for your liking!” “I know that I’ve the tendency to act childish - but don’t worry, I won’t encourage JJ with his dislike against wholesome food.” 

Ellie awkwardly cleared her throat because she didn’t know how to say correctly what she wanted to say - and eventually decided to just go for it. “Thank you for allowing this. I mean - you don’t have to do that so I really appreciate it that you let me spend some time with JJ...” “Oh it’s fine - I mean it’s not like I hate you or something like that, I mostly have... let’s call it trust issues.” “Yeah...” “Besides JJ likes you - he’s always babbling for hours about space stuff after he’d talked with you and since I’m trying to raise him as perfectly as possible I like it that there’s someone who talks with him about that kind of stuff. I mean - Robin’s favorite topic is cars, Marians is literature and she always reads him a lot of stories and you know how much Talia is interested in animals and can talk for hours about whales, bears, eagles, butterflies, crocodiles and what else there’s out there in the world. It’s not like that I don’t trust the other settlers in Jackson and of course JJ is going to preschool by now, but... it’s one thing to trust someone that he wouldn’t attack you or do something similarly dangerous, but something completely different to trust someone with your kid.” 

Ellie slowly nodded. “Well, then I’m glad that you trust me enough to be part of JJ’s education - you know that I really care about him and it means a lot to me.” “Just do me the favor and try to keep things... suitable for small children. I don’t want to raise him as a pacifist or something like that, but there’s no reason that he hears too early about beheading treacherous traitors, blasting one’s head off with a laser blaster or other violent stuff. Just the same as it with bad words - I don’t know if you know Dudley, but he’s a prime example of how JJ isn’t supposed to grow up. Dudley is around a year older than JJ and not only so overweight that he actually reminds me more of a pig than a child, Dudley’s manners are basically nonexistent - he knows more cursing words than normal words, I think - he behaves like the spoiled brat he is and is always literally screaming for attention as if he didn’t get enough already. But Dudley’s father, who’d make a walrus looks slim and whose face always reminds me of a gigantic beetroot with a moustache, if you’d ask me, has some important engineering function at the powerplant so they don’t say much against him and his family as... rude and unfriendly they may behave.” 

Ellie nodded in agreement. “Yeah, they’re a bunch of dickheads and it’s no surprise that they’re regulars in the Typsy Byson. But what about you?” “What about me?” “You didn’t mention yourself when you listed people for JJ’s education?” “I’m his mother - I’m trying to supervise his upbringing and make sure that he grows to a civilised human being and that’s alright for me. After all I’m a single mother and trying to do my best for JJ so I need every help I can get.” “Yeah...” “Oh, I see it’s already past five o’clock and I promised Margaret to look at her television and Mr Fell in the library want’s to rearrange a few of his reading lamps and I promised to help him with that. You alright here?” “Yeah, everything’s fine and don’t worry - I’m gonna entertain him only in ways you’d approve.” “Thank you - I think I’d be back by no later than seven o’clock.” “We’ll survive, don’t worry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story about the aliens, which are tasked with spreading universal peace, cosmic harmony and suchalike, is a quotation from a book some of you probably recognise. I like to think that Ellie would enjoy reading that book - and that at least for a while she tried talking to plants to make them look better, too.
> 
> Yes, one of Dudley’s favourite hobbies is hunting and beating JJ on the playground when their mothers aren’t looking - and no, JJ and Dudley’s orphaned cousin aren’t friends (yet). Not only because little Harry has to stay inside most of the day and is barely allowed to play outside, but also because Dudley always has a quite punchy argument with everyone who’s trying to befriend his freakish cousin. Of course Harry is just a completely normal boy and his parents were ordinary traders, always travelling in a group with other traders between Jackson and nearby settlements. However during one of their travels they got surprised and eventually torn apart by a horde of Infected when Harry was only a little over a year old and after some initial hesitation his mother's sister agreed to take him into her family. Harry is a completely normal boy except for the strange scar on his forehead, resulting from a chemical burn after playing with an old car battery - at least that’s what Harry’s aunt was told by his mother before her violent death.


	8. Chapter 8

_ In the town... where I was born... lived a man... who sailed to sea... and he told... us of his life... in the land... of submarines...  _

At first it had been a hard and tedious work of learning to play the guitar with her other hand, but eventually Ellie could play at least easy covers of songs she liked to hear or play or were simply ideal for training purposes.

_ We all live in a yellow submarine... yellow submarine... yellow submarine... we all live in a yellow submarine... yellow submarine... yellow submarine...  _ When JJ suddenly started singing along, too Ellie flinched in surprise because she had been so concentrated before - and got out of the rhythm because of the distraction. 

“Sorry, I didn’t expect you to sing along, too - I’m gonna restart if you’d like.” “That’s a funny song - how is it called?” JJ exclaimed and Ellie raised an eyebrow. “Whatcha think?” “I don’t know?” “Yellow submarine, of course. It’s actually a very old song by now and was originally sung by the drummer of a band called ‘The Beatles’.” 

Joel had liked this british band and teached Ellie guitar covers of a few from their songs. ‘Yellow Submarine’ always had been one of the songs Ellie liked the most - it was about a man with a yellow submarine after all. 

“Can you show me playing that song, too?” “Later, when you’re more skilful with playing the guitar. You’ve to do a couple more exercises first, before we can try more difficult songs.” 

Even though it always remembered her of Joel, Ellie still liked playing the guitar and when she had started with her exercises to play the chords with her right hand instead of her left, it had been an overall bittersweet experience. On the hand Ellie was constantly going down memory lane when doing the practices she had done together with Joel again, but on the other hand music - listening to but playing it for herself, too - had been always one of Ellie’s favorite ways of dealing with her mostly bad memories, her anger and emotional turmoil and often felt almost cathartic. 

Of course Linda had heavily approved of Ellie making music again - and JJ had been curious, too because except for his preschool teachers he didn’t know anybody personally who was making music for themselves. The only thing Dina did was singing while just like Jesse his family wasn’t very musical - and the arthrosis in the hands of Dina’s mother was too heavy by now that she could properly play piano anymore. 

Quickly JJ often wanted to listen to Ellie when she was practising - and especially singing along, too and even though she appreciated it Ellie sometimes found it a bit tiresome to listen to his squeaky and mostly out of tune voice. Still Ellie was happy that JJ was accompanying her while making music - something Dina was very fond of, too because she was happy about any musical education JJ got. After Ellie had found a small children guitar in one of the music stores in the proximity of Jackson and given it to JJ as a gift he had his own little instrument to fiddle with - and sometimes he even attempted the exercises Ellie tried to teach him. Ellie had the vague feeling that those exercises were more for adults or at least older children than JJ, who wasn’t even five years old, yet. However Ellie didn’t know anything about correct musical education for small children like him - one of the reasons why he visited preschool - and because he mostly seemed to have fun Ellie didn’t have the impression of doing too much wrong. 

“But your exercises are boring!” “I know, but especially in the beginning it’s a long and tiresome process of learning to play a new music instrument. Eventually all will come together and you’ll use the stuff you learned to cover songs or even play your own ones. Trust me, I know it from myself how cumbersome it can get when I started with guitar lessons, but they turned out to be useful, eventually.” “‘Kay.” “Oh I see it’s already past six o’ clock - meaning it’s dinner time for you. Lemme see what your mother made you for dinner...” “Only some sandwiches. Can we go to one of the snack bars, get a burger, please?” 

There was a feast in the city hall tonight and since Ellie was still in a grim mood because of the anniversary of Joel’s death just a couple days ago. Since she never had been a big fan of those kinds of events anyway, Ellie had happily agreed to watch JJ while his mother visited the feast together with her mother and Jesse’s family. 

“Your mother specifically told me that you’re supposed to eat your sandwiches. However I don’t have very much in the fridge for myself, anymore and I reckon it won’t hurt if you’d get a bite of my burger.” “You’re awesome!” “But you’ve to eat your sandwiches, first! I’m gonna play ‘Yellow Submarine’ again and then write a note so your mother won’t be worried if she’d come by for an unexpected visit. In the meantime you eat your sandwich and then we’re gonna visit one of the snack bars - I think the one close to the main gate should still be open.” “But if I eat the sandwiches I won’t be hungry anymore - Mummy always puts so much stuff on them that I’m full after I ate only one of them!” “If you wanna become a big strong man you’ve to eat lots of food, JJ - but if you’ve a few leftovers I can finish them, I didn’t have much for lunch today so it’s fine for me.” “You’re awesome!” “Yeah, just like your aunt Talia I’m way too friendly, I guess - but promise you that you eat as much as you can, I mean you don’t want to make your mother angry and disappointed by trying to cheat too much, do you?”

“...and a children burger for you, dear!” “Thank you!” “What a nice and behaved young man JJ is - you’d take an example of him, Ellie!” Maggie said and Ellie, who already had taken a bite of her burger, just shrugged while JJ looked confused. “But Ellie is always very nice and friendly...” “Oh I know, that was just a little joke between us. Do you want some more ketchup?” “No, it’s enough, thank you!” “How nice he says thank you...” “You’d thank his mother for his manners.” “Of course I know that!” Maggie said grinning and Ellie showed her a face before turning around. “Let’s go back to my hut, JJ - it’s cold, damp and I don’t wanna risk you catching a cold.” “But I always eat lots of wholesome food that’s supposed to keep me healthy!” “I still don’t wanna risk anything. Oh hello Tommy, what are you doing here?” “Getting some food, of course - and because of the feast most snack bars closed earlier than I expected so I had to walk all the goddamn way over here.” 

Tommy seemed a bit tired, but his smile seemed genuine while he looked at Ellie and JJ. “I see you two got yourself some food, too?” “Yeah, JJ was still hungry after he ate his mother's sandwiches and I didn’t have much in my fridge, so... here we are.” “Sounds familiar to me - I’m pretty lazy making dinner for myself and prefer it to just get it somewhere, too.” “How come that you aren’t visiting the feast? I thought you wanted to go there?” “Yeah, but I wasn’t really in the mood for it. You know about... the anniversary last week, too and... well, you know I’m not that social anymore, either.” “What are you talking about?” JJ asked curiously, but Ellie shrugged while looking down at him. “It’s not that important to keep talking about. Do you like your burger?” Talking about food, especially what he was currently eating, was always an efficient way to distract him and just as expected it worked perfectly because now JJ was beaming at Ellie and Tommy. “Yes, my burger is amazing! It has almost no salad, but a lot of meat and a lot of ketchup and it is really good!” “That’s nice to hear, little man.” Tommy said smiling even though his smile looked now a bit painful. “If you’d excuse me - seeing both of you eating reminded me again of how hungry I am, especially after walking through half of Jackson!” 

Ellie suspected that JJ reminded Tommy of Sarah or something else painful in his past and suddenly she found herself in the solemn mood, again she’d been in before JJ had cheered her up with his never ending happiness and delightness. 

Just as Ellie had expected it JJ quickly got more and more tired after they had returned to Ellie’s hut and it didn’t take much time before the little boy was sleeping peacefully in Ellie’s bed. From experience Ellie knew that it wouldn’t wake JJ up if she tidied up the room - something JJ actually was supposed to help her with, but Ellie didn’t mind putting the little models of spaceships, planets, cars and other stuff back into the toy box on her own because on this way she could check that everything still was alright and notice any potential damages immediately without getting distracted by the playful JJ. 

Eventually Ellie fell asleep on the couch while reading a Savage Stargirl comic that she already read at least a couple dozens of times by now. The next morning Ellie got woken up by the sound of steps next to her - and when she turned around she saw JJ standing close to the bathroom door and looking apologising at Ellie. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up. I tried to walk really silent but...” “Yeah, don’t worry, I was about to wake up anyway. How late is it?” “I think it’s around eight, but I’m not sure - I still have problems reading the clock.” 

After a quick glance Ellie nodded in agreement. “Yeah, you’re right - it’s just a couple minutes after eight o’clock. Do you’ve to pee or what?” “Yes...” “Do your business and then get dressed.” “But it’s sunday and I don’t have preschool today!” “Your grandparents are supposed to pick you up at ten o’clock, but knowing them it’s very likely that they’ll turn up here earlier - they’re morning persons after all. We both can make a good impression on them if you’re already dressed and had breakfast and they don’t have to drag us out of our beds.” “Can we at least get a burger for breakfast?” “Your mother brought some wholesome cereal you’re supposed to eat...” “I don’t like that stuff - it tastes weird and boring and... I don’t like it!” “It’s cold out there, I can see sleet so it’d be a very unpleasant walk to the snack bar and you just had a burger last night - it gets boring if you eat it too often.” “But...” “I’ve some cereal, too - but the sweeter stuff with more sugar, not that wholesome stuff I’m not very fond of either, to be honest. Why don’t we mix it up so each of us has something of the bad and something of the good stuff?” “‘Kay...”

Jesse’s parents turned up at half past nine o’clock, but didn’t seem to be overly surprised that JJ was already ready to take him back to their house. For a long moment Ellie felt lonely in her now silent hut after JJ and his grandparents had left, but as usual she quickly tried to suppress and ignore the feeling and started to do a diary entry about the time with JJ. In addition to her private journal that she kept completely private and didn’t show to anybody, Ellie still had to keep some kind of diary for Linda in which she wrote short reports about her day, scribbled some sketches or put other similar stuff in it. Linda often criticised that Ellie didn’t keep her public diary, as Ellie called it, thoughtfully enough and the psychotherapist always liked to hear stories about JJ so Ellie thought that she was killing two birds with one stone by writing a long report about the meeting with JJ, added with some sketches, what hopefully would be enough for their next meeting. 

Even though Ellie still found it completely useless to visit Linda regularly she continued doing so because Dina still seemed to be fond about Ellie talking more or less regularly with someone who was trained for talking about feelings. Ellie was pretty sure that Linda saw through her attempts to avoid certain topics, but Linda almost never tried to force Ellie to talk about topics she didn’t want to talk about but encourage her to do certain activities that were supposed to bring her clarity with something or at least be somewhat uplifting.

“No, I didn’t have the slightest plans of visiting the feast and I don’t have the feeling as if I missed something. I mean I had a really nice time with JJ and I never liked those kinds of festive activities, not even before everything went down with Joel.” 

Linda kept looking at Ellie with her professional shrink-smile. “But you’re lonely.” “I’m not...” “You’re still hoping that you could settle things with Dina and that at some point in the future the two of you get together, again. I’m not saying that this is impossible, but you shouldn’t make yourself dependent on Dina. You’re still very young, if you try you can look really pretty and Dina isn’t the only woman in Jackson...” “I know, but I’m happy with how things are. I’m not that social and even back in Boston I never had more than two or three people I would actually call close friends. I meet enough people during patrols...” “Those are brief meetings and often enough you’re telling me that you feel annoyed and bothered if someone wants to have with you too many conversations for your liking.” “I often talk with the guards...” “I’m talking about personal conversations, not formal or trivial conversations about the weather or whatever you’re discussing with the guards.”

Linda raised an eyebrow - something she usually did when she was about to do a suggestion of something more or less productive Ellie was supposed to do and she usually didn’t like. “There’s a big party next week, I heard - starting on saturday evening and with a lot of music of the genre you like.” “I heard about that and on Saturday and Sunday I’ve patrols, so no time to visit the party.” “It shouldn’t be a problem if you’d ask Adam for a free day on Sunday.” “I’m not interested and I won’t visit that party.” “Do me the favour and at least consider visiting the party - it’s a good opportunity to meet new people and maybe you are even going to like it?” “As I said before - not interested. But I’ve got other plans, though.” “What other plans do you have?” “When Tommy and I visited Joel’s grave on his death-day last week we decided to sort Joel’s stuff - there’s no reason to postpone it any longer.” “I’m glad to hear that and I think it’s going to help you with finding closure. Even though you’re claiming otherwise you’re still not over Joel’s death because just trying to ignore or suppress something hurtful is not the right way to cope with it.” “I told you often enough that I’m over Joel’s death, so not much for me to cope with anymore. I only mentioned it so you’d stop pestering me about visiting more or less social activities.” “Let’s focus on what you and Tommy are going to do for now.” “There’s nothing to talk about.” “How do you feel...” “As I told you before - I’m fine.” 

“It still smells like him.” “Huh? Oh, that’s no surprise - often enough Joel’s shirts were still smelly after washing them at least twice!” “No, I don’t mean the smell of old sweat, I mean... I don’t know, I can’t explain it.” 

Tommy sighed while he looked at the shirt Ellie was holding in her hand. “I know what you’re talking about. It’s strange how many little things you notice after the person is gone... not to mention associations.” “Guitars...” “Or just empty bottles and bricks that are lying around. It actually had been my idea to throw something to distract or attack those Infected - but Joel mastered the technique.” “I can imagine that...” 

By now it was more than three years ago that Joel had been killed so violently, but it still hurted Ellie to just be in his house. Over the time the weather had taken its toll on the house, the roof was leaking and while the closed window shutters had prevented most windows from damage some got broken nonetheless and were improvised closed with wood planks Ellie or Tommy had nailed over the window opening. The electricity had been acting funny, most likely because of water damage and had been completely turned off from one of the electricians while water was still running, even though it couldn’t be heated anymore because of the disabled electricity. Once in a while Tommy or Ellie opened most of the taps and flushed the toilets a couple of times to scour the pipes in the house - something the plumbers had told them - but otherwise they hadn’t done much in the house until now. 

“So... did you think about...” “No, I don’t want to move in here because even if we’d replace everything I’d still feel reminded of Joel constantly and that’s not something I want.” “But what about the hut you’re currently living in? The house is too nice to just let it be empty and if someone else moves in there I don’t think that’s it gonna be that nice to stay in the hut in the backyard...” “I’m only staying there because it was free and nobody else wanted it. Of course I’m gonna move somewhere else if a family wants to move into the house - it shouldn’t be that hard to find a new place for myself.” “I’m just trying to make sure that you won’t do something you’re gonna regret later.” “Mhm...”

In the end clearing out Joel’s house turned out to be quicker than both Ellie and Tommy had expected before. Except for a few ones they gave most of the books to the Jackson Library, the same with Joel’s clothes which they donated to the central Clothes Store except for a few pieces of clothing Joel used to wear very often and they had a personal connection with. Just like other personal items Tommy and Ellie split most of Joel’s huge music collection and his music equipment, while they left most of the furniture to the next owner of the house.

Not even two weeks later Ellie had moved into a small house in the north of Jackson and quickly thought that she should have done this way sooner. Living in a new house without any emotional attachment yet felt as good and freeing as Ellie had hoped before - and even after furnishing and decorating the house with stuff that used to belong to Joel the house still felt new and unburdened, only now with a more personal touch. Quickly Ellie had the feeling that she’d successfully managed to do another step with moving on - literally - and that it helped her with finding a little more closure. 

The house itself was way larger than Ellie needed it to be - for Ellie’s needs a small bungalow would have been more than enough - but Maria had insisted on choosing not something too small. The house had been immediately available and at least Ellie didn’t have any trouble storing her stuff and the few things from Joel she’d kept. The house had two stories and way more rooms than Ellie actually needed - but especially Dina had told her a lot of ideas of how to use the many rooms. “Of course you’ve the kitchen, living room and the two bathrooms, one on each floor. But you’d add a music room, an art room and of course a room for JJ where he can play and sleep if he stays for the night.” “So you allow it that JJ continues visiting me?” “Of course, why wouldn’t I? It’s a bit annoying that you’re basically living now at the other side of the city, but it shouldn’t be a problem to mount a child's seat on your bicycle or mine and after he gets a little older JJ can use his own bike. JJ likes you and you’re a somewhat good influence on his life, even though you’d be a bit stricter at times.”

The only big drawback of the house was the location. The downside of moving into one of the quieter neighbourhoods was that most of the places Ellie regularly visited were relatively far away and again Ellie realised how much Jackson had grown over the last couple of years. While the center of Jackson with all of the important locations was still in walking distance, it took a while to walk to the cemetery and the small bungalow where Dina lived with JJ, close to her mother’s and JJ’s grandparents' houses and especially to the main gate. 

So it didn’t take Ellie long to finally get a bicycle and she even got offered to let the garage of the house be renovated into a stable for her own horse so she could take care of it more personally and had an additional way of transport. However it was a huge workload to keep a horse in an own stable - especially alone - so Ellie had declined the offer and Maria hadn’t looked too surprised about that. “I know it’s a lot of work to keep a horse at home and you’re young and mobile enough to use a bicycle instead, or just walk.” “Not to mention that I don’t own a horse, yet. I know I’m using Roach for most of my patrols, but I don’t actually own her and I’m only using her that regularly because she can be petulant at times and by now I’m one of the few who knows her quirks well enough to deal with them on patrols. She’s a strong and fast horse and doesn’t panic when she notices Infected - that overweighs her tendency of being... dramatic.” 

One of the big benefits of the house was the garden - big enough of being usable but not too big that it’d be too much of tedious work to keep it somewhat tidy - and that the house was freshly renovated with not only refurbished electricity, but two large brand new storage water heaters, too which made it possible for Ellie to have long hot showers without worrying much anymore about remaining hot water. 

“I’m glad you like the house because I know that it hasn’t the very best location for you - yet.” Maria said and she pointed on a map she’d spread out on the kitchen table. “But you know that with a growing population we’ve to rearrange the living situations in Jackson quite often - for example we’re planning to add another gate in that part of the city wall, not too far away from where you’re living now. The research facilities are nearby, too - I know how interested you’re in science and maybe you’re gonna work there someday after you’ve got tired of doing patrols - and we’ve some other big plans I can’t tell you about, yet.” “Kay.” “At least you’re living closer to my house, now - I’m expecting you to visit me for dinner more often than in the past, you know?” “That reminds me - didn’t Tommy move into somewhere close, too?” “Yes, he moved into the bungalow you were interested in, first - just down the road. That’s actually another reason why I asked you to move into one of the houses - we’re trying to organise it in a way that elderly or more or less physically disabled people can use places without any stairs while the others use the buildings with stairs.” “Mhm...” 

Maria raised an eyebrow. “And I think that it’s actually good for you that you’re in another part of Jackson now. You know - to get some distance, see new faces...” “Yeah, I know - and I can’t deny that it has those... positive effects. Nonetheless I’m still curious about who moves in next into Joel’s house...” “The Barton’s, actually. After they’ve got twins recently, with three children now their old house became too small and apparently they immediately liked Joel’s house - they even want to keep most of the furniture, I heard. I’m glad that you decided to leave your little cave and move to a new place - and I hope that it gives you a boost to do more activities, too. You know - visit various social gatherings, meet new people and other stuff you carefully avoid to do since you’ve returned from your trip to California.” “Mhm...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As already mentioned, ‘Yellow Submarine’ is a song by the Beatles - and quite a catchy song, so don’t say I didn’t warn you if you didn’t know the song before, got curious and want to listen to it. 
> 
> One of the quirks of Roach is that sometimes, for some strange reasons, she winds up dancing on roofs. At least Roach always comes when Ellie whistles for her, no matter how far apart both horse and rider are - as long there isn’t an insurmountable obstacle between them, such as a low fence or stray piece of wood.


	9. Chapter 9

Ellie was in a relatively good mood. Playing with JJ had been as fun as she’d imagined it before and her relationship with his mother had greatly improved, too - it was almost as if JJ was some kind of matchmaker for Ellie and Dina. Thanks to JJ Ellie and Dina saw each other very much more often than before and Dina always seemed to be fond of the way Ellie was using her knowledge she got from comic, fantasy, science fiction and actual science books combined with her imagination when she answered the never ending questions of JJ or played games with him - not to mention making music together. 

Even though he didn’t seem to remember that Ellie had been his mum for a while when he had been a baby, JJ seemed to like and trust Ellie - another bonus point for Dina - and even the relationship with Marian had somewhat improved. Just like JJ’s mother his grandmother seemed to think that Ellie became a more or less positive influence in JJ’s life and that Abby wasn't worth keeping up grudges and making meetings even more awkward than they already were. 

What lightened up Ellie's mood, too was that with the calendrical beginning of spring the temperatures had raised to way more mild temperatures and while the weather still was fitful it was better than the almost constant sleet in the weeks before. Of all the four seasons Ellie liked the winter least - most of her very worst experiences she had during winter - and one of the things that still dampened Ellie’s mood was the anniversary of Jesse’s death, still only a couple weeks ago. With the heavily injured Tommy and the injuries Ellie and Dina had for themselves it hadn’t been possible for them to carry Jesse’s body back to Jackson, so they were forced to leave him behind in Seattle. Nonetheless Jesse had got his own grave close to the graves of his grandparents and even though their relationship had somewhat improved Marian’s eyes still were very reproachful if she’d visited her son's memorial and met Ellie soon after that. 

Still Ellie’s mood was good enough to not feel very much troubled about the fact that of all people Adam had chosen her to check someone for deployability - someone with whom Ellie still had a very complicated relationship with - if there was even something that could be described as a relationship.

“So they declared you ready for patrols and forays, again?” “Yes, actually quite some time ago - I only did shorter patrols until now, with you I’m doing the first longer one.” “‘Kay.” “I thought Adam briefed you about my... history?” “He only told me that you seemed to be fit for action, again and I’m supposed to keep an eye on you, checking that you’re capable of longer patrols, too.” “Physiotherapy really helped me, combined with additional training in the gym - Thea is really good with that kind of stuff and helped me with my training routine.” “What about your aches and pains?” “Not gone but got better, I don’t even need pain medication anymore - yoga and meditation actually helped me with that.” “Yoga and meditation?” “Don’t look so skeptical, Ellie - at first I had my doubts, too, but they were gone soon after I started doing it.” “Mhm...”

For a while they rode in silence next to each other until Cat spoke, again. “So any changes in the plan we made in the meeting yesterday? I saw you and Adam having a short last conversation before we started our patrol?” “We’re supposed to check a house we’ll pass during our patrol. The last patrol using our route reported some strange sounds coming from there, either caused by some Infected or just a couple of animals.” “Shouldn’t we be... more to check out the potential danger? I mean we’re only two and if there’s a Bloater or a horde of Clickers in the house...” “We’re only supposed to check it - it’s even possible that there’s nothing anymore. The patrol that reported the sounds was on the road during beastly weather and it’s already almost a week ago when they were here.” “So it’s possible that if something was in the house it left and is roaming around...” “We’ve to be careful all the time, anyway and if you’re too scared of the potential danger you shouldn’t do patrols.” “I’m not scared, I’m just... careful - and there’s no reason to snap at me like that!” “It’s a valid objection and now shut up - we don’t want to overhear possible danger because we’re distracting ourselves with unnecessary chatting.” “I’m beginning to understand why Adam promoted you to Captain so quickly, Miss Joel.” “Haha, very funny...” 

The house turned out to be completely empty except for some fresh traces - some claw marks and even tuft of brown fur - that most likely belonged to a bear. “So they heard something indeed, but it was only a bear that’s gone by now and luckily none Infected.” Cat said and Ellie nodded in agreement. “Still something to be careful about - usually the bears won’t attack us as long as we don’t bother them, but they’re dangerous animals nonetheless, especially if they’re hungry, hurt or otherwise under stress.” “You seem to have more respect from bears than Clickers, Bloaters and the other more dangerous variations of the Infected.” “Bears and other wild animals are less predictable than Infected. Let’s get moving, again - here’s nothing more to see or collect and there’s no reason to waste more time than necessary.” 

When they reached the last watchpost they were supposed to visit on their patrol and where they would stay the night before travelling back to Jackson it was already late afternoon. Except for a couple Runners, that had been lurking in the backyard of a house close to the main road, the patrol had been positively uneventful so far even though it was more than a week ago by now since the last patrol had followed that route. 

“Ugh - I’m completely stiff, have to get used to sitting all day long in the saddle, again.” Cat groaned while she descended from her horse and Ellie nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I know that feeling and I’m a bit stiff, too. Let’s get the horses into the garage-stable, do our first check of the surroundings and then have a break - I think we earned it.” 

A while later Ellie sat at one of the windows of the large house that was used as a watchpost and was eating one of the sandwiches she had brought herself as proviant while looking out of the windows and checking the surroundings. Cat was downstairs, doing some kind of yoga workout to make herself flexible again, as she had phrased it and even though Ellie knew and did her own few stretching exercises after a long ride she still found it ridiculous after watching Cat for a few minutes before going upstairs.

Even though they tried to keep everything as neutral, professional and impersonal as possible, it was still a pretty awkward atmosphere during the patrol and since their departure from Jackson Ellie was looking forward to the end of the patrol so she wouldn’t have to be around her ex-girlfriend any longer. It wasn’t only because of the many things they’d thrown at each other when they separated, but because Ellie felt reminded of the patrols they had done together - especially the stuff they weren’t supposed to do on patrols - and when she thought of the face Cat sometimes showed Ellie suspected that Cat felt and thought similar, too. 

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow? Just straight back to Jackson or do you want to take a detour to somewhere - for example to one of the book stores, the music store or other places you like to stop by?” Cat asked when she joined Ellie and started to look out of the windows with her binoculars, too. “We should head straight back to Jackson, of course. However Adam wouldn’t mind if we check some additional streets as an additional precaution and I happen to know one that’s not too far off our way and where a big book store is with a well sorted section of comic books, graphic novels - and mangas, what you’re interested in, I think?” “Yes, I still like to read them and I totally agree - if we’re close anyway we should check out the store, just to make sure that there aren’t any vicious animals or Infected.” “Exactly!” 

Cat showed a weak smile. “I’d appreciate it if we’d do the short detour - I’m in dire need for new material.” “Yeah, I’d like to read some new stuff, too - we only have to make sure that we won’t stay there for too long so we won’t return too late to Jackson. Adam is tolerating slight detours as long they don’t take too long or are too dangerous and I don’t want to lose certain liberties for my patrols because I overstrained Adam’s nerves.” “Mhm...” 

_ Twelve... Eleven... Ten... Nine... Ignition sequence starts... Six... Five... Four... Three... Two... One... Zero... All engine running! _

With a loud roar the giant powerful engines start to push the spaceship up to the skies and Ellie has the feeling as if a giant hand would press her into her seat, the g-suit she’s wearing under her space suit reducing the strain but not completely neutralising it. 

_ Liftoff! We have a liftoff! Thirty-two minutes past the hour, liftoff on Space Patrol Eleven...  _

The whole launching procedure is automatised and thanks to the high redundancy - triple modular redundancy is standard, the most critical systems have even additional backup components - the whole process is extremely reliable. Nonetheless it is Ellie’s job to monitor the flight instruments and react appropriately in case of a failure - in case of a catastrophic failure it is Ellie’s responsibility to immediately take over control and steer the spacecraft manually back to Earth for an emergency landing.

_ Main engines throttling down to sixty seven percent of rated performance for reducing the stress on the spacecraft - how’s looking up there? _ “Everything’s looking good and how it's supposed to be. Do you notice anything unregular, Maria?”  _ No, everythings looks good in the mission control center, too. Continue your climb, the autopilot is going to change the heading in exactly forty seconds and will bring you close to the International Space Station, you only have to do the docking manoeuvre manually this time because currently the ISS is close to some space debris and we don’t want to risk anything. _ “‘Kay.” 

“Damn space scrap!” Joel exclaimes, who sits behind Ellie on the left and is supposed to make use of the spacecraft’s weaponry in case of an unfriendly encounter with someone or something. “Yeah and if I recall it correctly Maria wants to send out some salvage crews again, soon.” “As soon as the weather is more stable, again. While the small patrol spacecrafts are small and nimble, the larger garbage spaceships need good weather for launching and especially landing when they’re full and heavy with all that space scrap they collected before.” Dina says, their flight engineer and who sits behind Ellie on the right. “Yeah, hopefully the weather is getting better, soon - that was quite a rough climb we just had... and we’re starting to turn now and following the course we’ve set before our launch. Everything is still looking good even though we’re quite fast...”  _ Yes, I’d recommend throttling down to sixty percent so you’ve to decelerate less when reaching the ISS. _ “Reducing power to sixty percent, check.” 

Just as most of the other legs of the space flight, the docking on the ISS is usually an automatic procedure and Ellie always feels glad about getting a - relatively uncritical opportunity - for hand flying the spacecraft. So Ellie is looking forward to doing the docking manoeuvre manually this time, even though it could be quite the tedious procedure, depending on the direction from which they’re approaching the ISS. 

But Ellie manages to do the docking manoeuvre in one smooth turn and only has to do some slight positional corrections before the spacecraft finally locks into place. “Good maneuvering even though you’ve been lucky, too - that was quite a sharp turn and if you would have missed the docking point you’d have to do the complete approach, again.” Joel says and Ellie rolls her eyes. “That was one of the STARs when approaching the ISS from bottom left and you know that except for the very final docking process I just followed the glideslope. You just trust the autopilot more than me...” “I’ve full confidence in your ability to fly - you’re just flying quite risky at times.” “As you know I’m always carefully risky! Now let’s deliver the goods into the ISS and continue our patrol sooner than later...” “Yeah, we’ve got plans for tonight, hehe.” Dina says, smiling mischievously and Joel, now looking slightly embarrassed, just defensively raises his hands. “Spare me the details - I’d rather not think about what you’re doing with my baby girl, Dina.” “I’m sitting right here!” Ellie exclaimes, feeling embarrassed now, too and to end the awkward situation she quickly shoos both Joel and Dina out of the cockpit. 

The current occupants of the International Space Station are Cat, a pilot and engineer who’s trained for doing spacewalks, Jesse, an engineer who’s supposed to keep the ISS running and Tommy, the current commander and trained for using the various weaponry of the ISS to defend the space station from attackers until support arrives. 

While the relationship with Cat is more than awkward and both always try to deal with each other as professionally as possible - so basically ignoring each other - Ellie is happy to see Tommy and Jesse, again. “Yeah, it’s good to see you, El... and please be careful! I know that floating around in zero gravity is always fun, but there is a lot of stuff to break here and doing repairs is always quite a tedious work!” “Don’t worry, I’m always careful!” Ellie exclaims with a broad smile while doing a backflip and Joel, who has never been a big fan of weightlessness, clings on one of the many handles. “We carried the goods straight into the storeroom...” “Thank you, we’ll unpack and sort them after your departure.” “So what did you do, that Maria punishes you with a two month stay on the ISS?” Ellie asks grinning and Tommy rolls his eyes while giving Ellie a pat against the arm that makes both of them drift until they hold onto one of the handles, again. “I didn’t do anything - I’m up here by my own accord! Well of course I’d rather be down in Jackson, again after being up here for so long now, but I’ve to defend the ISS in case of an attack until reinforcements arrive. The various space pirate organisations are getting more and more aggressive and then there’s that newly encountered alien race that started to see humans as a delicacy, unfortunately. Even though they don’t seem to be very intelligent they’re dangerous creatures nonetheless and they exist in surprising many variations. Some can see and attack everything they notice, others are blind and orientate themselves with terrible clicks and then there are large ones and you need a BFG to kill them. But what all of them have in common is their screech when they attack you. A screech that always reminds me of the Nazgûl and makes my flesh crawl...” 

It was a distant screech and not even very loud, but it was still enough for Ellie to awake with a start and immediately crouching to the open window, holding in her hands the rifle she had laid next to her mattress ready to be used before going to sleep. From the other side of the room Ellie heard Cat snoring, who was actually supposed to be awake and watching while Ellie rested instead of sleeping. Then Ellie heard the screech of a Clicker, again - not too far away and, if she interpreted the sounds correctly, chasing something. 

“Cat - wake up!” Ellie hissed and actually had to repeat herself a bit louder before Cat finally woke up. “Thanks for the cake... wait what? Ellie?” “Get your sleepy ass over here, I heard something!” 

As it turned out a group of a Clicker and two Stalkers were hunting a group of deers through the streets close to the house that served as a watchpost and where Ellie and Cat were staying. But the deers were fast and untiring and managed to escape successfully and the three infected creatures angrily screeched into the direction of the nearby forest where the deers had disappeared. 

Together it wasn’t much of a challenge to kill the three Infected who were now roaming around, looking and listening for other potential prey. As far as Ellie could tell from distance Cat didn’t seem to have problems with sneaking around anymore and after both of them killed the two Stalkers silently by stabbing them, Ellie sneaked upon the Clicker and stabbed it, too before looking over to Cat. “You alright?” “Yes, what about you?” “I’m fine. We’d make sure that there aren’t any more Infected lurking around here - let’s get back to the watchpost, when it’s getting brighter we’re gonna shoot at the marked targets, again and see if something turns up or those three Infected just travelled a far distance by their own while hunting those deers.” 

Tommy had the idea of shooting from a safe distance with silenced weapons on special targets which were not only walls, doors or windows but specifically mounted items that made additional noise when they got hit by a bullet or arrow. Usually those items were empty cans, old but still squeaky toys, a bell or a gong and the items were placed at locations around the watchpost where it was easy to hit them. It was a relatively efficient and undangerous way of luring Infected out of their hideouts and just shooting them from distance instead of searching buildings and risking close combat. 

But not a single Infected turned up when Ellie and Cat shot at various targets and since both of them wanted to do a slight detour on their way back to Jackson they didn’t stay for much longer at the watchpost and left after a quick breakfast. 

“Awesome - I found perfectly preserved editions of volume two and five of the Akira series! Of course I already have all six volumes, but unfortunately they weren’t in the best state when I found them and especially the water damage made quite a lot of pages almost unreadable.” Cat said and Ellie nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I know that problem - I love it if I find a missing issue of a comic series, but water, fire or other sort of damages are too severe to read them properly. What about this Ghost in the Shell series - it looks cool, I think?” “I’ve already read it, thank you - but you’d check it out, too. The series contains three volumes and is a possible post-cyberpunk future - you know with cyberbrains, various kinds of prostheses, ultimately leading to cyborgs...” “I’d like being a cyborg - I’d have machine guns in my arms, special eyes with night vision, a few processors in my brain for enhanced mathematical skills...” 

Cat had an amused smirk on her lips when she looked at Ellie. “Oh yes, Miss Calculator - you know the weirdest physical formulas but God beware if you’ve to do mental calculation.” “Yeah... oh look - here’s a hardcopy sonderedition of a couple issues with Wonder Woman during the Bronze Age... mhm... I think I already have two... three of them, but not the other ones...” 

Cat shrugged while she looked at the book in Ellie’s hands. “Take it with you if you’ve enough space in your backpack - it looks nice and interesting, but unfortunately it’s quite large.” “Yeah, but it’s in a really good shape and as you said it, too it looks really nice...” “What about you’d eat the rest of your provisions and give me the box with emergency ammunation so you’ve more space in your backpack.” “Really? Thank you - I appreciate it.” “Well it’s not entirely selfless because I’d like to take a look into the sonderedition because I like Wonder Woman, too.” “Yeah, sure, no problem. But what about you? Do you still have enough space in your backpack for your manga comics if you pack the box with the additional ammunition?” “Fortunately those books are way much smaller than your giant sonderedition with additional introduction of the editor and other bonus stuff. Oh - look, the fifth volume of Hellsing that I don’t have, yet! I already have the first seven volumes except for the fifth one so I really was looking for it, not to mention the last three volumes - maybe they’re here somewhere, too...”

Of course Ellie and Cat stayed much longer in the book store than they originally wanted and when they finally arrived in Jackson - both of them with new reading material in their backpacks - they were the last patrol that returned. “Sorry, took a little longer than expected - we ran into a couple of Runners we’d to take care of on our way back to Jackson.” Ellie said and didn’t feel any shame for telling Adam that the incident with the Runners had been today during their way back and not yesterday, as it would’ve been the truth. 

“How did the Runners look? Did they wear something remarkable or seemed otherwise familiar?” “Not that I noticed... if I recall it correctly they were late-stage Runners, one already had some fungus growing out of his head even though it wasn’t enough to call him a Stalker, yet.” “Then it wasn’t the group I was thinking of - there’s a group of traders missing, they were supposed to arrive here last week and nobody saw or heard of them, not even the traders that arrived this morning and who are usually very well informed.” “Maybe they’ve been lucky in the circumstances and just died instead of turning.” “That’s what we’re hoping because it’s highly unlikely by now that at this point they’re still alive and just got lost. Anything else worth mentioning except for the group of Infected and the house that had got visited by a bear?” “During the night we noticed a Clicker and two Stalkers hunting a group of deers. We took care of those three and couldn’t find any other Infected, but we don’t know from where they came. I’d also mention that in the last watchpost the ammunation for the airguns we used for shooting on the noise traps is getting low.” “Good to know - the next patrol going there is going to bring some additional munition. What about Catherine’s performance?” “As far as I can tell everything went well - Cat didn’t show any problems when we killed the Runners silently one by one without alarming the others. The same with the Clicker and two Stalkers during the night and otherwise she did what she was supposed to do without any trouble.” “Good. You’re dismissed, tomorrow is your day off, I’m expecting you in two days at nine sharp in my office to discuss your plan of action for the next two weeks.” “‘Kay.” 

“So what did you tell him?” The now slightly nervously looking Cat asked and Ellie shrugged. “That you were fine and that you’re ready for longer patrols. I mean you actually were so I wasn’t lying about that, but I won’t be the only one who’s gonna rate you, so keep up, don’t fall asleep when you’re supposed to watch and then you’re gonna be a full-member of the patrol-team in no time, again.” “Hopefully...”

The patrol with Cat didn’t turn out to be as bad as Ellie had feared before - in fact especially in the book store it had been quite fun and reminded Ellie of one of the reasons why they’ve got together in the first place. Nonetheless there was still a weird, awkward atmosphere between them and Ellie was relieved that the patrol was done and she didn’t have to deal with her ex-girlfriend any longer.

But at least she hadn’t been alone during the patrol and a somewhat awkward atmosphere was still better than the loneliness Ellie always felt when she entered her small house - all by her own without any visitors. Surely Ellie could distract herself from the feeling of loneliness by reading something, watching a movie or playing with the playstation. Still the loneliness was always lurking in the back of her head, close to the knowledge of what could have been if Ellie hadn’t taken the decision to make a certain trip to California and while she appreciated it that Dina let Ellie be a part of her and JJ’s life and they’ve grown closer, again it still felt distant, especially compared to the closeness they’ve had before. 

After a long hot shower Ellie decided to not brood about her miserable social life and wrong life choices any longer, but read the new sonderedition with a selection of - at least according to the publisher - the best and most important Wonder Woman comics, instead. 

It was one thing to find something worth spending the evening, but something entirely when it came to pass the time on a whole day - one of the reasons why Ellie barely asked for a free day on her own. Still free days were important for personal recovery and getting new strength for the almost always exhausting patrols and Ellie tried to use those days as efficiently as possible. 

On her free days JJ often visited Ellie for longer times than just a couple hours in the evenings, she visited the cemetery or did shooting training at the firing range. Sometimes Ellie met with Maria or Tommy, occasionally Linda - because most of the time Ellie visited her after finishing patrols when the day was done anyway - or did other errands such as letting someone fix her clothes, visit the Jackson Library or just doing chores, something Ellie always was deferring as long as possible. 

Today Ellie had arranged a meeting with Tommy at the cemetery before midday and when she arrived there she saw him alreading standing in front of Joel’s grave and waving at her, a crooked smile on his face. “Look who finally got herself out of bed!” “You’re the right person to blame me - you look as if you didn’t even comb your hair before walking over here!” “That’s part of my rugged look - Maria told me that with this look I look younger, cooler and sexier.” “Really?” “Yes - even though I had way less grey hair back then when she told me that, to be honest.” “I can imagine that - now you just look old.” “Charming as usual, kiddo. How was patrol yesterday?” “Fine - I found a new sonderedition of Wonder Woman comics at that book store close to the route you use if you’re checking the east sector.” “I know which store you’re talking about - I actually got a couple of presents for Maria, there, too. I reckon you didn’t mention your little detour to Adam?” “Of course not, but it’s not like it isn’t an open secret, anyway. Literally every patrol is doing more or less big detours and as long as nothing happens nobody minds.” “Yes, as long as nothing happens.” “We’re always careful, don’t worry.” 

Tommy chuckled. “Yeah, I know - you’re just carefully risky by doing a detour for getting comic books or whatever stuff you’re looking for.” “That’s basically my life motto.” “Did anything interesting happen? How was it, doing patrol with your ex?” “Better than expected, mostly because of the comic and manga books.” “Yes, yes, she’s into those weird japanese comics...” “They’re not weird, just a different genre .” “Mhm... Joel is going to have a new... neighbour, by the way.” “Who?” “Karen, the old woman who used to be one of the teachers in the Jackson School, passed away a couple days ago, died peacefully in her sleep, I heard. Gerric, the cemetery’s gardener, told me that she’s getting the cemetery plot over there, next to the grave of Robert who didn’t survive wrestling with a boar.” “Yeah, I remember that - didn’t they eat the meat of the boar that killed Robert on his funeral feast?” “Yeah, exactly that kind of morbid humor I like.” “Me too...” “But talking about Karen, again - she was a devout woman and her family is quite faithful, too so if you run into them while visiting Joel’s or Jesse’s graves, just play along and don’t tell them your actual non-existent religious views.” “Don’t worry, I won’t tell them that I think that it’s over after death and there’s no such thing as an afterterlife, heaven and hell or what else people are believing - even though I’ve the slight hope that when my times comes Death or his granddaughter Susan are going to visit and accompany me into the great desert that lies between this world and the afterlife.” 

Tommy chuckled, again. “Yeah, better you keep your mouth shut because even though they’re nice people I don’t think that Karen’s relatives are that humorous.” “It’s not like you’re that religious, either.” “Well - I only can hope that everything’s gonna be over for me after doing my last breath because... if not I’m either going straight to hell, reborn as a cockroach or something similar displeasure that happens to bad people.” “C’mon, you aren’t... that bad. We all did bad stuff to survive and...” Ellie said but Tommy, now showing a sad smile, raised his hands. “Trust me - Joel and I both did stuff - a lot of stuff - that gives you a direct ticket into hell. But enough of that talking - whatcha think about how Joel’s grave looks?” “Maybe a bit bland? It’s the beginning of spring and even though we’re trying to keep it modest Joel’s grave looks monotonous and boring compared to the other graves with lots of flowers and other colourful decorations.” “Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking, too. But which flowers should we choose?” 

Ellie defensively raised her hands. “Why are you looking at me like that? Being female doesn’t mean having some kind of flower gene or something like that - regarding flowers I’m just as uncreative as you! But I’d say we go for a walk around the cemetery, look at other graves and maybe we see something we like. Or are you too old for a short walk around the cemetery, now?” “If you get me my rollator I think I’ll be able to follow you.” “I mean while we’re looking at other graves you’d start looking for your own place here, too. Ideally closer to the central places with bins and watering cans than Joel’s grave is - it’s annoyingly enough to walk a mile for refilling the watering can when taking care of Joel’s grave, so if you...” “Haha, very funny - I knew that you’d say that and I actually already chose a place where I’d like to stay. You see that free spot over there, straight under that tree?” “I thought you wanted the sun shining on your final resting place?” “I can live with less sunlight if I can annoy you with lots of leaves on my grave you’ve to sweep away, then.” “No surprise you’re sure that you’re going straight to hell - because I’d drag you there personally if you actually choose that spot! Now c’mon, let's start our tour around the cemetery - if we don’t take too much time here we’ll be back in town before rush hour starts and we'd have to wait in long queues for our lunch.” “Yeah, you’re right - maybe we’re lucky and even get some of the wild meat. Just a couple of days ago I was really unlucky because after waiting for more than fifteen minutes, just when I was about to get my food, they were out of the nice venison and I’d to get one of the ordinary pig steaks.” “Yeah, that happened to me more than once, too and I absolutely hate it when that happens... awesome, now I’m hungry, just thinking about a good roast venison.” 

Tommy nodded in agreement. “Yeah, me too - whatcha think about that we get us some lunch, first and take a walk around the cemetery, later? Or do you already have plans for the afternoon?” “Except for reading and playing some games, sadly no other plans...” “Then let’s go, we can continue planning Joel’s grave, later.”


	10. Chapter 10

If someone would ask her for her least favored season of the year Ellie would answer the winter, not only because during that season many of her most traumatic experiences had happened, but because it was cold, damb and dark, too. 

But the summer - basically the opposite of winter - wasn’t Ellie's favorite season, in fact on her personal list with the four seasons summer was on the third place with autumn and spring on the first two places. While Ellie hated the coldness of the winter she didn’t like the hotness during the summer, either - and after more than two weeks of hot days and warm nights, which didn’t really cool down before the start of the next day, Ellie was about to change the ranking and place the summer on the very last spot, even after the winter. 

While the air conditioning in the houses usually kept the temperatures inside at tolerable levels there was basically no way of escaping the heat during patrols. Because of the heat the patrol schedule already had been changed, so patrols would start very early in the morning and they were shorter so everyone was back before midday when it started to become too hot to stay outside longer than necessary. However it was necessary to do longer patrols occasionally and they were done during the night in larger groups than usually so more people were able to react if suddenly a group of Infected attacked, hiding in the darkness before. 

While the improvised schedule of the patrols was only logical because of the hot temperatures during the day, the big downside was that by doing night shifts a normal sleep schedule wasn’t possible and Ellies course of the day was basically coming back from a patrol during midmorning, staying inside the climated house and rest until late evening before starting the next patrol. 

“Wow, you know it’s really hot when even Ellie starts to wear short trousers.” Dina said smiling and Ellie shrugged while taking a bite from her sandwich. “Yeah - they’re more practical if you want to put your feet in cold water for cooling down a bit. Yes, thanks to the air conditioner it’s temperature-controlled in here, but I don’t let it cool down as ice cold as you do in your place so I don’t have to deal with such a big temperature difference when leaving the house. What I’m trying to say is that while it’s climated in here it’s warmer than usual, nonetheless - too warm for my usual long trousers.” “You know you’d wear a skirt or just like me a dress, too? I think a dress would look amazing on you, maybe that...” “No, thank you - too airy for my liking.” “That's kinda the point, you know?” “I never wore a skirt or dresses or such stuff and I don’t think they suit me very well, so no thank you. But you look nice in your dress - where’d you get that?” “I found the dress in one of the clothing stores south of Jackson, back in the day when I was doing patrols. It was actually a bit large first, but with the help of my mother I did some needlework and now the dress fits almost perfectly.” 

Dina wore a light, green dress with a lot of different coloured flowers stitched into it - and Ellie knew Dina’s body shape well enough to immediately notice that Dina wasn’t wearing anything under that form-fitting dress that barely reached her knees. Not that it surprised Ellie - after all she got rid of that, especially during the hot temperatures, annoying bra, too - but at least Ellie wore a normal t-shirt while Dina had to pay attention if she didn’t want to show more of her chest then she wanted. 

“Thanks for bringing me lunch, by the way. You spared me walking to one of the snack bars, so thank you for that.” “No problem, I wanted to check in with you anyway.” “Eh... thank you?” “First you’d help me with JJ - he asked me recently why you’re doing patrols during the night because he thought that the spaceships you’re using for your patrols are temperature-controlled, meaning it shouldn’t be an issue doing patrols even though it’s hot outside. Not to mention that apparently in space it’s cold anyway and... I gotta be honest, I couldn’t find an explanation that fitted with the funny stories about your space patrols...” “Just tell him that the sun is currently burning hotter than usual and the heat shields of our spaceships aren’t that strong so we’ve to use a timeframe when there’s a bit less heat and radiation coming from the sun.” “Ah... well that actually sounds like a somewhat logical explanation so I’m gonna tell him that. Then I wanted to tell you that you’d allow yourself a break - you’re doing patrols nine times in a row now and just by looking at your shadows under the eyes I can tell that you’re in desperate need for a break.” “I’m fine, really - just a ruined sleep cycle, nothing more. It’s not like there’s that much else to do, anyway...” “You’d visit us, for starters. JJ actually asked when he’d play with space-Ellie, again and his grandparents would like to see you again, too - it’s been more than a month by now since you visited them.” “Mhm...” “And then there’s our little project...” “Oh I didn’t forget that, don’t worry - I actually already made a few sketches I can show you later if you’re interested.” “Of course I’m interested - that was a fantastic idea you had and I’d very much like it if we’d finish that project before JJ’s birthday in autumn.”

Ellie didn’t know what kind of relationship she and Dina had, but Ellie was relatively sure that Dina actually enjoyed spending time with her, again. Dina didn’t even seem opposed to being too close to Ellie anymore and didn’t make distance if Ellie more or less accidentally touched Dina’s hand, arm or got similar close to her. More than once Dina had told Ellie that her trust issues were the reason why she didn’t want to restart their committed relationship, but she didn’t seem completely opposed against it anymore and Ellie still had hope to restart things with her, again. 

So while Ellie was not only trying to act trustworthy, she looked for ways of spending time with Dina and one of her ideas had been making a comic together for JJ - Dina writing text and story and Ellie drawing the pictures. Dina immediately had been excited of that project and they already had agreed on some kind of space comic that showed Ellie’s - peaceful - adventures during her space patrols. 

Before the planning for a self-made comic as an additional shared activity Ellie and Dina had watched movies together occasionally - if Dina chose the movie it was some kind of comedy usually while Ellie preferred more action-packed movies - and even went swimming in the nearby lake, once - Ellie still was thinking about how hot Dina had looked in that swimsuit. They played together on Ellies playstation videogames and with JJ board games, Dina helped Ellie fixing her clothes because she was better with sewing and stitching while Ellie regularly repaired toys JJ had accidentally broken because Ellie was quite creative with improvised fixes on those toys that were often not exactly designed to be repairable since obviously the parents were supposed to buy new toys for their children instead of repairing the old ones. 

There was a thing that Dina always loved to attend while Ellie had quite the opposite opinion about it - parties and other festive activities. Ellie couldn’t specifically tell why she hated feasts and other social activities with a lot of happy, often drunk people who were dancing to music, but she knew that she’d rather stay inside the peaceful silent walls of her own room instead. Of course Dina knew of Ellie’s reluctance for visiting parties or the various feasts which were held in Jackson so usually she didn’t try to pester Ellie anymore with visiting those kinds of social activities. But when Ellie first heard of an upcoming event she immediately knew how to get some additional bonus points with Dina and decided to go for it, even though Ellie knew that most likely she wouldn’t enjoy it very much.

“Eh, what I actually wanted to talk about with you, is... eh...” Ellie, who had finished her sandwich by now, awkwardly cleared her throat before she continued speaking “...is the party in two days. I heard that there’s some kind of music party in the disco and I thought we’d attend it. Well - I’m sure you’re gonna attend it anyway, but I thought I’d join you?” With wide eyes Dina looked surprised but very delighted at Ellie. “Are you serious? That’d be so amazing - it’s literally ages since we attended a party together!” “Yeah, I know...” “You don’t have to - I know that you’re quite the opposite of a party-goer - but I’d be really happy if you’d come, too!” “Well, I’m glad to hear that... I already talked with Adam and he’s giving me a free day and... well, we’ll see how it’s gonna be.” “It’s gonna be fun! Steph is gonna be the DJ and she told me that she’s gonna do a broad mix of various songs with focus on rock music - I’m sure you’re gonna like the music for once!” “Eh, yeah I know about the music. I mean Cat told me about the party, to be honest and apparently she and Steph are kind of getting together or something and she wants to help Steph with her DJ stuff or something like that.” 

Ellie knew that Dina loved gossip and wasn’t surprised when her eyes widened. “Really? That’s... interesting, when did she tell you that?” “A couple nights ago, during one of the pee breaks. I mean we were already done, it’s not like we’re peeing together or something like that, don’t get me wrong, eh... we were waiting for the old guys who always take forever doing their business. Can you believe that of all people Cat actually asked me for advice on what she’d wear to that party?”

Dina raised both of her eyebrows and seemed very amused while looking at Ellie. “Wow Cat must be really nervous - what did you tell her?” “That I don’t know shit about fashion and that Steph doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who’s very much interested in clothes, either.” “I’d be actually happy for Steph if she and Cat work out because Steph's been looking for someone since quite some time.” “Didn’t she have a thing for Rachel?” “We all had a crush on Rachel - before her horrible death she used to be the coolest and especially hottest girl in Jackson and could’ve worked as a model before the Outbreak - so that doesn’t mean anything.” “I actually was surprised when I heard that Steph does DJ-stuff, too. I mostly knew her from our DnD-sessions where she’s usually the dungeon master and she has a really awesome comic collection at home she showed me a couple of times.” “Yeah, I know that she does this DnD-stuff, I played it a couple of times with you and the others, too. Oh, that’s interesting - Talia is gonna love hearing that news!” 

Again Ellie awkwardly cleared her throat. “I don’t know how... serious and especially public the relationship between Cat and Steph is, so...” “Don’t worry, I’ll keep my mouth shut so the news won’t be discussed by everyone in Jackson tomorrow.” “Thank you.” “I’m sure it’s gonna be fun, don’t worry - and we’re absolutely gonna dance together! My peers teached me some really cool new moves - and it’d be something different to your robot-dance or how it can be described as what you consider dancing, hehe.” “No surprise that the electricians always take forever with their work because they’re doing literally everything except for, you know, working.” “I knew you’d say that and I can’t deny that! However a good working atmosphere is essential and you’re the right person to blame me - you, who is always doing detours to book stores and other places!” “Those detours always have a reason, mostly because we want to clear a building or just check the surroundings. It’s just coincidentally that often a book store or something similar is nearby when we’re doing those detours.” “Very coincidentally, indeed!” Dina said smiling while Ellie looked amused, but with a little disbelief, too at her. “You electricians are actually dancing during your shifts?” “Sometimes, when we’re bored or during a break. While it’s not a mind-numbing work we’re doing, it can get monotonous at times and having fun together makes the shifts shorter and is usually uplifting, too.” “Mhm...” 

Not even under the most gruesome torture Ellie would have admitted to anyone about how much she had thought about what she should wear on that party - in fact Ellie was sure that she never had thought so much about what she should wear before and felt quite embarrassed about herself because of that. It wasn’t that Ellie wanted to impress Dina with her outfit, but more of the question that she didn’t want to send the wrong message. On the one hand Ellie wanted to look casual as someone would look who wasn’t overthinking things, but on the other hand Ellie wanted to show Dina that she considered the evening important enough to consider what she should wear and ideally indicate her interest in something more than just a casual evening of two friends meeting on a party. Of course Dina knew that Ellie wanted to restart their committed relationship and she had every reason to have doubts about it. However more and more Ellie got the impression that Dina seemed at least open to the possibility of getting together, again and while she didn’t want to ruin anything by pushing too hard, Ellie didn’t want to blame herself if things wouldn’t work out with Dina, but could have if she just had tried harder. 

Ellie didn’t need Linda for the knowledge that there were other women in Jackson Ellie could possibly have a relationship with and it was actually her self esteem that forbade Ellie to make herself completely depend on Dina. However Dina was not only very pretty, Ellie actually enjoyed Dina’s usually happy mood, that she always said what was on her mind and that they understood each other well enough to make fun of each other without hurting the other. Dina always knew how to cheer up Ellie, had funny and quirky ideas for spending time together and was one of those persons who didn’t embarrass themselves while acting completely silly. Dina knew how to push Ellie to leave her turtle shell and do activities Ellie originally didn’t want to do but eventually enjoyed, Dina was creative in bed, an amazing cook and always knew where in Jackson something possibly interesting was planned. Even though they had some varied interests, of course - while Ellie didn’t care much for fashion or parties, Dina wasn’t overly interested in space or drawing something for herself - but they had a lot of stuff they were both interested in and enjoyed doing together - movies, books, games, doing stuff together and sometimes just dreaming of a Cordyceps-free world. 

Dina was not only in the loop about Ellie’s big secret, too - something that had ruined Ellie’s relationship with Cat - but able to make jokes about it, too and of course there was JJ, Dina’s and Jesse's son. Even though she hadn’t been involved at all in the making of him Ellie quickly cared for JJ as if he was her actual son and while raising JJ could be quite the workload and Ellie saw it as a responsibility to help Dina with it, she never experienced it as a burden.

So Ellie still thought that it was worth working for reviving their relationship, especially since Dina seemed as if she was considering it, too and apparently seemed to lose more and more of her trust issues, as she always explained it when for some reason she and Ellie were talking about their complicated relationship.

Eventually Ellie decided to wear one of her nicer lumberjack shirts, a relatively unused and still new looking jeans and gave her current pair of favorite shoes a brush for the first time in weeks. Ellie even trimmed the bush between her legs she had let grow over the last couple of months - she hadn’t seen a point in keeping things short without someone kissing her down there - just in case the evening would go better than Ellie dared to expect before. 

“Hi Ellie - it’s so good to see you! You’re looking good and your shirt has barely any wrinkles - did you finally get the knack of folding your shirts without rumpling them?” “More or less... you look good, too by the way.” “Thank you!” Just like Ellie Dina was dressed casually but wore nicer, less worn looking clothes than usually, too. “Cat’s already here, she’s indeed helping Steph with DJ-stuff, even though I can’t tell exactly what she’s doing there.” “Mhm...” “Wow, someone is obviously in her element - let’s get you some booze to loosen you up and then I’m gonna show and teach you some of my new moves!” 

The evening went nicer than Ellie had expected before. As usual the music was way too loud for Ellie’s sensitive ears even though the earplugs helped her to reduce the noise to a somewhat tolerable level. Thanks to the alcohol Ellie found herself willing to try out at least some of the often ridiculous dance moves Dina was showing her and sometimes, for a brief moment, they got that close that Ellie had to restrain herself to not hug and touch Dina in a way only a girlfriend and not just a normal friend would do. 

“...but damn, if you want it you got moves, El!” “Yeah, I was actually surprised about myself - but I had a good teacher, too!” “The best teacher in Jackson, hehe!” 

After quite some time, when not only Ellie but even Dina started to feel exhausted from the constant dancing, they had decided that it was enough for the night and left the party. Now they were heading home - and to Ellie’s surprise but growing excitement, too not to their respective places, but Dina was following Ellie to her little house in the north of Jackson that was in an entirely different part of Jackson than Dina’s bungalow. 

And they were constantly bumping into each other while they walked towards Ellie’s house. At first it had surprised Ellie because she didn’t feel very tipsy and Dina had barely drank any alcohol - apparently she didn’t want to confuse JJ with a big hangover when she picked him up from his grandparents the next morning. But Ellie quickly got the impression that they bumped into each other more or less coincidently because they walked much closer to each other than they usually did these days - and after a while Ellie even got the impression that Dina was actually enjoying the bumping each other and doing a little joke about it. 

“Oh, look - we’re already at your house!” Almost surprised Ellie looked up to the house and - feeling a sudden rush of nervousness - back to Dina. “Yes, eh...” “You forgot to turn off your bedroom light before you left for the party!” “Huh? Oh, yeah, you’re right... ehm...”

Ellie awkwardly cleared her throat. “Do you want to come in?” “Into your bedroom?” “Yes? I mean no, just coming inside generally! It’s air-conditioned there so we’d be out of that weird warm tropical night as they’re calling it when the temperatures aren’t falling under a certain degree during night. I can offer you something to drink if you’d like...” “Yeah, I’d like that...” “Cool, then let’s go inside! Damn where did I put those effing keys...”

But when they had entered the house and Ellie was about to walk into the kitchen to get each of them a bottle with lemonade, Dina grabbed her hand - and had a thoughtful look on her face while she looked at Ellie. “I’ve been thinking, lately - you know, about us.” “Eh...” “You know that I like you - love you - but... well...” “Your trust issues, don’t worry, I get that.” Ellie said sighing, but Dina showed a crooked smile, now. “Yes, but I’m actually starting to believe that you won’t run away, again. You were finally willing to deal with your way too many issues. You worked for finding yourself again instead of just turning into Joel and... well, at least in front of me you didn’t mention a certain woman for more than half a year, now. What I’m trying to say is that you’ve been successful with convincing me that you’ve got past Abby and moved on, finally.” “Okay... well I’m glad to hear that...” Ellie said and felt her heart beating quicker and quicker while she continued speaking very carefully. “So... does that mean that you’re interested in... you know, reviving our relationship?” “Yes, I actually am!” “Really?” “Really!” Dina said, now seeming amused - most likely because of Ellie’s surprise and disbelief - so Ellie decided to risk it and kiss Dina.

Even though Dina didn’t have shown any signs that she would be against it Ellie still felt surprised when Dina actually returned her kiss instead of retreating. Then they were hugging, the tender embrace turned into a bear hug and when Ellie noticed her hands wandering under Dina’s shirt she suddenly felt another worry. 

“Uh... what I forgot to ask is if you already want... you know...” “Whatcha think why I followed you all the way to your house that is in an entirely different part of Jackson than my place?” “Oh, good, just wanted to make sure...” Ellie mumbled, but got interrupted by another kiss of Dina who now started to meddle with Ellie’s belt. “Let’s go upstairs - it’s gonna be more comfortable on your bed than in the hallway.” “Oh yeah...” 

A few moments later they were kneeling on Ellie’s bed, both completely undressed and facing each other. It wasn’t that Ellie had forgotten how hot Dina was, but while it was one thing to think of Dina’s naked body, it was something entirely different to see - and touch - her in person. “Thank you - charming as usual!” “Mhm what?” “Oh you just mumbled that you’d almost forgotten how hot I look naked!” “Did I say that out loud?” “Yes, you did!” Dina said, smiling while she continued letting her hands roaming around Ellie’s body. “But I’d return the compliment - you’re looking good, way better than last time I saw you naked. You got some much needed weight and especially muscles - damn, I’m almost jealous!” “That’s the side benefit of constantly doing patrols. You know it, too that often enough you’ve to carry heavy stuff, not to mention the constant climbing over obstacles and stuff...” “Yeah, but still...” 

Ellie, who didn’t want to discuss that topic any further, decided to interrupt Dina by kissing her again - and then slowly wandering down with her mouth. “Oh yeah, I missed that... oh and you’re already down there!” “Sorry, impatient...” Ellie mumbled before she continued kissing Dina between her legs. “Oh, yeah, there’s the spot... wait - let’s do a sixty nine! There’s no reason that I’m the only one who gets all the fun...” “I like kissing you...” “Yeah, but that’s only half of the fun - you’d have both, meaning all the fun! C’mon, swing yourself over me...” “Mhm...”

Dina had needed quite some time before she felt ready for a committed relationship with Ellie, again - something that hadn’t surprised Ellie and was completely understandable for her. Even though she had hoped and more or less worked for that she and Dina would get back together, eventually, Ellie still felt surprised when it finally happened - after all the possibility of failing with regaining the necessary trust for restarting their relationship had been higher than being successful. The next surprise for Ellie was not only how quick, but easy and almost on their own things were happening after they got back together, again.

It didn’t take Dina long until she and JJ moved into Ellie’s house in the north of Jackson. Apparently Dina already had been looking for a new larger place for her and the quickly growing JJ because the bungalow, which they had been using until now, was getting too small for them and Dina thought Ellie’s new house the right size for the three of them. For Dina another advantage of the house, in which Ellie had moved just a couple of weeks before, was the quiet location - especially compared to the bungalow that was located on a busy road - and the garden as some kind of personal playground for JJ. 

While Dina’s mother and Jesse’s parents understandably complained that from their perspective Dina was moving away basically into the opposite part of Jackson, overall they seemed to approve of Dina restarting her relationship with Ellie. According to Tommy it had been long overdue that Ellie and Dina got back together after lurking around each other for so long and for Maria it was most important apparently that both Ellie and Dina were happy. As if Ellie and Dina had been a motivation for them, Ellie noticed Maria and Tommy talking more often, again - Tommy even seemed to stay at Maria’s house regularly, again because more and more often, when Ellie visited Maria, she met him there, too. Even though both of them denied being in a committed relationship, again Tommy and especially Maria seemed not opposed to it anymore and Ellie was more than glad that both of them seemed to find back together since she still felt at least partially responsible for their separation because of the many things Ellie had done after Joel’s death and more or less dragged Tommy into it. 

What surprised Ellie, too, was how quickly she and Dina found back to their way of living together before Ellie’s decision to leave for a trip to California - especially who did which of the inevitable chores. Obviously some things were different - JJ was older now and didn’t need to be swaddled regularly anymore and even though she tried to keep her patrols shorter, now Ellie still was gone most of the day while Dina had her work as an electrician, too so they tried to adjust their duty roster in a way that they had the same free days and either in the morning or evenings one of them was at home with JJ. 

Ellie wouldn’t have expected it, too, how quickly JJ adapted to his new living situation. JJ seemed to understand that his mother and Ellie now were together similar to his grandparents Robin and Marian and JJ didn’t seem to mind that Ellie started living with him and his mother. For JJ it seemed most important that he still got the most attention from his mother and as it became obvious very quickly he saw their new living situation as an opportunity for playing more often and longer with Ellie and her many models of spaceships, planets, spacesuits, satellites and other space related stuff she had managed to collect over the years. 

Playing with JJ was something Ellie enjoyed very much and was an additional motivation for her to not only look out for new toys during her patrols, but craft improvised toys, too. In addition to that Ellie and JJ read some of her comics together that had been approved from his mother, before - even though Dina allowed some basic fighting now during Ellie’s and JJ’s games, she still was very strict regarding any kind of violence or other topics she didn’t consider suitable for JJ, yet. 

A somewhat negative consequence - Ellie never would say it loudly but thought it sometimes nonetheless - of the new living situation was that Ellie barely had time and opportunity for playing with the playstation anymore. Dina was very strict about that JJ wasn’t allowed to play any kind of playstation games, yet and to prevent making him curious Ellie wasn’t supposed to play with the playstation when JJ was around. Of course Dina and Ellie played together on the playstation sometimes when JJ had been brought to bed, but usually they only played for a short amount of time because it was already late then and both of them had to get up early the next day. Often enough they watched a movie together instead and since they usually cuddled during the movie which eventually led to having sex together before going to sleep, Ellie could well live with a playstation-free evening - of course sex was something Ellie very much preferred about playing playstation games. 

Living together with Dina and JJ, basically reestablishing their life before her trip to California had been something Ellie had yearned for - and being separated from them as a constant reminder of her actions had been something that had constantly dampened Ellies mood. So when they finally got together, again Ellie felt happy as she didn’t had in a long time - in fact her first relationship with Dina always had been overshadowed by Joel’s death and Ellie’s inability do deal with it properly and now, after she finally had managed to move on, the life with Dina and JJ felt as good as it never had been before. Ellie felt happy, cheerful, was in the mood again to either amuse or annoy people with constant puns and even arranged herself with the fact that while she couldn’t use her immunity for helping with finding a cure against Cordyceps, she still could use the benefit of not turning after getting bitten or breathing spores by doing more dangerous patrols and reduce the danger for her non-immune comrade-in-arms. 

“Sorry, I know I’m late - my bicycle decided to surprise me with a flat tyre this morning and I had to fix it, first before cycling over here.” “Good morning and don’t worry - as you know with you I’m always adding fifteen minutes when I’m expecting you!” 

Ellie decided to answer Maria by making a face while she sat down in front of Maria’s desk. “So now that I’m here - you wanted to talk with me, Adam said yesterday evening when we had the usual talk after I returned from my patrol?” “Yes, I’d like to discuss a few things with you.”

Maria’s amused expression changed to a more serious one while she opened a file that was laying in front of her and feeling slightly worried now, Ellie looked questiongly at her. “Did I do something wrong? Did something happen?” “No, don’t worry, you didn’t do something wrong and nothing happened - at least not yet. It’s good to see you, by the way - and I don’t mean that just as a nice compliment. I didn’t see you looking that good and especially happily since quite some time and I’m glad that you were able to rebuild at least some of the bridges you’ve burned and started a somewhat new life.” “But?” 

Maria showed a crooked smile. “There’s no but - I’m just happy that you managed to turn around your life - you’re very much different now compared to that sad, broken woman that returned from California and as I said it before, I’m happy that you managed to find back to yourself.” “But?” “Well, maybe there’s a catch, but we’re gonna talk about that, later.”

Again Maria showed a more serious face while she looked down at her file, again. “We just have to talk about your future and what you’re going to do next, especially now that you’ve restarted your family with Dina and JJ. You’re one of our best fighters and Adam is probably the only one who’s not particularly happy with your success regarding your family life because just as basically everyone else now you’re asking for more free days and want to do less long patrols than before. Nonetheless Adam still has plans of promoting you to one of his generals, meaning you’d get the authority of acting in command in his place while being outside of Jackson. In fact we - and yes, of course I’m involved in the decision making who’s getting promoted to a general because you’d been following my orders, too - already made concrete plans for your first mission - and it’d be that sort of mission where you’d be out of Jackson for weeks.” “As you said it for yourself my priorities kind of changed indeed, meaning that I’d like to have more time at home and no longer want to be out in the field all the time. So I’m not sure if I’d like to be promoted to a general...” “Just hear me out, please - I’d like to explain to you what we’ve in mind and why not only I and Adam but Tommy, too think that you’re ideal for taking responsibility for that particular mission.” “‘Kay...”   


With raised eyebrows Maria leaned forward. “As you probably noticed you’ve been sent more often on longer patrols to the sectors west of Jackson, even reaching the borders of Idaho.” “Mhm...” “The reason is that we - me and the city council - decided to start the expansion plans we’re planning for quite some time now. Thanks to the hydroelectric power plant we have more than enough electricity and because of the nearby river the necessary water supply isn’t a problem, either. However food supply is becoming more and more of a concern because of the constant growing population and even though we’re already using basically any usable area around Jackson for agriculture, we’ve hit a point that we need more food than we’re able to produce. It’s not only the current food consumption, we have to fill our food storages for the winter and we can’t rely on hunting, anymore - in fact we’ve to start being careful to avoid overhunting the nearby forests to prevent making the surroundings entirely free of wildlife.” “Mhm...” 

Maria spread out a map on her desk and started to point on different locations. “Here’s Jackson, the green marked area west of Jackson is already in Idaho - north of Idaho Falls, to be more precise. Given the circumstances the area is relatively easy-to-reach by this marked road, leading through the mountains and connecting Jackson with the area we chose to use for agriculture. The chosen area had been used for agriculture before the Outbreak and we plan to reuse the already existing facilities.” “Mhm...” “For transport we’re planning to secure the road in a way that we can use convoys of trucks, of course heavily armed - and that brings me to my next point.” “Fuel?” “Yes, not only for the trucks, but the needed agricultural machines, too.”

Maria sighed. “The scientists found some ways of creating biofuel, all more or less efficient and with advantages, but quite a lot of disadvantages, too - the biggest drawback is producing the huge amount of required organic material for creating the needed amount of biofuel. However the scientists found a way of... in lack of better terms I’m describing it as refreshing old fuel and thanks to some old maps, a patrol found coincidentally, we’ve become aware of areas where not only crude oil, but natural gas, too had been produced before the outbreak - we’d reuse the already existing facilities there, too.” “How do you know that those facilities still work?” “We’ve already sent teams out on reconnaissance - you haven’t been part of them because the plans are still classified and as you said it for yourself your priorities regarding your work-life-balance have changed, recently.” 

Now it was Ellie who sighed. “So you’re asking me to help establish those areas.” “Yes and you know it, too, how useful you’d be for us - it’s actually a waste of your skills and knowledge to let you do only patrols and minor forays for checking the surroundings of Jackson - that’s something less experienced and skilled fighters are able to do. Thanks to your various travels you are one of our best fighters when it comes to moving through an unfamiliar, possibly dangerous area, you’re well skilled in shooting from a moving underground - for example you’d be in one of those trucks and shoot bandits, Infected or other possible dangers which are attacking the truck convoy. You’re well respected in Jackson because of the reasons I just told you and people will follow your orders without constantly questioning you.” “Oh, please, don’t make me blush - I’m not... that impressive...” 

Ellie, who started to feel embarrassed because of the praise Maria was giving her, defensively raised her hands. “Do you even have enough personnel for that kind of plan? You’re gonna need not only a lot of personnel that’s skilled in fighting, but engineers for those facilities, too not to mention the people who are willing to work that far outside of Jackson...” “A lot of new people joined us over the last few years, a few of them even came from Idaho and told us about the usable regions north of Idaho Falls. To be honest I personally had and I still have my doubts about doing such a major expansion - it’d be the biggest project we’d do since we moved here because of the nearby hydroelectric power plant. However not only the city council but Tommy, with whom I discussed that, too are right about the problems with producing enough food, especially for the long and usually hard winter. But if we’re starting to do agriculture on fields that are farther afield than the fields we’re using now, we’ve to think about the ideal way of transporting the goods - and you’d be surprised how heavy a large amount of wheat, potatoes or other agriculture products can get.”

Maria raised an eyebrow. “The transport with wagons, pulled by horses, is going to be slow, loud and very much more dangerous compared to using a heavily armored truck that’s driving as fast as possible. But trucks need fuel - large amounts of fuel - and for getting fuel we have to use those old facilities to the east of Jackson and carry the produced fuel with trucks to Jackson, too. There’s a reason why petroleum had been one of the most important resources before the Outbreak and unfortunately we don’t have any kind of vehicle here that’s propelled by an electric motor with rechargeable batteries for storing the required energy.” “Not to mention the problem that the batteries of those cars are long dead by now and it’s hard to make new ones these days. Eugene told me about it when I asked him why we aren’t using some kind of electric car because we have more than enough electricity. He then told me tricks of refreshing an old car battery and how to make a new one, but unfortunately I didn’t have the chance to use that knowledge, yet and most likely I forgot at least half of it by now.” 

Again Ellie sighed. “So you’re basically asking me to be on tour not only more often, but longer, too instead of spending more time with Dina and JJ and continue doing the shorter and medium-length patrols?” “Well, once the new facilities are established there’s a new position you’d possibly do - in fact I’m sure you’d ask me for that position as soon it’d become available.” Maria said smiling. “A couple of months ago we were joined by some engineers who came from a collapsed Military Quarantine Zone in Texas and used to work there on any sort of vehicles - not only cars and trucks, but helicopters and even small planes, too. It was actually Tommy who had the idea of visiting airports that aren’t too far away from Jackson and looking for aircraft that are reliable, easy to maintain and could be used for quickly transporting personnel to our outposts. We just have to establish some kind of airfield close to the then finished facilities for producing food, fuel and other resources and of course Jackson. In fact we’re already thinking of an area north of Jackson, one or two of the fields would be changed to an airstrip.”

Slowly Ellie raised her hand. “So you’re telling me that you’re gonna need pilots and I’d be one of those pilots?” “Yes, I mean you’re so interested in space and flying there with spaceships and even though I know that there’s quite a big difference between a spaceship and an aircraft, maybe you’d be still interested in flying an small aircraft, transporting personnel and maybe some goods between Jackson and the different outposts?” “Are you kidding me?” Ellie exclaimed, now smiling broadly. “That’d be awesome and I’d cause a stir if you wouldn’t let me fly one of those aircrafts, too!” “I knew that you’d say that, Ellie.” Maria said, showing a crooked smile for a moment before looking serious, again. “That’s just a general overview of the plans I and the city council are currently planning and we’d discuss the details with you if you actually want to be involved with the different projects.” “Yeah, I’ve to discuss that with Dina, too... I’m allowed to talk with her about the plans, am I not? You mentioned that the plans are still classified...” “Yes, but as long as she won’t share it with her coworkers it should be fine if you’re discussing that with her - it’s a big decision that’s going to affect your lifes heavily, after all.” 

Slowly Maria closed the file in front of her and after a moment of hesitation, now looking grim, she continued speaking. “But there’s another option, too.” “What do you mean?” “Either continuing with just doing patrols or being part of the plans I just told you about are only two options you can choose from - there’s actually a third one. It’s something completely different and Tommy and I took whole evenings discussing if we even should tell you about it. It’s in fact the main reason why Tommy and I started talking more again, recently...” “It’s something regarding my immunity, isn’t it?” Ellie said sighing and after another moment of hesitation Maria nodded, letting out a weary sigh, too. “Yes, as you know I have many contacts and combined with rumours I heard, I’m pretty sure that I drew the right conclusion from the various information I gathered over the last couple months.” 

After another moment of hesitation, now with a more neutral expression Maria continued speaking. “There has been some... development on the east coast of this country that used to be the United States of America before the Outbreak. At least three, maybe even more Military Quarantine Zones fell because of the usual reasons - food shortage, the Zones got compromised and eventually overrun by Infected and similar reasons why a large, heavily armed Military Quarantine Zone collapses. The remaining population of those collapsed Quarantine Zones gathered in a new settlement on Long Island that lies straight next to New York City. Other refugees joined that newly-established settlement, apparently a lot of former military personnel, too and Long Island became a heavily fortified area that no longer has its old name but is called ‘Polis’ now. As I said before, Polis is full of military personnel and I heard quite gruesome stories about how they’re enforcing law and order, there. But there are a lot of engineers, electricians and other technicians in Polis and of course lots of scientists - and not all of them are working voluntarily there. Apparently Polis soldiers raided nearby settlements and abducted variously trained qualified personnel - I even heard stories about an attack on the Military Quarantine Zone of Montreal, even though I can’t tell for sure if the Polis soldiers had been successful with their attack or failed - unfortunately the reports differ regarding that attack.” 

Maria raised her eyebrows. “A summary of the reports I heard is that the residents of Polis are trying to gather the remaining knowledge and equipment of humanity not only just for surviving, but for dealing with Cordyceps, too. For example I heard rumors that they’re doing various kinds of military strikes and bombing large areas of cities because they’re trying to reduce the number of Infected this way - apparently they even managed to reuse old rocket launchers of the US military. It’s a method the US military tried in the first years after the Outbreak and was considered as extremely ineffective eventually, but the soldiers of Polis are apparently doing it again, nonetheless. Obviously a cure would be way much more effective, so of course the scientists of Polis are doing that kind of research and from two traders I heard some gruesome stories regarding the scientific methods the Polis scientists are using on their test subjects. Various kinds of experiments with humans, but apparently with apes, too... apparently they have some actually really qualified personnel there which is quite creative with trying out basically everything. One of the traders told me that one of the Polis-doctors was qualified enough to successfully treat his cancer and that he heard of others getting similar successful treatment. Another trader heard that some scientists, who used to work in the big prestigious universities at the east coast before the Outbreak, are doing research in Polis so there are apparently qualified personnel working there, indeed. Still, both traders didn’t want to return there and actually warned me to be careful in case I’d consider economical and political relationships between Jackson and Polis. The trader described Polis as a grim place - apparently they’re living inside their city walls as close as humanity lived before the Outbreak, but the price of the civilized life is a totalitarian dictatorship that has no qualms of doing what’s considered necessary for their population.” 

Now Maria crossed her arms, her face looking more relaxed than before. “Even though Polis may be a crude place to live, it's still the biggest chance for you if you want to use your immunity for helping scientists with finding a cure against Cordyceps. Well - most likely you’re going to die there because Cordyceps affects the brain, the scientists are going to... extract your brain and we don’t have to discuss how... difficult surviving without a brain is.” “That’s what would’ve happened if Joel wouldn’t have... saved me...” Ellie mumbled and Maria nodded slowly. “Yes, I know because I actually made Joel ride back to Salt Lake City and gather the files the Fireflies made about you...” “What? When?” “Soon after you found out the secret - in fact I hadn’t been in the known before, too and wanted more information and probably threatened Joel to ban him from Jackson if he continued refusing my orders. The files are well hidden under a loose plank in my house and we can look at them later, if you’d like.” “Mhm...” “Unfortunately Polis is the only place I heard of that seems to have knowledge and resources to be potentially successful with the research for finding a cure against Cordyceps. Of course there are other large Military Quarantine Zones remaining and I know a handful of other settlements similar to ours, but most of them already have problems with finding enough medical trained personnel, not to mention scientists which are capable of doing the difficult and complicated research for finding a cure against Cordyceps.” 

Just when Ellie, who didn’t know what to think anymore and mostly felt numb now, was about to say something Maria quickly raised her hand. “Tommy and I discussed for quite some time if we’d tell you about what we heard of Polis - and eventually decided to do so because we both rather wanted you to hear those informations from us instead coincidentally in one of the taverns while having a conversation with one of the traders. Unfortunately it leads to the circumstance that you’ve to choose between three... well actually you’ve to choose between two choices regarding your future. Either you can stay here with Dina and JJ, help Jackson with your various skills and maybe even become a pilot at some point - basically continue living your life that has improved so greatly over the last couple of months. The other choice is leaving Jackson, again - and this time it would be for good. If you leave for Polis there won’t be a return - I’m completely sure that you’re going to die sooner or later while the scientists of Polis are doing... experiments with you.”

With a now solemn expression Maria leaned forward. “If you want to simplify the decision even more you’d say that you’ve to decide between a somewhat nice life, a personal future or a more or less painful death, even though you sacrificed yourself for the greater good - in case the reason why you’re immune helps with finding a cure against Cordyceps, in case it’s not your death would be in vain, of course. It’s a difficult decision and I’m not expecting you to immediately decide what you’re going to do - obviously you have to discuss that with your partner Dina and if you want it, you can talk with me and Tommy, too. Of course staying in Jackson would be the selfish decision, while leaving Jackson for Polis and eventually sacrificing your life would be the morally right decision. However you deserve to live a somewhat happy life, you’ve people in Jackson that not only care for you but love you and because of your various skills you’re an important member of Jackson and helping our settlement with surviving in this godforsaken world. On the other hand there’s not much more noble you can do than travelling to the Polis and giving your life for helping with finding a cure, even if it turns out to be in vain because the reason for your immunity isn’t usable for helping others with getting an immunity against Cordyceps, being cured from an infection or whatever solution a scientist would develop. Of course there’s the possibility that the government of Polis won’t share a possible cure against Cordyceps freely with the rest of humanity - and considering their behaviour I’m afraid that it’s actually to be expected. Many more terrible things are going to happen when the Polis government tries to rule the world with the cure in their hands and people are fighting for getting the cure to their own accords - but that’s another complicated situation we can discuss, of course, but we’d do it later after you heard more of my informations about the Polis - it would go beyond the scope of our current conversation.”

With a weary sigh Maria leaned back and even though she seemed tired now, her expression still was sharp, but with a hint of curiosity, too while she continued looking at Ellie. “So that’s what I wanted to talk about with you and even though you can discuss it with me, Tommy and Dina, in the end it’s you who has to make the final decision. How are you going to decide, Ellie?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Polis I took inspiration from the same-named collection of metro stations in the Metro book series of Dmitry Glukhovsky, in the video game adaptations you visit this unique ‘city-state’, too. Obviously the Polis on Long Beach is above ground and most likely a grimmer place than in the (literary) source, however I wanted to emphasise the difference between Jackson and Polis and that, in case Ellie makes the decision to travel to Polis, it wouldn’t mean that the scientists find something usable against Cordyceps and everyone live happily ever after, except for Ellie who gets a monument for being the saviour of humanity after sacrificing herself for the greater good. 
> 
> As you most likely guessed I called this story ‘Decisions’ because of the ending, but it turned out to be a pretty good (literary) leitmotif, too. While I’m pretty sure that Naughty Dog is going to surprise us with Last of Us Part III again (for better or for worse), I’ve a feeling that they won’t give us something like a happy, but more of a controversial ending.


End file.
